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Tag Archives: Self Worth

sometimes we hide ourselves from other people for so long that we end up forgetting parts of ourselves and start believing in the lie, but why are we hiding? why lose parts of ourselves to lies and games? for once i don’t wanna hide or play anymore, for once i am going to accept myself the way i am and stop lying to not only to myself but to others. i know growing up we are taught to accept people the way they are but judgment is often passed and sometimes without even realizing it and sometimes our own judgement to ourselves is much worse then those around us. its hard to accept yourself when others cant accept you and we start hiding and lying not only to ourselves but to those around us. others will always believe the lie if we don’t share the truth but eventually we too believe the lies and lose part of ourselves to it. when we can no longer hide or we finally accept ourselves then we can start living being ourselves without fear. we must remember other people’s opinion on us is not as important as our opinion of ourselves and how we feel about ourselves. we tend to change who we are to fit other’s ideas and we are often taught that not fitting in or not being socially acceptable is more important than accepting ourselves. acceptance starts with ourselves and when we do that we are able to accept others the way the are without judgement. i know for myself i have been in hiding my whole life because i am different and fear kept me from knowing myself and from other knowing me. people only know the person i showed and gave them and honestly most of the time that person was fake and she doesn’t exist. i realized today if i died no one in my life would really know who i am and the person i am would forever be a secret that died with me and i to think of people remembering me as someone i am not as the fake me just made me sad. i realized if i don’t change then i cant expect others to change either and hiding myself was me killing myself. i accept who i am but i have to try harder to show myself to others and to not fear because they don’t have to live in my head and with myself i do. their acceptance and approval used to be important to and i realized as i got older that my own approval was worth more than everyone else’s in the world. i have to remember that we are all different for a reason and we shouldn’t have to hide or change ourselves to fit others ever. remember you cant accept acceptance from others if you can’t accept yourself and you can’t accept others either until then the change has to start with you not other people.

we all have wants and needs in life and sometimes our wants is what we need. i know for myself the want for happiness is hard to accept or even to allow myself to have. i often feel like i don’t deserve things and i deny myself of those things because of that and i often deny myself of a need that i see as a want. Justin was someone i wanted and i see now that i need to have some happiness and to finally have someone in my life who i can open up to completely. in my short life i have managed to destroy anything and everything that i felt like i didn’t deserve and often times i hurt others in process. i sabotage myself even unknowingly and even though i tried my hardest not to with Justin i managed to still do that some how. i struggled to shared myself with him and even though i shared more of myself with him then anyone else i still pushed him away at times. even though i didn’t ruin it alone i can honestly say about 80% is my fault. i know its crazy that i can love someone so much that has not been the best influence or treated me the best i can say that i love him because he saw me for me and he didn’t leave and he is like me in ways that no one else could be. we helped each other and he didn’t judge me and he told me what i needed to hear and was honest about the important things. when my sister died i didn’t think i could find anyone who could help me or that i could connect with. i know that there are others like myself but finding them is hard and often times is a struggle to just try to find others. Justin was luck and in my eyes was a gift that i didn’t know how to accept. what i realize when we moved in together was he needed me just as much as i needed him. he is like me and the odds of having a second person in my life like this is a blessing and i only say that because the timing was actually perfect. i was mess when i meet Justin and without Racheal i didn’t want do anything and i was giving up on life when i found Justin. even though he got me hooked on drugs and he put his hands on me that one time i can honestly say that i would not be alive if i didn’t meet him. i am only here today because he helped me and he gave me a reason and a purpose to continue on. he makes me feel happy sometimes and the loneliness i often feel has disappeared since i meet him. when i realized he was like me it took a lot out of me to share certain things and the fights we had made us stronger and for once we both had someone to rely on and to finally have a friend that understood. Justin gets the isolation and had been in similar places like myself he also was able to see my wall and the destruction i cause to my life. he often tells me all i do is destroy and that even though i don’t intentionally hurt others i do. he right about that and that if i don’t stop i will eventually have nothing left and that i do deserve happiness and to have things. i know he doesn’t know that i have refused Jon my husband twice since i meet him to come back to Virginia and to work out my marriage. i choose to leave the feeling of content i had with Jon to be with Justin at a chance of having more and i still managed to screw it up. our last fight Justin said he didn’t want to speak to me again and avoided my calls the last few weeks. this has caused me more pain i have ever felt and because of that pain and anger i burn what was left to ashes and i know now i can’t fix it and that its my fault i destroyed any chance of him coming back and my last chance at any happiness in life. my reason and purpose is gone and my only friend and the one person who i need to continue to try and to help me is not coming back. i killed myself and i know that even if by some chance i fix any of this i am not sure it will be enough for him to take me back. i love him and i screwed up and i failed not only him but myself and mainly i wish i didn’t do those things. i hurt him because he hurt me and i honestly i wanted to make sure that he couldn’t hurt me again. old habits is hard to change and mine are killing me and i realize that now that there’s no one left and i should have known not to burn Justin like everyone else because he is not like everyone else. i honestly want him in my life but this want is a need and i didn’t see that. i was blind to the fact i thought of him as a want and in the last few weeks since he left me i have just let myself go. i mean i have not left my apartment and i avoid most calls including my family. in losing my sister was hard and that feeling of being alone is overwhelming but finding someone else saved me and losing him because i couldn’t change or see what i was doing has made me alone again. i blame myself for this mess i made of my life and honestly this is the biggest and most destruction i have ever done in a time period and i honestly don’t have anything worth saving left. i have manage to succeed in making sure i don’t have certain things and to make myself miserable and alone to have nothing so i can have reason to not try or fight. i finally did it and if i can’t fix this and Justin doesn’t come back in my life i wont forgive myself and i don’t want to live with this mess i made. i know it will be a matter of time before i give up completely because i screwed up more than ever this time and i literally dug my grave when i burnt the bridge with Justin. i have nothing left to destroy and i don’t even know if wanna try and fix any of it because i have no one left and loneliness is not worth living for and i am to tired and out of hope of finding someone new or even to do it alone. my family i have pushed away for so long that even trying to connect now is not in me not to mention no one else is like me even if my dad might be i don’t know if there’s time or if we can connect now i feel like to much time has passed and not enough healing on my part from his absence in my childhood for me to share or allow myself to accept his help or his love to the fullest i need to trust him. i trust Justin more than anyone and even though he hurt and left me i would still only trust him to help me and to lay my life in his hands only. i know that trust is key and i never have been able to trust anyone besides Racheal and Justin i don’t even trust my mom. to let someone in to know you completely is to know they will never leave and will accept you for you no matter who you are and to know that they will keep what you hide and you do the same for them without fear and the trust of knowing each other completely without hiding anything and loving each other the same and always no matter what that lets you know you are never alone and that they are a true as a person and a friend. not many people know that feeling of complete openness and freedom to show your self without fear and to know someone else the same and share that bond and connection with another person like yourself is rare. Justin and i shared something that you can’t explain and the feeling i get when i am near him is like nothing i ever experienced not even Racheal its not just unconditional love its like feeling time stops when he smiles at me or when we looked into each other’s eyes and saw each other’s souls and feeling safe when he holds me. i don’t know if that’s true love but i know that i never wanted to screw it up or lose him like this. happiness was given to me and i couldn’t accept it or even realize that this was different that it wasn’t going to fail or hurt me the way i feared most relationships had and could i was scared and i was unable to stop myself and i did what i feared i would do and without even knowing it fully until he left. i wish i could change and that i was not this way that i could allow myself to let in others and to accept that i do deserve more than content and loneliness. if Justin came back to me i would do whatever it took to keep him in my life and i would stop letting fear control my life and remind myself that i am worth something and that i should accept things i deserve instead of this misery i placed upon myself and put my life ruins. twenty five may sound young to give up but twenty five years of this is enough for me if something doesn’t change or happen soon i know that i will eat a bullet before i am 30 and this i am sure of. misery can only last for so long until you had enough and mine has been more than i can bare at this point.

self worth has everything to do with how you treat yourself and how you live your life. my self worth has always been low cause i never felt like i was good enough or that i really deserved to have anything. i constantly failed at so much and it seemed like no matter how hard i tried it never was enough. i always did what my mom asked and i tried so hard to make her happy that i never really did anything for myself. all the classes that i took and the jobs that i worked i never did for myself but for her. i never wanted to disappoint her and every suggestion she made i tried. she even got me to try and be in the medical field even though it wasnt nursing like she wanted i at least tried to go for Rad Tech. In all honesty i hate hospitals and i hate the idea of being responsible for another life besides my own. the time i wasted in trying to do what she wanted i manage to never find my self worth and i manage to fail that much more. i always felt like a failure cause i manage to never succeed at the things i went out for cause they were not important to me and in return i disappointed my mom and it made me feel that much worse about myself. i know in high school i wanted to take art class but my mom felt it would benifit me more if i took extra math classes cause i was really good at math. i know she hated that i took german as my forgien language but i at least i fought her on that. i never wanted to be a nurse or even work in the medical fleid. i just never expressed to her what i wanted and its cause of that i didnt make alot of my own choices. the only thing i did do for me was marry my husband but because i had no self worth i believed i didnt deserve him and cause i hated myself so much i managed to ruin my marriage and destroy everything i had and ever wanted in life. i lost him forever and i hate myself that much more. since i lost him i have at this point just continue to destroy what is left of myself. the person i was and wanted to be is gone and the only thing left of me is ever self hating thing i have about myself. i let myself bottle everything i didnt know how to deal with and ever bad feeling i had about myself to the point it finally came out in a self destructive manner i lost everything. i have always been self destrucitive and manage to keep everyone at a distance or completely cut them out to where now the only thing left is me. i wanted to open up to my husband so bad but i felt cause i hated this part of me i thought he would hate me too. so instead of just admitting i had a problem i let it get so bad it is now killing me. i destroyed everything i wanted and had and now all that is left is this person i never wanted to become. instead of getting help now i have just continue to destroy my body cause thats all i can do. i hate myself so much that everything i have done to myself i am ashamed and i refuse to let anyone see me now. for someone to see what i have become and what i have done to myself is to much for me to bear. i ve been hiding for awhile now and i have isolated myself from the only people left in my life which i my mom, step dad and the rest of my family. i know to cahnge i have to want it for myself and cause i could careless about me i refuse to ask. i have shared all of this with my husband even though we will soon be divorced i owed him the turth about me no matter how bad it is. i know i will never be the same and truthfully i am sure i will continue to go down hill. if things to change and at this point i am not sure if i will ever be able to care about myself enough to get better. i have been fighting myself for so long and i have never dealt with really anything in my life and its all now just coming to the surface and its just becoming to much for me to handle. i made the choice to fight this alone and its cause of that choice i am here and have let everything start to consume me. i dont blame anyone but myself and i take full responsiblity for all of my actions and choices. i have to live with this and the guilt of all of my mistakes and wrong doing. i know i cant change the past and i know nothing i do will ever make things right or better. i do know that because i have let things get to this point i will never be the same and the things i wanted in life are gone. i am alone cause i chose to push everyone away and i continue to hurt myself cause i feel like thats what i deserve. only letting people see me and facing the world and asking for help can save what little is left of me. i am consumed by guilt and hate to the point were i could careless what happens to me. i know this all sounds horrible but i also know that things are only going to get worse and not doing anything has my future uncertain. i have fail to learn the most important thing from my sister Racheal and that is to let people in and to ask for help. she cut herself off from everyone to the point when it got bad she only felt she had one way to stop it all and she did by comitting suicide. i know that my path is similar to hers and i know that my fate is slowly becoming the same as the days go by i can feel her more just waiting for me. i dont know what i will do but i know that if i dont do something soon its going to get to the no return point. i have to either keep fighting and get the feeling of being worth something or i will give up and end this war for gone by killing myself. the war in me will never end but i am on the losing end at this point and i am not sure if i have it in me to continue. i have destroyed so much that without having a reason and not feeling like i am worth saving its hard to just even see another day. suicide is never the answer but if all the good days are gone and i have lost everything including myself and the only thing i seem to do now is hurt everyone cause i cant stop hurting myself then the only way to put it all to a final stop is by killing myself. i know how much worse it can get and i know that by dragging my family along for the ride is not right. i ve made a choice to never get to were my sister was and that i would end it before it got that bad. i dont see me getting better at this point and if i cant come around soon then i will end it permantly its the only thing i can do to stop. if you never been at the bottom and have broken yourself to the point of no return then you wont understand but i know i have fought i good battle this long and i am tired of continuing to fight. i am broken to the point that fixing myself is not possible i think i just done way to much damage and waited to long to let anyone in. as uncartain as to what i will do at this point i have to say that if you have built a wall and kept people out and at a distance you have to change it you have to learn from mine and my sisters mistakes cause eventually it becomes to much and it becomes this. your path may be similar but dont have the same fate dont let things get this bad cause its hard and even though it seems hard to let people in and see you completely for everything you are its better than getting to the point were you hate your self and you destroy everything. i am realizing so much about what i should have done and all the things i wish i could do now but i dont have anything left now i let it consume me to where now i am just bitter and the hate i have for myself comes out and on other people. this is never what i wanted but i cant change it now i just waited to long. i will continue to let yall know what happens and if i my fate is the same or if  i find away to continue to fight. dont feel sorry for me i made my choices that have lead me here i just dont want anyone else to do the same.