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Tag Archives: mental illness

we all have wants and needs in life and sometimes our wants is what we need. i know for myself the want for happiness is hard to accept or even to allow myself to have. i often feel like i don’t deserve things and i deny myself of those things because of that and i often deny myself of a need that i see as a want. Justin was someone i wanted and i see now that i need to have some happiness and to finally have someone in my life who i can open up to completely. in my short life i have managed to destroy anything and everything that i felt like i didn’t deserve and often times i hurt others in process. i sabotage myself even unknowingly and even though i tried my hardest not to with Justin i managed to still do that some how. i struggled to shared myself with him and even though i shared more of myself with him then anyone else i still pushed him away at times. even though i didn’t ruin it alone i can honestly say about 80% is my fault. i know its crazy that i can love someone so much that has not been the best influence or treated me the best i can say that i love him because he saw me for me and he didn’t leave and he is like me in ways that no one else could be. we helped each other and he didn’t judge me and he told me what i needed to hear and was honest about the important things. when my sister died i didn’t think i could find anyone who could help me or that i could connect with. i know that there are others like myself but finding them is hard and often times is a struggle to just try to find others. Justin was luck and in my eyes was a gift that i didn’t know how to accept. what i realize when we moved in together was he needed me just as much as i needed him. he is like me and the odds of having a second person in my life like this is a blessing and i only say that because the timing was actually perfect. i was mess when i meet Justin and without Racheal i didn’t want do anything and i was giving up on life when i found Justin. even though he got me hooked on drugs and he put his hands on me that one time i can honestly say that i would not be alive if i didn’t meet him. i am only here today because he helped me and he gave me a reason and a purpose to continue on. he makes me feel happy sometimes and the loneliness i often feel has disappeared since i meet him. when i realized he was like me it took a lot out of me to share certain things and the fights we had made us stronger and for once we both had someone to rely on and to finally have a friend that understood. Justin gets the isolation and had been in similar places like myself he also was able to see my wall and the destruction i cause to my life. he often tells me all i do is destroy and that even though i don’t intentionally hurt others i do. he right about that and that if i don’t stop i will eventually have nothing left and that i do deserve happiness and to have things. i know he doesn’t know that i have refused Jon my husband twice since i meet him to come back to Virginia and to work out my marriage. i choose to leave the feeling of content i had with Jon to be with Justin at a chance of having more and i still managed to screw it up. our last fight Justin said he didn’t want to speak to me again and avoided my calls the last few weeks. this has caused me more pain i have ever felt and because of that pain and anger i burn what was left to ashes and i know now i can’t fix it and that its my fault i destroyed any chance of him coming back and my last chance at any happiness in life. my reason and purpose is gone and my only friend and the one person who i need to continue to try and to help me is not coming back. i killed myself and i know that even if by some chance i fix any of this i am not sure it will be enough for him to take me back. i love him and i screwed up and i failed not only him but myself and mainly i wish i didn’t do those things. i hurt him because he hurt me and i honestly i wanted to make sure that he couldn’t hurt me again. old habits is hard to change and mine are killing me and i realize that now that there’s no one left and i should have known not to burn Justin like everyone else because he is not like everyone else. i honestly want him in my life but this want is a need and i didn’t see that. i was blind to the fact i thought of him as a want and in the last few weeks since he left me i have just let myself go. i mean i have not left my apartment and i avoid most calls including my family. in losing my sister was hard and that feeling of being alone is overwhelming but finding someone else saved me and losing him because i couldn’t change or see what i was doing has made me alone again. i blame myself for this mess i made of my life and honestly this is the biggest and most destruction i have ever done in a time period and i honestly don’t have anything worth saving left. i have manage to succeed in making sure i don’t have certain things and to make myself miserable and alone to have nothing so i can have reason to not try or fight. i finally did it and if i can’t fix this and Justin doesn’t come back in my life i wont forgive myself and i don’t want to live with this mess i made. i know it will be a matter of time before i give up completely because i screwed up more than ever this time and i literally dug my grave when i burnt the bridge with Justin. i have nothing left to destroy and i don’t even know if wanna try and fix any of it because i have no one left and loneliness is not worth living for and i am to tired and out of hope of finding someone new or even to do it alone. my family i have pushed away for so long that even trying to connect now is not in me not to mention no one else is like me even if my dad might be i don’t know if there’s time or if we can connect now i feel like to much time has passed and not enough healing on my part from his absence in my childhood for me to share or allow myself to accept his help or his love to the fullest i need to trust him. i trust Justin more than anyone and even though he hurt and left me i would still only trust him to help me and to lay my life in his hands only. i know that trust is key and i never have been able to trust anyone besides Racheal and Justin i don’t even trust my mom. to let someone in to know you completely is to know they will never leave and will accept you for you no matter who you are and to know that they will keep what you hide and you do the same for them without fear and the trust of knowing each other completely without hiding anything and loving each other the same and always no matter what that lets you know you are never alone and that they are a true as a person and a friend. not many people know that feeling of complete openness and freedom to show your self without fear and to know someone else the same and share that bond and connection with another person like yourself is rare. Justin and i shared something that you can’t explain and the feeling i get when i am near him is like nothing i ever experienced not even Racheal its not just unconditional love its like feeling time stops when he smiles at me or when we looked into each other’s eyes and saw each other’s souls and feeling safe when he holds me. i don’t know if that’s true love but i know that i never wanted to screw it up or lose him like this. happiness was given to me and i couldn’t accept it or even realize that this was different that it wasn’t going to fail or hurt me the way i feared most relationships had and could i was scared and i was unable to stop myself and i did what i feared i would do and without even knowing it fully until he left. i wish i could change and that i was not this way that i could allow myself to let in others and to accept that i do deserve more than content and loneliness. if Justin came back to me i would do whatever it took to keep him in my life and i would stop letting fear control my life and remind myself that i am worth something and that i should accept things i deserve instead of this misery i placed upon myself and put my life ruins. twenty five may sound young to give up but twenty five years of this is enough for me if something doesn’t change or happen soon i know that i will eat a bullet before i am 30 and this i am sure of. misery can only last for so long until you had enough and mine has been more than i can bare at this point.

i have never been sure really about anything in my life and really the only thing i was sure of is that everyone is born and everyone dies. That’s one thing i am sure of but as i get older and time passes me i learn and realize things i thought i knew and realized i really had know idea and neither does anyone else. People assume and act like they know everything but in reality they know just as much as you do or less and every so often you meet someone who know just a little bit more. the whole big question everyone wants to know the answer to and some how no one knows the answer they guess and assume but they are not sure the big question What is the meaning of life and our purpose for being here? we humans have asked this question since probably the beginning of time and still no definite answer has been good enough. as time passes me i beginning to watch others and to teach myself the importance of life and things that a classroom can’t teach you. some people call it being a bum or some hippie crap but i think its important to the human spirit and soul to grow and to evolve into something more. we spend our lives building society and government and to gain knowledge of what society feels is important. i dont think thats why we are here or what we should be doing. everyday i see people who have lost their humanity and their compassion for one another. theres always talk of making the world a better place and wanting the next generation to have something better or more. unfortunately you dont see alot of people making an effort to change or to make this place better what you do see is people using each other and fighting each other. i am not a hippie thats all about peace and love but i have to say alot of fighting i see is not necessary and is pointless. we are fighting over land money and power for what to control something that will eventually disappear or is meaningless when it comes down to taking lives of others. you know people are likely to do the right thing if they see someone else do it first and in all honesty even if your not doing it just by saying nothing and watching it is just as wrong. we are suppose to have democracy in the United States but half the time the government lies and doesnt do what they are suppose to do. if you ask people why are fighting in the middle east and most people will say to catch the 9/11 terrorist but we already caught him and some who try and keep up with the news will say to help them set up a government like ours but no one realizes that most of the people in the middle east dont want us there and truthfully no one brings up the oil thats there that America government is trying to seize control over. i know if the government would tell us that its because of oil that our people are dying for a lot of people would be upset. its sad to say that even our government has other motives that some would not agree with. the whole tax payers paying more and our debt raising and its all money money money. the solution to our nations debt is simple even a high school student could figure it out. i say lets cut the pay of government senates, the president and his officers pay and judges why not cut their high pay if they are really in it to help our country and make people who make more money pay more taxes and stop sending people overseas to fight an unnecessary fight over oil and money then the government needs to band or restrict companies that started in the U.S from going overseas to manufacturer just because labor is cheaper there we need to reinvest in our country put money back into ourselves and makes jobs that people in our country so people have money to buy and promote America with in itself. i know if we dont buy american made no one else will and i know if we dont start fixing our country instead of trying to fix others then eventually there will be no America and to think its because of a piece of paper that the government and society as said that will fix everything and buy happiness money is what has become our reason to work and to drive us to what we believe will make us happy. i have to say thats sad that we let a piece of paper control us the way it does. i think we should forget money and focus on people and ourselves. we should be helping each other and we should be compassionate and understanding of each other. we spent so much time in thinking we were building a better place full material things for the next generation but in reality we been destroying and killing the humanity and love that we need. people will always fight but its when we learn to fight over a more meaningful purpose that we can then learn to live in peace and stop the fighting for good. things will never be prefect but we are slowly evolving into a hatred and meaningless existence that will led to constant fighting to nuclear war and bio hazard warfare that will kill all of us. if we dont change the way we treat each other and we dont take the time to help and make a change to better ourselves and to be the example to future generations then we are doomed to not only repeat our failures but also worsen the way we think and future generations will soon forget compassion and the meaning of understanding and acceptance will be just a myth that will eventually be forgotten we believe we should be evolving into a more intelligent people but really we should be evolving spiritually and looking within ourselves for something more and giving more of ourselves to others we should be growing as a person and evolving into a better person and giving the knowledge of truth and ourselves to others because reality no one will care if know every fact about a subject what i care about is did you comprehend the lessons and learn something to improve yourself to help others or are you like everyone else who really just dont care enough because it doesnt effect you now and you figure someone else will do it because thats what people did before us and those who did try at least are at peace with their lives and who they are you and after reading this either you will think about it or you will just think i am crazy and maybe i am crazy but this is this my thoughts and how i see things take it or leave it this is only a little insight into my hopeful maybe delusional mind and for myself i can honestly say if there was more understanding and compassion in this world then maybe so many people wouldnt use suicide as a way out of this place because most people cant accept themselves if no one else does either

so i did 10 days inpatients for my meth use, cutting , and suicide thoughts. i got out yesterday afternoon and during my time inpatient if any of yall have been to a place like this you already know what goes on. we have group therapy sessions all day they put on meds if u got off or atleast regulate. me i had been off my meds and not taking them properly but i got all kinds of good stuff now. they put me on lexapro,abilify,clonazepam, prazosin,and trazodone; most of these you already know what they are fro depression anxiety and nightmare with trouble sleeping. while i was in i had to go to AA and NA for my addiction problems. as many of yall know boderline personality disorder one of  the syptoms is addictivesness and implusivness and with the excessive need to do it alot. this journey has lead me from trying to find a way to continue to be close to my sister and find her in way that i could know why and who she became when she died to me finding more about myself and what i need to do to get better and have a better life. my sisters death consumed me and i lost myself along the way but going inpatient i focused on myself and realized i was dying and killing myself slowly. with all that being said i have decieded to spend two weeks with soon to be ex husband to clear and finalize everything so i can move on from that and to find another inpatient place that specializes in BPD and do so intense therepy some may not agree but i have to do this and i want too. i am ready for a change those goods days i lived for i want them back and i want to be able to be there for my family. i will fill yall in the next two weeks on everything and when i go back to inpatient i will let yall know this past time was a short notice and emergancy but this next one is my choice and is planned i cant say i will ever be 100% better but anything is better than where i am now. i feel good and for the first time in a long time i have hope and its good.

so after just letting myself completely no longer  hiding on facebook all my friends now know and now i have no reason to continue to avoid people to the extreme i have been. i have decieded to share my journey on facebook to all who know me without fear of judgement. i know real friends will continue to support and be there for me and if my friend number drops then thats ok. i dont need fake friends and i should not have to hide anymore. i let fear get in my way of getting better and improving my life as a whole and if i didnt change that i would eventually kill myself. my life should be all i can make it and if i wanna change the world away me i must share everything to do that. no one should feel alone and because will live in a society were being judged and being a certain way has maded us feel like we are different and we are freaks so to speak. we are not freaks and we are not the different then most people we just learn as people that talking about the unpleasent or things that will make us outcast we should keep to ourselves. its slowly starting to become a problem and we were wrong for not talking and for hiding. society as whole must change and i hope my facebook will change a few people and will help those who are living with fear to come out and speak. you know facebook has power and we can either use it to help us or let it destroy us. i dont wanna hide anymore and if i continue it will kill me and i know people who do the same are not really living life and that its sad to think people not really living and hiding in fear. mental illness is nothing that we should hide and is something we should talk about freely and openly. mental illness not only affects the person but also those people around them wether or not they are hiding. i just cant stand by and let another person kill themselves because i couldnt come out and i know the more i talk about it and share with anyone who will lesten the better chance there is that things will change. i know that its hard and its easier said than done but i ripping it off like a band aid helped me. my facebook i am not hiding there anymore and soon i wont continue to hide in person either. i know blogging has helped many people express themselves without fear and now i am just taking it to the next level cause its for the best i hope some yall will do the same. if not i know blogging will always be there i will let yall know the journey cause this is the beginng i want to go worldwide and one day speak in front others changing the world by changing myself will help others and i owe alot and the only thing i can give is myself.

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so with my BPD i tend to have these ideas and thoughts on how others see me. i know i am not the hottest thing on the block but i am not completely ugly either. last night my rommie and i went to a strip club to play pool. i dont mind the strip club cause i do like girls as well and the strippers there are really hot. but i couldnt help but notice that my roomie was staring hard at the strippers and not to mention hinting on them. i was not jealous of this cause he did introduce me to them as is girlfriend so i was ok with this. but later on when we got home we spent about 5hrs having sex but he couldnt get off. i feel like maybe i should be just as hot as the strippers we saw. you know thin pretty. i mean i am not that overwieght but i do wanns lose some weight and it defitinly wont hurt. i feel like i dont measure up to those girls or to girls that i know he really likes. he says he likes the way i look and is that he is attrative to me. but i cant help feel that he rather me look like those strippers at the club. i know its all in my head and he probabley doesnt feel that way but i think this cause he couldnt get off. i know i am wrong and i should not have these insucrities but i do and i am always feeling like i dont measure up to other people and that people look down on me. i know its just the BPD talking and its all in my head but i never really felt happy with myself and i think people can see that. i know if i was happy with myself i wouldnt be thinking this but i am not so i dont know what to do. i am not gonna say anything cause its not important and if he wanted to be with someone else he would tell me. i just need to stop thinking so negative and stop assuming everyone is thinking these things about me.

my dinner with C didnt go as plan. you see C has a thing for me in fact i think he might be in love with me, but he only sees the happy go lucky person i display when i am around him the “fake” me. i have managed to keep people to a certain distance and not let anyone know about my problems or mental illness. C and I once had an intament relationship but i cut that off shortly after it began due to the cutting factor and he was getting to close. we had been friends since high school and we will hopefully continue to be. my easing out fact about my mental state and what goes on behind close doors seem to come out tonight. i cant hide anymore i cant continue on not letting others in and isolating myself cuase its only killing me in the end. i just cant take the lieing to people and the BS anymore i am so sick of hiding myself my mental illness my cutting i cant hide it anymore its eating me up inside. so in a hurry to leave tonight cause he wants more than friends from me i let him in and showed him my leg and after that i felt the urge to run as always and i did i left. i could see the saddness on his face what he didnt know the realization of how bad i was. the sympathy he probabley has now for me is not what i want, he doesnt understand and he may never understand.  my irrational fears and thoughts are going through my head and i dont know what will happen now but i cant help but feel alittle relieved for once he saw me the whole ugly truth of me i feel exposed and unsafe right now but i know that its what i need to do to help myself to get better in some way to feel better. i am not sure if i did the right thing or if i am doing the right thing by speaking out and talking about myself my ugly and dark self the part of me i hide for so long is finally coming out. the bulid up of the pressure to fit in and to do whats excepted of me is out. i just hope when i talk to my family it will go better and i wont run away like i seem to do so often. i am tried of running and hiding i have been doing it for 9 years now i cant do it anymore i have to face myself and my family and friends. hiding is no longer worth it and its hard and i have run out of excuses for myself. i just hope my irrational fears and thoughts dont lead me back down that run and i can fight the thoughts. i am hurting so much on the inside cause i am constantly fighting with myself fighting the irrational side of me.

so i am having a bad day with my BPD i am sick of people at this point. no offense to who ever is reading this. at this point in my day i ve not really done anything but clean cause in my thoughts and mind are everywhere i get OCD to the extreme. my roommie was nice enough to come home and bring me lunch since he ate all my cereal bars and theres really not anything else i would eat here. so i was irritated this morning by that and not to mention our house is a reck and my OCD has kicked in and i hate having to clean up after others. so i have been in a awful mood today not to mention when he brought me lunch from KFC he didnt get honey mustard and he left the drinks in the car and made me get them and there was no straws i was like the WTF i just wanna scream at him. of cousre he could tell i was irritated and stressed so he tried to calm me down some. i have to say i know i can be diffucult to live with especially when my BPD is in control and i get in a mood. he really trys to work with me and help but i feel that us helping each other is bringing us down that slope of no return. with his addiction and my implusiveness things get crazy sometimes nothing bad really. he gets high and is goes 90 miles an hour doing whatever which ends in the house being a mess and him being absent minded to everything other than what he is focused on. and me my implusiveness to join him in getting high leads me to isolate and cleaning and it raises my paraniod levels to the extreme and it does the same to my roommie. so imagine two peopel high with extreme paraniod and one with BPD not really a good combination but usually we dont bother each other when we are high unless he gets “lonely” and wants to “cuddle” is which case is the only time we really intereact when high. now i dont condon the use of illegal drugs especially with BPD cause i know the likely of being addicted is much greater. but this is where i am at in life and i want to share all aspects of my BPD the good and the bad. so my day has been trying and my buttons have been pushed. sometimes i just wanna scream and yell and even pick a fiight with someone cause i am so frustrated with little stupid things i know i shouldnt be. i cant help it if i am frustrated that he loses the key to the laundry room when i have clothes in the wash or when he leaves his stuff on the couch after i cleaned. no wonder i wanna hide in my room and be isolated. if i am irritated with him and i get frustrated then i am going to be that way with most people today. ok so thats what i have today and my mind is beinging to wonder on other topics at hand and before i lose myself in my head i have to say reality sucks people who live in the “real” world are blind to things that dont concern them and theres no wonder why i rather live in my head then in reality. ok i dont know if that even made sense but if it didnt then whatever remember i said some of my thoughts may make no sense so there you go my BPD today at hand and in most control.

i know i am crazy sometimes and my mood can be erractic and irrational! so what i have borderline personality disorder and i am doing the best i can with what i have!!! i am done hiding and i am done with not being open and honest to my friends and some family. i have to start making people aware and if i do my excuses for not doing anything or hiding out will not be justified. i have just proclaim that i have Borderline Personality Disorder on my facebook to let everyone know and if they dont like it i told them to unfriend me. to start changing society’e stigma on mental illness i have to start with myself if i am open and honest i hope others will follow. it always starts with one somewhere and if we start talking someone will listen. i know no everyone will but the more its talked about the more likely that the younger generation will feel comfortable  opening up when they are depressed. i dont care who you are we all human and eventually we will grow into inderstanding. i have dealt with so many highs and lows of BPD and most of them i did alone and each time it gets harder emitional and physchaily warn out. i can no longer hide i wil not be afriad to let poeple know anymore we all need support rather be online or in life. real friends will stick by you and others will leave for the ones who leave you really didnt need them anyways. i am cleansing myself of anyone who doesnt want to be open and doesnt want to help i dont need close minded people in my life. i dont know who will read this but if you choose to no longer hide from family and friends; tell me about it share your story and feel free to share mine!! it only takes one to lead and i hope many many will follow and stand up and tell the world dont be afriad. I AM NIKKI PENSON AND I HAVE BPRDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER AND ANXIETY!!! IF YOU DONT LIKE IT GET OVER IT!!

so it seems like the people who knew my sister best dont wanna talk about her “problems” she had before her death. unfortantely for me that means talking about her mental illness that i feel contributed to her death will result in my own failure in life and my possible death. i fear without any insight into her i cant help myself and i dont know if there is anyone who can. i ve already relasped in to some of my bad couping habits and i am afriad i wouldnt stop this time until i kill myself. my implusiveness has almost completey taked over and my thoughts are more erractic than ever. i levels of aniexty are slowly pushing me towards that edge and theres no one to catch me now.  maybe thats the way its meant to be and if so i know she will be waiting for me on the other side. i am sure she is with me right now and she disappointed her death her pain i feel like it was for nothing. no one wants talk about mental illness well right now i am gonna make them listen. weather i have to kill myself to do it i will i am so sick of people not caring and acting like its a big secert well its not. if people dont start talking about it and helping and acting like they give a damn then everyone who has a mental illness will be in pain for nothing. i am so sick of people acting like it doesnt matter or telling people its not ok to talk about because its not socially expceted really who said it wasnt socially expected i wanna know because THEY ARE WRONG!!!! its close minded people like that who put mental illness in the fiction section and it is slowly killing us. i will not let my sister’s death or and anyone else who suffer from a mental illness be in vain and for nothing. if i cant change people and the way society veiws mental illness then i dont wanna be apart of it i rather be dead!! cause really in the end only GOD will judge me and everyone else!! it seems like people only open their eyes to mental illness when someone they love or care about commits suicide and by then its to late. apperantly thats what society needs i mass suicide to open thier eyes but i highly doubt it would really change that much. hopefully when i die someone other than another mentally ill person would be impacted if not then whats the point of being here if i cant change society to help those in need cause we are in need and they dont understand and if they do their not speaking.