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sometimes we hide ourselves from other people for so long that we end up forgetting parts of ourselves and start believing in the lie, but why are we hiding? why lose parts of ourselves to lies and games? for once i don’t wanna hide or play anymore, for once i am going to accept myself the way i am and stop lying to not only to myself but to others. i know growing up we are taught to accept people the way they are but judgment is often passed and sometimes without even realizing it and sometimes our own judgement to ourselves is much worse then those around us. its hard to accept yourself when others cant accept you and we start hiding and lying not only to ourselves but to those around us. others will always believe the lie if we don’t share the truth but eventually we too believe the lies and lose part of ourselves to it. when we can no longer hide or we finally accept ourselves then we can start living being ourselves without fear. we must remember other people’s opinion on us is not as important as our opinion of ourselves and how we feel about ourselves. we tend to change who we are to fit other’s ideas and we are often taught that not fitting in or not being socially acceptable is more important than accepting ourselves. acceptance starts with ourselves and when we do that we are able to accept others the way the are without judgement. i know for myself i have been in hiding my whole life because i am different and fear kept me from knowing myself and from other knowing me. people only know the person i showed and gave them and honestly most of the time that person was fake and she doesn’t exist. i realized today if i died no one in my life would really know who i am and the person i am would forever be a secret that died with me and i to think of people remembering me as someone i am not as the fake me just made me sad. i realized if i don’t change then i cant expect others to change either and hiding myself was me killing myself. i accept who i am but i have to try harder to show myself to others and to not fear because they don’t have to live in my head and with myself i do. their acceptance and approval used to be important to and i realized as i got older that my own approval was worth more than everyone else’s in the world. i have to remember that we are all different for a reason and we shouldn’t have to hide or change ourselves to fit others ever. remember you cant accept acceptance from others if you can’t accept yourself and you can’t accept others either until then the change has to start with you not other people.

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when i started this blog i was in a place in my life where i was lost and looking for something. i for the first time didn’t think about the opinion of anyone else about starting this blog and it has become to mean so much to me and has brought me a way to open myself up and share myself for the first time. i started this with the hope to finding a missing part of myself and it has turned into a journey thru my life and soul. being that this blog is anonymous, i felt i could share everything on here in away that i can’t in person with those who are closes to me. i am not prefect and my life is a mess that I’ve chosen to share moments and problems happening now. life is messy and often time we forget that people make mistakes and have daily problems. there are times where its good but sharing just the good is not real life i hope in sharing the bad it makes a difference to someone. i have to often remind myself that i am not the only person going through this and that i wont be the last. i have to be honest when i write and to show the world that i am not scared anymore of who i am and that its ok to be myself. i am currently not doing well as far as staying on medications and not using drugs. mentally some days are not so bad but i struggle deeply with my addiction right now more than anything. its hard to stay clean when i feel like my life is falling apart and i don’t know what to do. this blog has become more than i could have ever imagine and the possibilities for it are endless. i know when Racheal died i was on a one path to self destruction that would kill me. i felt lost without her and alone. i had no drive, goal, or reason to do anything and all honesty i felt like there was no longer a point to this. Racheal had shared and given me all she could and its because she was like me. i know whats like to feel alone in the world like no one understands and its a horrible feeling. in person i am nothing special and i have a hard time talking and being around other people. the fact that i meet Justin who is similar to myself is a miracle. this blog has provided away for me to connect with other people and to be heard i may not always be well and i will never be fixed but for once i can be me and let my fear go. my writings may not make sense or be right in your mind but for me this is the way it is right now and i am doing what i can to give back those who are like myself. some people may disagree on sharing certain personal things and that this is pointless but i don’t care about those people. i have stand by and said nothing when i wanted too and i have not spoken honesty when i should have. this blog is not about being right or wrong or socially ideal its about my struggles the way it is at that moment. i can honestly say that i am happy with my blog and that i am doing what feels right for me. this is my life the way it is right now.

we all have wants and needs in life and sometimes our wants is what we need. i know for myself the want for happiness is hard to accept or even to allow myself to have. i often feel like i don’t deserve things and i deny myself of those things because of that and i often deny myself of a need that i see as a want. Justin was someone i wanted and i see now that i need to have some happiness and to finally have someone in my life who i can open up to completely. in my short life i have managed to destroy anything and everything that i felt like i didn’t deserve and often times i hurt others in process. i sabotage myself even unknowingly and even though i tried my hardest not to with Justin i managed to still do that some how. i struggled to shared myself with him and even though i shared more of myself with him then anyone else i still pushed him away at times. even though i didn’t ruin it alone i can honestly say about 80% is my fault. i know its crazy that i can love someone so much that has not been the best influence or treated me the best i can say that i love him because he saw me for me and he didn’t leave and he is like me in ways that no one else could be. we helped each other and he didn’t judge me and he told me what i needed to hear and was honest about the important things. when my sister died i didn’t think i could find anyone who could help me or that i could connect with. i know that there are others like myself but finding them is hard and often times is a struggle to just try to find others. Justin was luck and in my eyes was a gift that i didn’t know how to accept. what i realize when we moved in together was he needed me just as much as i needed him. he is like me and the odds of having a second person in my life like this is a blessing and i only say that because the timing was actually perfect. i was mess when i meet Justin and without Racheal i didn’t want do anything and i was giving up on life when i found Justin. even though he got me hooked on drugs and he put his hands on me that one time i can honestly say that i would not be alive if i didn’t meet him. i am only here today because he helped me and he gave me a reason and a purpose to continue on. he makes me feel happy sometimes and the loneliness i often feel has disappeared since i meet him. when i realized he was like me it took a lot out of me to share certain things and the fights we had made us stronger and for once we both had someone to rely on and to finally have a friend that understood. Justin gets the isolation and had been in similar places like myself he also was able to see my wall and the destruction i cause to my life. he often tells me all i do is destroy and that even though i don’t intentionally hurt others i do. he right about that and that if i don’t stop i will eventually have nothing left and that i do deserve happiness and to have things. i know he doesn’t know that i have refused Jon my husband twice since i meet him to come back to Virginia and to work out my marriage. i choose to leave the feeling of content i had with Jon to be with Justin at a chance of having more and i still managed to screw it up. our last fight Justin said he didn’t want to speak to me again and avoided my calls the last few weeks. this has caused me more pain i have ever felt and because of that pain and anger i burn what was left to ashes and i know now i can’t fix it and that its my fault i destroyed any chance of him coming back and my last chance at any happiness in life. my reason and purpose is gone and my only friend and the one person who i need to continue to try and to help me is not coming back. i killed myself and i know that even if by some chance i fix any of this i am not sure it will be enough for him to take me back. i love him and i screwed up and i failed not only him but myself and mainly i wish i didn’t do those things. i hurt him because he hurt me and i honestly i wanted to make sure that he couldn’t hurt me again. old habits is hard to change and mine are killing me and i realize that now that there’s no one left and i should have known not to burn Justin like everyone else because he is not like everyone else. i honestly want him in my life but this want is a need and i didn’t see that. i was blind to the fact i thought of him as a want and in the last few weeks since he left me i have just let myself go. i mean i have not left my apartment and i avoid most calls including my family. in losing my sister was hard and that feeling of being alone is overwhelming but finding someone else saved me and losing him because i couldn’t change or see what i was doing has made me alone again. i blame myself for this mess i made of my life and honestly this is the biggest and most destruction i have ever done in a time period and i honestly don’t have anything worth saving left. i have manage to succeed in making sure i don’t have certain things and to make myself miserable and alone to have nothing so i can have reason to not try or fight. i finally did it and if i can’t fix this and Justin doesn’t come back in my life i wont forgive myself and i don’t want to live with this mess i made. i know it will be a matter of time before i give up completely because i screwed up more than ever this time and i literally dug my grave when i burnt the bridge with Justin. i have nothing left to destroy and i don’t even know if wanna try and fix any of it because i have no one left and loneliness is not worth living for and i am to tired and out of hope of finding someone new or even to do it alone. my family i have pushed away for so long that even trying to connect now is not in me not to mention no one else is like me even if my dad might be i don’t know if there’s time or if we can connect now i feel like to much time has passed and not enough healing on my part from his absence in my childhood for me to share or allow myself to accept his help or his love to the fullest i need to trust him. i trust Justin more than anyone and even though he hurt and left me i would still only trust him to help me and to lay my life in his hands only. i know that trust is key and i never have been able to trust anyone besides Racheal and Justin i don’t even trust my mom. to let someone in to know you completely is to know they will never leave and will accept you for you no matter who you are and to know that they will keep what you hide and you do the same for them without fear and the trust of knowing each other completely without hiding anything and loving each other the same and always no matter what that lets you know you are never alone and that they are a true as a person and a friend. not many people know that feeling of complete openness and freedom to show your self without fear and to know someone else the same and share that bond and connection with another person like yourself is rare. Justin and i shared something that you can’t explain and the feeling i get when i am near him is like nothing i ever experienced not even Racheal its not just unconditional love its like feeling time stops when he smiles at me or when we looked into each other’s eyes and saw each other’s souls and feeling safe when he holds me. i don’t know if that’s true love but i know that i never wanted to screw it up or lose him like this. happiness was given to me and i couldn’t accept it or even realize that this was different that it wasn’t going to fail or hurt me the way i feared most relationships had and could i was scared and i was unable to stop myself and i did what i feared i would do and without even knowing it fully until he left. i wish i could change and that i was not this way that i could allow myself to let in others and to accept that i do deserve more than content and loneliness. if Justin came back to me i would do whatever it took to keep him in my life and i would stop letting fear control my life and remind myself that i am worth something and that i should accept things i deserve instead of this misery i placed upon myself and put my life ruins. twenty five may sound young to give up but twenty five years of this is enough for me if something doesn’t change or happen soon i know that i will eat a bullet before i am 30 and this i am sure of. misery can only last for so long until you had enough and mine has been more than i can bare at this point.

we all need closer to be able to really move on or to let go of certain things. i know for myself it took what seemed like forever to get some closer from my sister’s death and even now its still hard to let go fully. i fell in love with Justin and even though we are not talking and i cant move on yet because we didnt say goodbye and i dont have closer i need to let it go to give up the hope i have that he will come back to me when i dont think he will ever talk to me again. i screwed up like i always do and i pushed away someone i ended up realizing i was in love with.i know i do this to myself and i dont blame anyone but myself. i loved him and i did things i always do to everyone else to not let anyone get close to me but i let him get closer to me than anyone in my life. i was myself to i shared things with him that others even my family dont know and i tried harder than any other time in my life because he was different i trust only him and no one else to share my soul with him and i srcewed up like always. old habits are hard to break and i let my old habits i couldnt and should have changed destroy what little happiness i did have and what could have been my ever after. i lost the love of my life and i feel like crap. i dont have closer with him because he wont talk to me and i cant let go because i dont know where i stand anymore. i need to hear him say that this cant be fixed i need him to tell me there will never be an us again and that i can let go but he hasnt and i dont wanna let go but i know if i dont i will hang on until it kills me or the pain of waiting destroys what i little i have left in life. it took me a long time to move foward from Racheal or at least try and without Justin i now feel lost and confused again like i did when Racheal died. i am not sure what to do now and to be honest the 2 weeks i left the house once and i pretty much have laid in bed and watched netflix and slept i havent been to class or seen anyone other than J who lives with me. i feel lost and just depressed overall i miss him and he was my best friend and everything i needed to change and the only person i been able to let in. its killing me and i need closer to move on i need that goodbye i didnt get with Racheal even though he is not dead our relationship is and i its my fault and i hate i screwed up the best thing in my life and the one thing i needed most. i need him and i know i cant fix things and theres nothing i can do to save it and it sucks. i never felt this way about anyone and i dont think i can ever find anyone who can make me feel complete like he did. when my sister was i alive i didnt feel alone and when she died i felt utterly alone and justin made me feel not alone he helped me in ways no one has and he understood things that most people cant and he didnt think i was crazy or stupid. he made me feel like i could be happy and i could change so i wouldnt end up killing myself and now i feel alone again and i my reason for being here was him and now i am not sure if i can find or even have another reason to continue on to fight myself to be happy. i lost him because i couldnt change enough and i ruined probably my only chance at happiness or at least not being alone. J the guy who lives with me i cant shared myself like i did with Justin because he see the world different and has never been close to where i have or felt what i have. i needed someone to understand me and to accept and help me and justin was it and i didnt see that until now. i love him and always will and i am tried of fighting alone and without him i will be alone and i will never be strong enough to do it alone for long. helped me but not enough to save me from myself and i see that because i pushed him away and in a way that the guilt will probably eat me up and i finally did it i finally destroyed my last chance the last person that i really had and to wait or try to find someone else like us is like a needle in haystack and i was fortunate in my life to have 2 people like myself in my life and i messed up and lost the one i should not have. i should have changed more and we were meant to be there for each other he needed me as much as i needed him but he is stronger than me he is a fighter and will fight to the end even alone and as for me i am not strong and i am not a fighter and being alone and having a wall up for so long is tiring and unbearable. justin can do it alone until he finds someone else but for me i dont have it in me and part of me is just ready to let it go and to just stop fighting to change the isolation to stop trying to let others in and let my wall stay and be alone until it kills me. justin was my one true love and my chance at ever after and i will live with the guilt of knowing i destroyed it and the pain of knowing i did this to myself and that i will never closer to let go or at least try to move on. i need closer to at least try to move foward and without something its going eat at me and i will hold on to it until i just cant take it anymore. i regret this i regret my choices and actions in this relationship with justin and honestly this is the first regret i ever had and i will do what it takes to be the only one because its painful to know i should have know differently and what i should have done is something i never wanted in my life and it sucks to have that feeling. i used to regret something but i came to be at peace with those things and find closer to do that but this i feel may never have closer and never heal the broken heart i have now. i am sorry its a sad writing but this is where i am now and i honestly hate it and i honestly dont want anyone to lose the love of thier life just because old habits and of a wall that you built to protect yourself because its not worth the pain or the regret and that finding that one true love only comes once and you only get one and that is true happiness to be with the one who completes you and you should never let it go no matter what and i did and i let myself destroy things my entire life because of that wall i built and i let that wall kill me and i am didnt even realize it until now i realize now i never let myself be happy when i should have and i never gave anything or anyone the chance to try and make me happy i deined myself of this by destroying everything that was in front of me for whatever reason and i just been doing it for so long that when i finally got what i truelly needed and wanted i didnt see that i was destroying it so badly until now i ran it in the ground and i set it on fire and threw away the ashes i literally have just made it to be unfixable and ididnt realize i was doing that and when i did i just kept on and i hate myself for so long i deprieved myself for what i am not even sure why anymore. i thought i was protecting myself from other people hurting me and then i realized i hated myself for such a long time because i blamed myself for failures of others and myself and i thought i was saving others from my pain from me hurting them in the end to protect myself from disappointment of others and to puinsh myself for not being good enough i never felt good enough for anyone not even myself and i guess part of me never fixed or even tried to change that i am afraid of failure so i didnt try to change certain things so i didnt have to risk failing the fear of failing kept me from doing certain things and the wall i built was out of fear and have no self worth i always felt i hated myself for things that i know now were not my fault but those feeling have there so long i finally hated myself and figure if i hated myself so should others and in a way it reinforced my wall i built and it fuel the fire i needed to destroy everything i have ever gotten and literally do it in a way that others would hate for life too i did things that most people would guilt over but not me the guilt i felt was turned to hate i hated everyone and myself and i never felt hate for racheal or justin and the hate i thought i had for my dad and my mom and my family i realized was just anger and i didnt realize that until after Racheal died. i only saw my dad when i realized i didnt hate him and i guess i never let go of the hate i have for myself and maybe its not hate its anger its fear i pushed away everyone and their love i felt the love from Racheal and from Justin their love i felt fully and it was alot and maybe i felt like i didnt deserve it or that if i tried and failed was not something i wanted to risk i always felt like a disappointment and i hated the feeling of failure especailly when others would be disappointed in me for failing so i just didnt try alot time i just built a wall to avoid ever feeling those feeling and to not let people know i blamed myself for not being good enough for my mom or my dad not being around because there was something wrong with me i felt like i was never good enough for anyone to love me and i loved everyone but i never showed and i never said it meaningful always sarcastically and then i just stopped saying except to Racheal i always said it meaningful to her and Justin was the first i said it to that i truely meant and would do anything for but the fear and the wall i couldnt do enough or try hard enough to just not destroy it to let go of the fear i failed myself and him and i disappointed him and myself and that guilt i wont forgive myself ever and it sucks that closer may help but i dont think i can let go fully of my guilt or my anger for myself i am sorry for to him and to myself and i dont want anyone to have to feel what i am feeling now or go through this pain all because of this wall of isolation this wall is kill me i know that now and i cant do anything else and i am out time and out of help i am just quite at this point and let it sufficate me and take me like it did my sister thats all i can do now i was like to have 2 people most dont even get that and i dont except 3rd person to come into my life soon enough to have me from destroying whats left and its not much and i truefully i probably dont even have do anything but let the wall crumble and fall on me now i realized i signed my death warrent i literally sign my life away to death is all thats left now i know that its morbid but its where i am now at the road my sister was at when she killed herself and as of now theres only one road i see now and only one ending thats now my option and time to choose to die now and get it over with and not drag it out or wait for death from poor health and never leaving my apt again and dying of interal pain which could take a while and cause not only myself pain but my family from dragging out the inevitable of my death i know you think i am being dramatic or over reacting but i cant change and i wont get better i will just get worse and not having closer is going to cause me nothing but pain and i cant even try to do this anymore i been like this for my whole life and i in pain for most of it and the truth is justin was my last hope and chance and i burned it i guess maybe i really wanted death more than i thought or maybe its what i need for peace inside myself i never wanted to hurt those i did but i thought i was saving them from me and my pain i did try with justin but i guess it was to much for me and i would have probably caused more pain in the end then what i did so far but i should have saw that when he hadnt left me after everything we been through i should have known then that i needed to change to be happy with him and i should have tried to change the big problems i had or at least tried to instead of avoiding my deep issues that were my ultimate down fall of myself and my failure at happiness and an ever after i wanted in life i only blame myself for that and that alone is enough to to end it all and enough for me to realize i am losing this battle and i am never going win now i will lose in the end but i can at least spare the pain of dragging it out for my family its the only reason i was able to find closer with Racheal i understood she killed herself for peace not just for herself but for us because her pain would have gotten worse and would have finally spread to us and her pain we would see and feel and no one should experience that is they have not had it themselves before its a despair kind of pain that would have damaged the family and thats why we do isolate to keep that to ourselves to hide what may hurt those we love most and to in some way our death brings them peace of the our pain and even though it hurts them at first after time passes they see that we are not hurting and our pain is not causing them pain anymore we are not depending on them and we are not hurting them by having meltdowns and not knowing reality v.s. our own world inside our heads and that we are not dragging them through tests and medications and doing things that we are not aware of doing and they dont suffer from feeling helpless to help us and scared of us hurting ourselves or others in some cases. i know one day my mind will go into a place thats not reality and will cause pain and heartbreak to those i love and i dont want that my sister knew that and she did what she felt was right and its how i feel i feel its right to spare them of losing myself so to speak because thats what happens i will eventually lose myself and Racheal was already on her way to losing herself and reality and i am already starting to lose reality and my mind is sometimes not here and i cant stop that and medication cant fix it and my deep issues are probably the root but those roots are to deep now and frankly my world in my mind is not always great sometimes its scares the crap out of me and i can only tell myself its not real for so long and honestly justin would have saved me from going so fast and would have been able to help me stay in reality longer gave me a reason to anyways and now i dont have a reason to fight the delusions and sometimes those hallucinations are comforting to me the ones that dont scare me but i dont think those last forever and i scared that the ones that do scare me will eventually take over and thats not something i can do alone and its not something i could ask anyone to help me with who doesnt know me like they should and know when to do something i am crazy in some sense but i am not stupid and i dont trust easily and the only persons i do trust one is dead and the other i lost and i dont even trust my mother witch is sad and its because she lied to me and doesnt know to be supportive in a way that is good for me without being judgmental and pushy into doing things her way because trust me she still trying to push me in a career i dont want and to stay in a marriage i am not happy in so yeah i dont trust her judgement to do whats best for me and everyone else couldnt even tell you i am left handed witch is sad to say in my mind so closer we need in life and in some cases more than ever and sometimes people like me are meant to die by suicide in some cases where theres no one left to give us a reason or a purpose to fight and that even though suicide is said to be wrong is it really wrong if the alternative is worse than death its self and to want peace for our family and those you love and for yourself because i dont think its wrong in my eyes if theres nothing left but pain and you know that suffering is all that is left why drag it out i am sure everyone has a different case but my sister and myself know where this leads and i ve seen those who lived until old age but their life after losing complete touch with reality and being on medication to keep them from hallucinating dont leave full lives and often are a burned to family and sometimes dont remember themselves or anyone and live life to only be breathing to a certain extent they my be alive but their not living not thats not where i want to be ever i never want experience a moment where i dont know myself or anyone i love and i dont want to be a burned on my family and depend on them to make sure my medication is working or be in put in hospital because i am a handful i want to remember and i want to die knowing who i am and knowing that my family was spared of seeing me in pain and not seeing me lose my mind because that i cant live with my sister knew she was hurting us by not being able to keep plans because her mind was lost so to speak or canceling because she couldnt separate reality from non-reality she didnt let anyone see her when she knew she was losing herself and her mind to a mental illness and thats hard and its hard to hide yourself from those you love and isolation is our way of doing that even though in reality its what is killing us i know that now but i guess its little late for me too and i wish i knew what i know i now or at least not avoid as long as i did and deinal what i knew because i knew but i didnt want admitte it i just avoided it but that made it worse as you see and now i am left with this mess that is my life and my despair i caused myself to have and i only want to make it stop now and gi only need to deciede how and when and if i am going to finally do what i want more now than ever and its a hard thing to do and a hard choice to make but i put myself here and i have to make a choice and i will let you know i guess and sorry its long but i have to get it out and share with someone other than myself and hopefully prevent someone else and make them realize what they know and stop avoiding it and help them not end up where i am now because its hard and its painful

Ok so I posted 2 times earlier both real short and honestly cause I am high but there are things that need to get out. I mean since my sister died I ve had ectopic prego and lost my right tube, my husband left me, I got hooked on meth, I meet my dad for the first time and now I am trying to go back to school and get my life back. Its hard and I am struggling to make it through each day. To be honest I am still as lost as I was 2 yrs ago and I feel more alone since justin is no longer in my life. He may have got me on drugs and our relationship was crazy but he saw me for me and stayed. I may never find anyone else who will want me this way I am damaged goods. You know I dont know anymore than anyone else and what I thought I knew it wasnt what it seemed to be. I miss my sister greatly I wish she was still here but I cant change it and not having justin now I am alone. I dont think I can let anyone see me the way they did and it may hurt me in some way but I just cant do it anymore. I dont wanna hide but I feel like I dont have a choice anymore. I know if I cant get my life together myself then I am screwed. At this point my walls are up for the long haul now and I rather be alone then do this again. I love justin and my sister understood and my odds of finding someone else who gets it is slim to none. I am not sure if I will ever heal or be able to get this right but as long as I am kinda sane and alive then I have to try. I am sure my sanity will run out before I die and well when that happens there is not much I will be able to do. Reality is already a blur for me and focusing on what is real has not mattered to much to me lately. I gotta try harder I know to keep from getting lost in my head. I am not sure if the drugs have affect on that but hopefully once I can stay clean then maybe things will be more clear. Its a never ending war here and I def feel like I am losing most of the time. I am jacked up I know it but I only have myself to blame and well only I can try and fix it. I will never be cured I will always have work at it and its sad to say I get tried of fighting it. My mind is exhausted and emitionally draining. My disorder will get worse as I get older and I am doing it alone right now. I dont want this to kill me but I know the odds of suicide are much higher now and I also know that I rather die before I let it take over me to the point I dont know who or where I am. I am already bordering schizo and that scares me more than death. All I can do is try to have a better life and to live one day at a time cause I dont know what the future holds for me. I just want a normal life but I know thats not going to happen for me. Time will tell soon and all I can do is hold on to what I do have and hope for the best cause I am just along for the ride now.

so after just letting myself completely no longer  hiding on facebook all my friends now know and now i have no reason to continue to avoid people to the extreme i have been. i have decieded to share my journey on facebook to all who know me without fear of judgement. i know real friends will continue to support and be there for me and if my friend number drops then thats ok. i dont need fake friends and i should not have to hide anymore. i let fear get in my way of getting better and improving my life as a whole and if i didnt change that i would eventually kill myself. my life should be all i can make it and if i wanna change the world away me i must share everything to do that. no one should feel alone and because will live in a society were being judged and being a certain way has maded us feel like we are different and we are freaks so to speak. we are not freaks and we are not the different then most people we just learn as people that talking about the unpleasent or things that will make us outcast we should keep to ourselves. its slowly starting to become a problem and we were wrong for not talking and for hiding. society as whole must change and i hope my facebook will change a few people and will help those who are living with fear to come out and speak. you know facebook has power and we can either use it to help us or let it destroy us. i dont wanna hide anymore and if i continue it will kill me and i know people who do the same are not really living life and that its sad to think people not really living and hiding in fear. mental illness is nothing that we should hide and is something we should talk about freely and openly. mental illness not only affects the person but also those people around them wether or not they are hiding. i just cant stand by and let another person kill themselves because i couldnt come out and i know the more i talk about it and share with anyone who will lesten the better chance there is that things will change. i know that its hard and its easier said than done but i ripping it off like a band aid helped me. my facebook i am not hiding there anymore and soon i wont continue to hide in person either. i know blogging has helped many people express themselves without fear and now i am just taking it to the next level cause its for the best i hope some yall will do the same. if not i know blogging will always be there i will let yall know the journey cause this is the beginng i want to go worldwide and one day speak in front others changing the world by changing myself will help others and i owe alot and the only thing i can give is myself.

i have been opening myself more here and my roomie is really starting to get to know me the whole crazy mess of me. when talking to him about Racheal i got feed back and i realized so many things i wont have if i didnt talk about it. i always feel the guilt of not attending her funeral and wasting the time i had with her and not making a bigger effort. in some ways i have let this consume me but i know everything happens for a reason and what played out was right. she made me a better person and she helped me find my path; in huge way her death brought my dad and us together and the need to be close is there now.i will always feel her here with me and i will learn to listen more closely.to the signs. i have realized today that even though her life was short she made a huge impact on many differnent people her purpose here was completed when she died. without her death i would still not be talking to my dad but once in a couple of months and our plan to meet would still be on hold. even though i miss her greatly i am in a way thankful for her. my dream last night is one i have had before but it will always be my favorite. i am walking in the beach and Racheal is waiting there for me and she huges me she never says anything but the message is clear that she loves me and she is still here just in a different way and that she is watching.i am still learning from her and learning more about who she was and each time i find a new thing about her its made me realize we are almost one in the same. the dream of us on the beach is one i have had since i was 7 it was mine and hers way of spending time together without actually being together. when we talked on the phone we would always agree to meet on the beach same time same place in our dreams. as i get older i am realizing that i am unknowingly am following in her foot steps. at age of 15 i tried to commit suicide at the time i didnt know she had attempted it as well at age of 15.  when i found this out i have started comparing our lives we both were blonde when we were little then dirty blonde in our teenage years and i just recently found out she was a red head for a while and i have had red hair for about 2 years now but she went back blonde and i will pobabley not go back that way. we both have relationship and trust issues especially with men. we are both artistic in our own ways but both are left handed and suffer from a mental illness. we are our own sperate person but we share so much and our bond is strangely intertwined for only seeing each other a handful of times and countless phone calls. i am not afriad to say everything happens for a reason wether or not we realize it at the time and that she was meant to be my sister and meant to be in my life. i am learning to listen more and stop and look around to enjoy the time i have with my family and friends i know it will take time but i am heading in the right dircetion and she is there with me every step of the way.

so for a while now i  have been humming a tune and i didnt know the lyrics to it. i do know its a little song my sister sang to me over the phone to help me sleep at night cause i was scared of the dark. i used to sing it when i was little to help sleep and as i got older i just hummed it. so i am going to post what i remembered so far and i am not sure if its a nursery rhyme or not i just know my dad sang it to her and she song it to me.

the song:

When you see the monsters in the dark, just turn on the lights and they will disappear and you’ll be able to sleep tight in the light, will save you from all of the bumps in the night and if you get scared just hum the tune to turn on the lights to scare away all the monsters in the dark

 

Thats all i have right now i think there is more but i am not sure right now and i might have mixed up the lyrics alittle but i think thats how it goes i could never remember the lyrics all the time so i just hummed it for the most part but i will update this post when i find out i just wanted to go ahead and put what i could remember. And if anyone knows this rhyme please feel free to help me out  thanks.

as the new year comes on i seem to be filling up with more questions and no one seems to have the answers i need. my sister i know was one of a kind and no one will ever replace her. i feel like the only person how has ever understood me and has helped me i know she is gone but i still feel her with me everyday. sometimes i am still afriad to sleep and others times i look foward hoping and praying she will answer my questions. i know i got short changed time with her and my other siblings due to my parents not getting along. because of this i my memeroies of her in person are very few but special and the phones calls and letters become that more special to me than anything. i am holding on to what i know of her and still finding more of what i didnt know. she always seemed to know when i had a bad day cause she always called or i got a letter with pictures. she knew more about me than anyone could ever know but i yet to know her. i hoping soon all the answers will reveal themselves and everything will make sense. i loved her very much and i miss her greatly. there is so many things i wanted to tell her so many questions i wanted to ask her and so many things i wanted to do with her. i wanted so much to spend time with her more than just a day here or there that i got growing up but time seemed to pass so quickly and then she waas gone, when i first meet our dad for thanksgiving i wished so bad Racheal was here but beacuse she wasnt i almost decieded not to go i was so scared. she was the one who changed my mind about meeting him we had talked about it so many times the four of us kids and our Dad for the first time. that was my dream our plan i needed her there i still need her. because of when she died i choose not to attend the funeral i was to emtionally unstable to deal with her death and meeting our dad for the first time in one day and alone. my dad understood i had talked to him serval times before she died and more now after. she brought us all together and even though i have the dad i always wanted growing up i really wish we didnt wait so long and maybe she could have been there as planned. even though she is gone i will always need, miss and love her no matter what. she could never disappoint me or make me angery at her our bond will forever still be there even though she is gone. she is always with me in my heart and next to me in spirit. i will always be searching for her this i know as i find myself i will eventually find her.

my sister at age 5 holding me when i was a baby

 

so with my BPD i tend to have these ideas and thoughts on how others see me. i know i am not the hottest thing on the block but i am not completely ugly either. last night my rommie and i went to a strip club to play pool. i dont mind the strip club cause i do like girls as well and the strippers there are really hot. but i couldnt help but notice that my roomie was staring hard at the strippers and not to mention hinting on them. i was not jealous of this cause he did introduce me to them as is girlfriend so i was ok with this. but later on when we got home we spent about 5hrs having sex but he couldnt get off. i feel like maybe i should be just as hot as the strippers we saw. you know thin pretty. i mean i am not that overwieght but i do wanns lose some weight and it defitinly wont hurt. i feel like i dont measure up to those girls or to girls that i know he really likes. he says he likes the way i look and is that he is attrative to me. but i cant help feel that he rather me look like those strippers at the club. i know its all in my head and he probabley doesnt feel that way but i think this cause he couldnt get off. i know i am wrong and i should not have these insucrities but i do and i am always feeling like i dont measure up to other people and that people look down on me. i know its just the BPD talking and its all in my head but i never really felt happy with myself and i think people can see that. i know if i was happy with myself i wouldnt be thinking this but i am not so i dont know what to do. i am not gonna say anything cause its not important and if he wanted to be with someone else he would tell me. i just need to stop thinking so negative and stop assuming everyone is thinking these things about me.