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when i started this blog i was in a place in my life where i was lost and looking for something. i for the first time didn’t think about the opinion of anyone else about starting this blog and it has become to mean so much to me and has brought me a way to open myself up and share myself for the first time. i started this with the hope to finding a missing part of myself and it has turned into a journey thru my life and soul. being that this blog is anonymous, i felt i could share everything on here in away that i can’t in person with those who are closes to me. i am not prefect and my life is a mess that I’ve chosen to share moments and problems happening now. life is messy and often time we forget that people make mistakes and have daily problems. there are times where its good but sharing just the good is not real life i hope in sharing the bad it makes a difference to someone. i have to often remind myself that i am not the only person going through this and that i wont be the last. i have to be honest when i write and to show the world that i am not scared anymore of who i am and that its ok to be myself. i am currently not doing well as far as staying on medications and not using drugs. mentally some days are not so bad but i struggle deeply with my addiction right now more than anything. its hard to stay clean when i feel like my life is falling apart and i don’t know what to do. this blog has become more than i could have ever imagine and the possibilities for it are endless. i know when Racheal died i was on a one path to self destruction that would kill me. i felt lost without her and alone. i had no drive, goal, or reason to do anything and all honesty i felt like there was no longer a point to this. Racheal had shared and given me all she could and its because she was like me. i know whats like to feel alone in the world like no one understands and its a horrible feeling. in person i am nothing special and i have a hard time talking and being around other people. the fact that i meet Justin who is similar to myself is a miracle. this blog has provided away for me to connect with other people and to be heard i may not always be well and i will never be fixed but for once i can be me and let my fear go. my writings may not make sense or be right in your mind but for me this is the way it is right now and i am doing what i can to give back those who are like myself. some people may disagree on sharing certain personal things and that this is pointless but i don’t care about those people. i have stand by and said nothing when i wanted too and i have not spoken honesty when i should have. this blog is not about being right or wrong or socially ideal its about my struggles the way it is at that moment. i can honestly say that i am happy with my blog and that i am doing what feels right for me. this is my life the way it is right now.


Looking back into my childhood and honestly see just how i got here is amazing to me that i did’t become like everyone else. At a young age i was able to take the things my mother said about being socially accepted and fully comprehend and understand what is acceptable by society’s standards was wrong. My mother and so many other people in my life had not realized what i had at age 5, that being socially accepted even at the cost of losing who you really are was more important than anything else. In understanding this at a young age and no one telling me that being myself was good enough that i was able to alter myself in away that i knew was wrong but would make my mother happy. My mother unknowingly reinforced that being socially acceptable and material things could make you happy. So i started to pretend to be what everyone thought i should be and that was acceptable. I quickly realize what most people realize when they are adults that not being yourself and being happy with who you are is more important than being someone your not. My mother I believe only tried to make me into this person to prevent me from experiencing pain from being picked on or being an outcast because i was different. what she didn’t realize was that not only would society reject me for who i was but that she would also reject me if i fail to be acceptable. My mother over the years always reinforced that looks and who your friends were would make me happy but i knew better than to buy into the opinions of society and their ideas on being normal. i never said anything about what i knew and even though my mother was happy i slowly became unhappy as i got older. i became tired and bitter about how i believed the world was. At 14 i stopped caring so much i still did what i needed to do to keep my mother happy and to not show that i was having problems. honestly any problem i ever had and tried to talk about was not important enough for my mother and i learned at an early age how to suppress things. At age of 15 i was the ideal high girl and everyone wanted to be me. I was a cheerleader, lots of friends, a boyfriend, and even had a cell phone. everyone thought i was happy i always smiled even when i was sad. my life was not what it appeared to be and honestly my own mother didn’t even notice. People often think its greener on the other side but reality its not and most people don’t realize that things are not what it appears to be. We are taught to reach for more instead of being content and happy with what we have and often times when we do reach for more we lose what we had and don’t even realize what they had was enough and that having more is not what they excepted. the person who i was pretending to be became to much and knowing i was losing who i really was just wasn’t worth being socially accepted and society’s ideal standard. no one ever told me that being myself was good enough and no one told me that there were others who felt the way i did. i only saw and thought that everyone was like my mother. i assumed that everyone cared more about being ideal and society’s idea of normal. when i was finally told that i should be myself and that normal doesn’t existent, i had been hurt by those who were suppose to be my friends and even more hurt by my mother who pretended nothing happened. my mother still today is more worried of being normal and ideal. i finally started being me and even though i knew at a young age that being ideal was wrong i also lack the support and emotional self-worth i needed to just not give in to pressure. i am who i am and if people and society can’t accept me because i am different and because i rather stand apart from the crowd then that’s their problem. i can honestly say that happiness comes from within and that if you can’t find content or happiness with yourself and what you do have then you will never find it.

we all have wants and needs in life and sometimes our wants is what we need. i know for myself the want for happiness is hard to accept or even to allow myself to have. i often feel like i don’t deserve things and i deny myself of those things because of that and i often deny myself of a need that i see as a want. Justin was someone i wanted and i see now that i need to have some happiness and to finally have someone in my life who i can open up to completely. in my short life i have managed to destroy anything and everything that i felt like i didn’t deserve and often times i hurt others in process. i sabotage myself even unknowingly and even though i tried my hardest not to with Justin i managed to still do that some how. i struggled to shared myself with him and even though i shared more of myself with him then anyone else i still pushed him away at times. even though i didn’t ruin it alone i can honestly say about 80% is my fault. i know its crazy that i can love someone so much that has not been the best influence or treated me the best i can say that i love him because he saw me for me and he didn’t leave and he is like me in ways that no one else could be. we helped each other and he didn’t judge me and he told me what i needed to hear and was honest about the important things. when my sister died i didn’t think i could find anyone who could help me or that i could connect with. i know that there are others like myself but finding them is hard and often times is a struggle to just try to find others. Justin was luck and in my eyes was a gift that i didn’t know how to accept. what i realize when we moved in together was he needed me just as much as i needed him. he is like me and the odds of having a second person in my life like this is a blessing and i only say that because the timing was actually perfect. i was mess when i meet Justin and without Racheal i didn’t want do anything and i was giving up on life when i found Justin. even though he got me hooked on drugs and he put his hands on me that one time i can honestly say that i would not be alive if i didn’t meet him. i am only here today because he helped me and he gave me a reason and a purpose to continue on. he makes me feel happy sometimes and the loneliness i often feel has disappeared since i meet him. when i realized he was like me it took a lot out of me to share certain things and the fights we had made us stronger and for once we both had someone to rely on and to finally have a friend that understood. Justin gets the isolation and had been in similar places like myself he also was able to see my wall and the destruction i cause to my life. he often tells me all i do is destroy and that even though i don’t intentionally hurt others i do. he right about that and that if i don’t stop i will eventually have nothing left and that i do deserve happiness and to have things. i know he doesn’t know that i have refused Jon my husband twice since i meet him to come back to Virginia and to work out my marriage. i choose to leave the feeling of content i had with Jon to be with Justin at a chance of having more and i still managed to screw it up. our last fight Justin said he didn’t want to speak to me again and avoided my calls the last few weeks. this has caused me more pain i have ever felt and because of that pain and anger i burn what was left to ashes and i know now i can’t fix it and that its my fault i destroyed any chance of him coming back and my last chance at any happiness in life. my reason and purpose is gone and my only friend and the one person who i need to continue to try and to help me is not coming back. i killed myself and i know that even if by some chance i fix any of this i am not sure it will be enough for him to take me back. i love him and i screwed up and i failed not only him but myself and mainly i wish i didn’t do those things. i hurt him because he hurt me and i honestly i wanted to make sure that he couldn’t hurt me again. old habits is hard to change and mine are killing me and i realize that now that there’s no one left and i should have known not to burn Justin like everyone else because he is not like everyone else. i honestly want him in my life but this want is a need and i didn’t see that. i was blind to the fact i thought of him as a want and in the last few weeks since he left me i have just let myself go. i mean i have not left my apartment and i avoid most calls including my family. in losing my sister was hard and that feeling of being alone is overwhelming but finding someone else saved me and losing him because i couldn’t change or see what i was doing has made me alone again. i blame myself for this mess i made of my life and honestly this is the biggest and most destruction i have ever done in a time period and i honestly don’t have anything worth saving left. i have manage to succeed in making sure i don’t have certain things and to make myself miserable and alone to have nothing so i can have reason to not try or fight. i finally did it and if i can’t fix this and Justin doesn’t come back in my life i wont forgive myself and i don’t want to live with this mess i made. i know it will be a matter of time before i give up completely because i screwed up more than ever this time and i literally dug my grave when i burnt the bridge with Justin. i have nothing left to destroy and i don’t even know if wanna try and fix any of it because i have no one left and loneliness is not worth living for and i am to tired and out of hope of finding someone new or even to do it alone. my family i have pushed away for so long that even trying to connect now is not in me not to mention no one else is like me even if my dad might be i don’t know if there’s time or if we can connect now i feel like to much time has passed and not enough healing on my part from his absence in my childhood for me to share or allow myself to accept his help or his love to the fullest i need to trust him. i trust Justin more than anyone and even though he hurt and left me i would still only trust him to help me and to lay my life in his hands only. i know that trust is key and i never have been able to trust anyone besides Racheal and Justin i don’t even trust my mom. to let someone in to know you completely is to know they will never leave and will accept you for you no matter who you are and to know that they will keep what you hide and you do the same for them without fear and the trust of knowing each other completely without hiding anything and loving each other the same and always no matter what that lets you know you are never alone and that they are a true as a person and a friend. not many people know that feeling of complete openness and freedom to show your self without fear and to know someone else the same and share that bond and connection with another person like yourself is rare. Justin and i shared something that you can’t explain and the feeling i get when i am near him is like nothing i ever experienced not even Racheal its not just unconditional love its like feeling time stops when he smiles at me or when we looked into each other’s eyes and saw each other’s souls and feeling safe when he holds me. i don’t know if that’s true love but i know that i never wanted to screw it up or lose him like this. happiness was given to me and i couldn’t accept it or even realize that this was different that it wasn’t going to fail or hurt me the way i feared most relationships had and could i was scared and i was unable to stop myself and i did what i feared i would do and without even knowing it fully until he left. i wish i could change and that i was not this way that i could allow myself to let in others and to accept that i do deserve more than content and loneliness. if Justin came back to me i would do whatever it took to keep him in my life and i would stop letting fear control my life and remind myself that i am worth something and that i should accept things i deserve instead of this misery i placed upon myself and put my life ruins. twenty five may sound young to give up but twenty five years of this is enough for me if something doesn’t change or happen soon i know that i will eat a bullet before i am 30 and this i am sure of. misery can only last for so long until you had enough and mine has been more than i can bare at this point.

well where to being. justin walked back into my life not sure if its a good thing considering its only been a few weeks since he changed his number and said he was done with me. i also got hugh today with him and Red who is the new addict in my life. i am not sure if i can contiue to to do this to myself, i hate myself and i hate my life. i cant seem to find away to be happy or to stop inflicting pain on myself. i am addict and i purposely destory myself. its like when i know i am doing wrong or i let someone in i have to punish myself. i dont devserve much and i am not sure i can say that i even want anything out of life anymore. we are yall just waiting to die and for me i dont have anything to look foward to other than death. i get tried of people hurting me and hurting myself but i feel like its what i deserve. i so depressed and i am tweaking and i hate it so much. i love justin i do but i also know that shit gets crazy when we are together. i also know he probably doesnt feel the same. i think being alone is what will happen isolation is best and pretty much gaurenteed for me. why bother letting anyone noe i am 25 and the games and everything else is not worth it to me. i already feel worthless and i hate myself so i dont see the point in letting others feel the same about me. i just wish i could wake up from the nightmare that is my life cause its killing me one day at a time.

So its been 2 years since my sister died and to be honest I wish I was in a better place in my life but I am not. I found another addict to hang with so now a have a new supplier to get my drug. Not gonna lie been high for a few days nows. This week is hard for me my sister is ony mind alot and well I am just not sure about things. I got accepted into college and I will be attending next month. I am gonna try and stay clean but its hard. I just hope I dont mess this up like everything else in my life. Going back to school gives me hope that things will get better. I just still cant believe its been 2yrs since her death I sometimes forget that she is gone but I know she will always be with me.

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so my irrational thoughts have gotten the best of me lately. i have made excuses to everyone who has invited me to do something for new years eve even my own mother. no one really understands this i know and i  also know that i only did this cause of my irrational thoughts. i feel like everyone is staring at me lately like they are all talking bad about me. i am also feeling very used and like yesterdays trash to some other people. i know these thoughts are all in my head and are not true but i cant help but to feel helpless in a sea of thoughts and i am slowly drowning myself. i feel with all of the holidays coming to an end soon i should isolate myself quickly. to many people in such a short amount of time for my brain to handle i need a serious vaction away from everyone. i wish someone understood my fears and anxiety of dealing with people on an everyday bais. i know i can be real irrational sometimes but its usually only bad when i have to deal with alot of new people i dont know. this year has been stressful for me with my sister dying last December and meeting my father for the first time on thanksgiving day i can offically say next year will be way better. my struggle with BPD has changed some people’s view on me and others not so much they just think i am crazy and irrational. i do have to say i have been more open with my BPD/Anxiety and my struggle to stop cutting but i know this is only the begining. all i have to say is for now i will be IRRATIONAL and alittle CRAZY until i come down back to reality. Although my view is way better than REALITY!! (its prettier and sparkles more)

ok so the holidays usually bring the worse out of me and other people. i like to isolate myself and hide out for the rest of the year but i cant. seeing as i am having my first chirstmas with my dad and i am sure it will be special so to speak. my mom rather me not go but its my choice and i need to bond with them. i rather not bond with anyone i rather go ahead and shot myself in the face and see my sister for chirstmas then deal with the BS of the holidays. i dont like suprises and i am always worried what others are thinking about me especially my dad and them since i only meet them once. on top of that i have to make sure i dont show any cut marks on myself so this another reason i dont like seeing people. i also hate having to figure out what other people want so i usually end up giving girft cards just to spare anyone from having to return i gift i bought them; i wish others would do the same.  then my roomie has said many times he is quitting the drugs well he went out and bought some weed with my money WTF is wrong with him. i try to be mad and i told him i hated him and well we ended up “cuddleing” if you know what i mean. apparntently there is something wrong with me. on a lighter note his brother just got out of jail so i ve been facebook messaging him today his cool for a drug addict like his brother. besides that i just wanna end it all i hate holidays and i hate my life as of now although my dog seems to love me. but i am sure she doesnt know any better or maybe she knows something i dont. i am not sure on anything right now all i know is if i had a gun i would have already ended this mess long ago. WTF WTF WTF!!!!!

so i am having a bad day with my BPD i am sick of people at this point. no offense to who ever is reading this. at this point in my day i ve not really done anything but clean cause in my thoughts and mind are everywhere i get OCD to the extreme. my roommie was nice enough to come home and bring me lunch since he ate all my cereal bars and theres really not anything else i would eat here. so i was irritated this morning by that and not to mention our house is a reck and my OCD has kicked in and i hate having to clean up after others. so i have been in a awful mood today not to mention when he brought me lunch from KFC he didnt get honey mustard and he left the drinks in the car and made me get them and there was no straws i was like the WTF i just wanna scream at him. of cousre he could tell i was irritated and stressed so he tried to calm me down some. i have to say i know i can be diffucult to live with especially when my BPD is in control and i get in a mood. he really trys to work with me and help but i feel that us helping each other is bringing us down that slope of no return. with his addiction and my implusiveness things get crazy sometimes nothing bad really. he gets high and is goes 90 miles an hour doing whatever which ends in the house being a mess and him being absent minded to everything other than what he is focused on. and me my implusiveness to join him in getting high leads me to isolate and cleaning and it raises my paraniod levels to the extreme and it does the same to my roommie. so imagine two peopel high with extreme paraniod and one with BPD not really a good combination but usually we dont bother each other when we are high unless he gets “lonely” and wants to “cuddle” is which case is the only time we really intereact when high. now i dont condon the use of illegal drugs especially with BPD cause i know the likely of being addicted is much greater. but this is where i am at in life and i want to share all aspects of my BPD the good and the bad. so my day has been trying and my buttons have been pushed. sometimes i just wanna scream and yell and even pick a fiight with someone cause i am so frustrated with little stupid things i know i shouldnt be. i cant help it if i am frustrated that he loses the key to the laundry room when i have clothes in the wash or when he leaves his stuff on the couch after i cleaned. no wonder i wanna hide in my room and be isolated. if i am irritated with him and i get frustrated then i am going to be that way with most people today. ok so thats what i have today and my mind is beinging to wonder on other topics at hand and before i lose myself in my head i have to say reality sucks people who live in the “real” world are blind to things that dont concern them and theres no wonder why i rather live in my head then in reality. ok i dont know if that even made sense but if it didnt then whatever remember i said some of my thoughts may make no sense so there you go my BPD today at hand and in most control.

i feel the need to clarify on my confession #10  yes i know that doing illegal drugs is bad and yes i am aware of the side effects and what it can do with people who have BPD i am also aware of the likely chances of having a breakdown or a relaspe of commiting suicide or cutting myself. i dont condon doing illegal drugs when you have a mental illness but this is  my choice and my journy. now i ve only been using since Aug. 2011 after i got a DUI  and i quit drinking altogether this also when i meet my roommate/whaterever you wanna call him to me in fact he is the who interduced me to my new addiction. at first it was maybe two days out the month we were high and then it turned into week long binges it seems like. now i have had deillusions of seeing white smoke before i ever did any types of drugs and i never told anyone cause i know its not real and i dont like people looking at me like i am nuts or didnt at the time. the white smoke that i see sometimes doesnt bother me in fact it comforts me sometimes. has i started to get high with my roommate i saw the white smoke more often and if i was really high i would be super paranoid and lock myself in my room until i came down. it seems the more i do the drug the more i see the white smoke even when i am not high. to be perfectly honest lately everytime i see it i feel close real close to my sister like i can almost feel her hand on my shoulder. i think thats the main reason i keep doing it the way i been lately to continue to feel close to her.i know this is just  all in my head and its not real but it feels real and sometimes i am not sure what to do.i have yet to tell anyone about the white smoke and i prob wontt i know its not real and i am not scared of  and in fact its comforting and i dont want it to go away. i pretty sure its not going aways now i ve prob done some damage upstairs but well there was alot of that there before hand so i think i will be ok.

please remember drugs and alcohol are not the answer and i know i ve made bad choices and i am dealing with those now dont put yourself where i am

if you or someone you know is abusing drugs or alcohol please call the National crisis hotline at 1-800-521-7128