Skip navigation

Tag Archives: cutters

lets catch up i ended in Arkansa for week high and off my rocker. Cut myself up pretty bad and then after coming down went to Virginia Beach where i went into hospital for a week for manic episode. i stopped talking to Justin for over month although i am still in love with him and i am severely depressed and wish i was dead. i am not i am still here and alone. i been staying on my medication for sometime now and i have to say i rather flush them down the toilet. i am still getting high on meth so that does not help but meth is a hard drug to kick. i finally broke down and called justin tonight only because i needed to someone who understands to talk to. surprisingly he listen and we had good conversation not sure if i will ever get back with him but i know for now i cant be with anyone. i hate feeling alone and scared it makes me feel like a child when i am grown. i plan on going to savannah in few weeks maybe stay there for a while who knows not really making any plans but i need to get away and try and make it on my own. if i cant i will surely end up in a long facility put there by my family who cant deal with me. something has to give and either i am gonna die by killing myself or i am gonna figure this crap out and have some life or happiness in my life. where i am going i dont know but somewhere has to be better than here.

Advertisements

Looking back into my childhood and honestly see just how i got here is amazing to me that i did’t become like everyone else. At a young age i was able to take the things my mother said about being socially accepted and fully comprehend and understand what is acceptable by society’s standards was wrong. My mother and so many other people in my life had not realized what i had at age 5, that being socially accepted even at the cost of losing who you really are was more important than anything else. In understanding this at a young age and no one telling me that being myself was good enough that i was able to alter myself in away that i knew was wrong but would make my mother happy. My mother unknowingly reinforced that being socially acceptable and material things could make you happy. So i started to pretend to be what everyone thought i should be and that was acceptable. I quickly realize what most people realize when they are adults that not being yourself and being happy with who you are is more important than being someone your not. My mother I believe only tried to make me into this person to prevent me from experiencing pain from being picked on or being an outcast because i was different. what she didn’t realize was that not only would society reject me for who i was but that she would also reject me if i fail to be acceptable. My mother over the years always reinforced that looks and who your friends were would make me happy but i knew better than to buy into the opinions of society and their ideas on being normal. i never said anything about what i knew and even though my mother was happy i slowly became unhappy as i got older. i became tired and bitter about how i believed the world was. At 14 i stopped caring so much i still did what i needed to do to keep my mother happy and to not show that i was having problems. honestly any problem i ever had and tried to talk about was not important enough for my mother and i learned at an early age how to suppress things. At age of 15 i was the ideal high girl and everyone wanted to be me. I was a cheerleader, lots of friends, a boyfriend, and even had a cell phone. everyone thought i was happy i always smiled even when i was sad. my life was not what it appeared to be and honestly my own mother didn’t even notice. People often think its greener on the other side but reality its not and most people don’t realize that things are not what it appears to be. We are taught to reach for more instead of being content and happy with what we have and often times when we do reach for more we lose what we had and don’t even realize what they had was enough and that having more is not what they excepted. the person who i was pretending to be became to much and knowing i was losing who i really was just wasn’t worth being socially accepted and society’s ideal standard. no one ever told me that being myself was good enough and no one told me that there were others who felt the way i did. i only saw and thought that everyone was like my mother. i assumed that everyone cared more about being ideal and society’s idea of normal. when i was finally told that i should be myself and that normal doesn’t existent, i had been hurt by those who were suppose to be my friends and even more hurt by my mother who pretended nothing happened. my mother still today is more worried of being normal and ideal. i finally started being me and even though i knew at a young age that being ideal was wrong i also lack the support and emotional self-worth i needed to just not give in to pressure. i am who i am and if people and society can’t accept me because i am different and because i rather stand apart from the crowd then that’s their problem. i can honestly say that happiness comes from within and that if you can’t find content or happiness with yourself and what you do have then you will never find it.

i have never been sure really about anything in my life and really the only thing i was sure of is that everyone is born and everyone dies. That’s one thing i am sure of but as i get older and time passes me i learn and realize things i thought i knew and realized i really had know idea and neither does anyone else. People assume and act like they know everything but in reality they know just as much as you do or less and every so often you meet someone who know just a little bit more. the whole big question everyone wants to know the answer to and some how no one knows the answer they guess and assume but they are not sure the big question What is the meaning of life and our purpose for being here? we humans have asked this question since probably the beginning of time and still no definite answer has been good enough. as time passes me i beginning to watch others and to teach myself the importance of life and things that a classroom can’t teach you. some people call it being a bum or some hippie crap but i think its important to the human spirit and soul to grow and to evolve into something more. we spend our lives building society and government and to gain knowledge of what society feels is important. i dont think thats why we are here or what we should be doing. everyday i see people who have lost their humanity and their compassion for one another. theres always talk of making the world a better place and wanting the next generation to have something better or more. unfortunately you dont see alot of people making an effort to change or to make this place better what you do see is people using each other and fighting each other. i am not a hippie thats all about peace and love but i have to say alot of fighting i see is not necessary and is pointless. we are fighting over land money and power for what to control something that will eventually disappear or is meaningless when it comes down to taking lives of others. you know people are likely to do the right thing if they see someone else do it first and in all honesty even if your not doing it just by saying nothing and watching it is just as wrong. we are suppose to have democracy in the United States but half the time the government lies and doesnt do what they are suppose to do. if you ask people why are fighting in the middle east and most people will say to catch the 9/11 terrorist but we already caught him and some who try and keep up with the news will say to help them set up a government like ours but no one realizes that most of the people in the middle east dont want us there and truthfully no one brings up the oil thats there that America government is trying to seize control over. i know if the government would tell us that its because of oil that our people are dying for a lot of people would be upset. its sad to say that even our government has other motives that some would not agree with. the whole tax payers paying more and our debt raising and its all money money money. the solution to our nations debt is simple even a high school student could figure it out. i say lets cut the pay of government senates, the president and his officers pay and judges why not cut their high pay if they are really in it to help our country and make people who make more money pay more taxes and stop sending people overseas to fight an unnecessary fight over oil and money then the government needs to band or restrict companies that started in the U.S from going overseas to manufacturer just because labor is cheaper there we need to reinvest in our country put money back into ourselves and makes jobs that people in our country so people have money to buy and promote America with in itself. i know if we dont buy american made no one else will and i know if we dont start fixing our country instead of trying to fix others then eventually there will be no America and to think its because of a piece of paper that the government and society as said that will fix everything and buy happiness money is what has become our reason to work and to drive us to what we believe will make us happy. i have to say thats sad that we let a piece of paper control us the way it does. i think we should forget money and focus on people and ourselves. we should be helping each other and we should be compassionate and understanding of each other. we spent so much time in thinking we were building a better place full material things for the next generation but in reality we been destroying and killing the humanity and love that we need. people will always fight but its when we learn to fight over a more meaningful purpose that we can then learn to live in peace and stop the fighting for good. things will never be prefect but we are slowly evolving into a hatred and meaningless existence that will led to constant fighting to nuclear war and bio hazard warfare that will kill all of us. if we dont change the way we treat each other and we dont take the time to help and make a change to better ourselves and to be the example to future generations then we are doomed to not only repeat our failures but also worsen the way we think and future generations will soon forget compassion and the meaning of understanding and acceptance will be just a myth that will eventually be forgotten we believe we should be evolving into a more intelligent people but really we should be evolving spiritually and looking within ourselves for something more and giving more of ourselves to others we should be growing as a person and evolving into a better person and giving the knowledge of truth and ourselves to others because reality no one will care if know every fact about a subject what i care about is did you comprehend the lessons and learn something to improve yourself to help others or are you like everyone else who really just dont care enough because it doesnt effect you now and you figure someone else will do it because thats what people did before us and those who did try at least are at peace with their lives and who they are you and after reading this either you will think about it or you will just think i am crazy and maybe i am crazy but this is this my thoughts and how i see things take it or leave it this is only a little insight into my hopeful maybe delusional mind and for myself i can honestly say if there was more understanding and compassion in this world then maybe so many people wouldnt use suicide as a way out of this place because most people cant accept themselves if no one else does either

On each section the Band is listed first then the song titles and the * are my favorites hope yall listen and enjoy and most of theses bands i do enjoy their other songs theses are just the ones i really feel are speaking for my soul right now and that may sound stupid to you but these songs found the words i was trying to say and made me realize that someone else gets it out there and knows what i am feeling

Art Of Dying
*Sorry
Breathe again
Best I can
Die trying

My Darkest Days
Save yourself
Like nobody else
The world belongs to me
Still Worth fighting for
Save me
Goodbye
*Without you

Saving Abel
Contagious

Shinedown
Breaking inside
Call me
My name (wearing me out)
Save me
Her name is Alice
For my sake
I am not alright
Through the ghost

Sick Puppies
What are you looking for
Riptide
Odd One
So what I lied
Should’ve know better
In it for life
Don’t walk away

The Pretty Wreckless
Make me wanna die
Just tonight
Zombie
You
Far from never
*Heart
Panic
Hit me like a man
Nothing left to lose
Everybody wants something from me
*Where did Jesus go?

Three Days Grace
Break
Chalk outline
Misery loves my company
*The high road
Time of dying
Time that remains
Unbreakable heart
Last to know
Without you

Theory of a DeadMan
Great pretender
Hate my life
*Hurricane
Not meant to be
Out of my head
Sacrifice

The Wreckers
Stand still look pretty
Leave the pieces

well where to being. justin walked back into my life not sure if its a good thing considering its only been a few weeks since he changed his number and said he was done with me. i also got hugh today with him and Red who is the new addict in my life. i am not sure if i can contiue to to do this to myself, i hate myself and i hate my life. i cant seem to find away to be happy or to stop inflicting pain on myself. i am addict and i purposely destory myself. its like when i know i am doing wrong or i let someone in i have to punish myself. i dont devserve much and i am not sure i can say that i even want anything out of life anymore. we are yall just waiting to die and for me i dont have anything to look foward to other than death. i get tried of people hurting me and hurting myself but i feel like its what i deserve. i so depressed and i am tweaking and i hate it so much. i love justin i do but i also know that shit gets crazy when we are together. i also know he probably doesnt feel the same. i think being alone is what will happen isolation is best and pretty much gaurenteed for me. why bother letting anyone noe i am 25 and the games and everything else is not worth it to me. i already feel worthless and i hate myself so i dont see the point in letting others feel the same about me. i just wish i could wake up from the nightmare that is my life cause its killing me one day at a time.

ok so i will admit i am drunk no lie. i dont write as much cuz i been clean of meth for about 3 weeks. i think about using all the time i cant stop my addiction and i completely broke it off with Justin who was my roomie and the guy who got me hooked on meth. i havent seen my dad in almost a year. my marriage is still falling apart. my family still clueless to almost everything. suicidal more than ever. what else can i say my life is a mess even if it seems on the outside i got it together i am dying on then inside. i loved justin but he apparently didnt feel the same. i am on the rebound and well shit keeps getting worse it seems. i start school in jan and thats a good start but i have no idea how my anexiety will hold up. everyday is a struggle now and more confusing than the last. i have a bad feeling that the end is near and not to due to me. if justin keeps using like he has been he will kill me no matter what. i cant count on god to save me like he has been. Racheal i cant get her out of my head last couple of days she keeps alive some how i feel like if it wasnt for her son i  would have shot myself in the face along time ago. Oding is poitnless tried so many times i ve given up hope on it ever working. my addiction to meth haunts me everyday but some how i manage not to use. achole at this point drives me to stay here numbs the shit i dont wanna feel anymore. common with borderline personality disorder is addictions and lose of life. i am almost 25 and shit haunts me more today than then they did yesterday. thing r getting worse no meds for almost 6 months n i am continuing on a down hill spiral as my sister did i dont know where to go or what to do anymore i am just going with the flow at this point. why try and stop what i cant? i get tried of fighting and really why fight what is probably meant to be kicking and screaming on the way down only hurts me and my family. its killing me this life is making me lose hope in myself and in mankind so why bother. maybe i am just drunk or maybe i am right who knows at this point i dont care anymore.

so i did 10 days inpatients for my meth use, cutting , and suicide thoughts. i got out yesterday afternoon and during my time inpatient if any of yall have been to a place like this you already know what goes on. we have group therapy sessions all day they put on meds if u got off or atleast regulate. me i had been off my meds and not taking them properly but i got all kinds of good stuff now. they put me on lexapro,abilify,clonazepam, prazosin,and trazodone; most of these you already know what they are fro depression anxiety and nightmare with trouble sleeping. while i was in i had to go to AA and NA for my addiction problems. as many of yall know boderline personality disorder one of  the syptoms is addictivesness and implusivness and with the excessive need to do it alot. this journey has lead me from trying to find a way to continue to be close to my sister and find her in way that i could know why and who she became when she died to me finding more about myself and what i need to do to get better and have a better life. my sisters death consumed me and i lost myself along the way but going inpatient i focused on myself and realized i was dying and killing myself slowly. with all that being said i have decieded to spend two weeks with soon to be ex husband to clear and finalize everything so i can move on from that and to find another inpatient place that specializes in BPD and do so intense therepy some may not agree but i have to do this and i want too. i am ready for a change those goods days i lived for i want them back and i want to be able to be there for my family. i will fill yall in the next two weeks on everything and when i go back to inpatient i will let yall know this past time was a short notice and emergancy but this next one is my choice and is planned i cant say i will ever be 100% better but anything is better than where i am now. i feel good and for the first time in a long time i have hope and its good.

so after just letting myself completely no longer  hiding on facebook all my friends now know and now i have no reason to continue to avoid people to the extreme i have been. i have decieded to share my journey on facebook to all who know me without fear of judgement. i know real friends will continue to support and be there for me and if my friend number drops then thats ok. i dont need fake friends and i should not have to hide anymore. i let fear get in my way of getting better and improving my life as a whole and if i didnt change that i would eventually kill myself. my life should be all i can make it and if i wanna change the world away me i must share everything to do that. no one should feel alone and because will live in a society were being judged and being a certain way has maded us feel like we are different and we are freaks so to speak. we are not freaks and we are not the different then most people we just learn as people that talking about the unpleasent or things that will make us outcast we should keep to ourselves. its slowly starting to become a problem and we were wrong for not talking and for hiding. society as whole must change and i hope my facebook will change a few people and will help those who are living with fear to come out and speak. you know facebook has power and we can either use it to help us or let it destroy us. i dont wanna hide anymore and if i continue it will kill me and i know people who do the same are not really living life and that its sad to think people not really living and hiding in fear. mental illness is nothing that we should hide and is something we should talk about freely and openly. mental illness not only affects the person but also those people around them wether or not they are hiding. i just cant stand by and let another person kill themselves because i couldnt come out and i know the more i talk about it and share with anyone who will lesten the better chance there is that things will change. i know that its hard and its easier said than done but i ripping it off like a band aid helped me. my facebook i am not hiding there anymore and soon i wont continue to hide in person either. i know blogging has helped many people express themselves without fear and now i am just taking it to the next level cause its for the best i hope some yall will do the same. if not i know blogging will always be there i will let yall know the journey cause this is the beginng i want to go worldwide and one day speak in front others changing the world by changing myself will help others and i owe alot and the only thing i can give is myself.

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

so my irrational thoughts have gotten the best of me lately. i have made excuses to everyone who has invited me to do something for new years eve even my own mother. no one really understands this i know and i  also know that i only did this cause of my irrational thoughts. i feel like everyone is staring at me lately like they are all talking bad about me. i am also feeling very used and like yesterdays trash to some other people. i know these thoughts are all in my head and are not true but i cant help but to feel helpless in a sea of thoughts and i am slowly drowning myself. i feel with all of the holidays coming to an end soon i should isolate myself quickly. to many people in such a short amount of time for my brain to handle i need a serious vaction away from everyone. i wish someone understood my fears and anxiety of dealing with people on an everyday bais. i know i can be real irrational sometimes but its usually only bad when i have to deal with alot of new people i dont know. this year has been stressful for me with my sister dying last December and meeting my father for the first time on thanksgiving day i can offically say next year will be way better. my struggle with BPD has changed some people’s view on me and others not so much they just think i am crazy and irrational. i do have to say i have been more open with my BPD/Anxiety and my struggle to stop cutting but i know this is only the begining. all i have to say is for now i will be IRRATIONAL and alittle CRAZY until i come down back to reality. Although my view is way better than REALITY!! (its prettier and sparkles more)