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we all have wants and needs in life and sometimes our wants is what we need. i know for myself the want for happiness is hard to accept or even to allow myself to have. i often feel like i don’t deserve things and i deny myself of those things because of that and i often deny myself of a need that i see as a want. Justin was someone i wanted and i see now that i need to have some happiness and to finally have someone in my life who i can open up to completely. in my short life i have managed to destroy anything and everything that i felt like i didn’t deserve and often times i hurt others in process. i sabotage myself even unknowingly and even though i tried my hardest not to with Justin i managed to still do that some how. i struggled to shared myself with him and even though i shared more of myself with him then anyone else i still pushed him away at times. even though i didn’t ruin it alone i can honestly say about 80% is my fault. i know its crazy that i can love someone so much that has not been the best influence or treated me the best i can say that i love him because he saw me for me and he didn’t leave and he is like me in ways that no one else could be. we helped each other and he didn’t judge me and he told me what i needed to hear and was honest about the important things. when my sister died i didn’t think i could find anyone who could help me or that i could connect with. i know that there are others like myself but finding them is hard and often times is a struggle to just try to find others. Justin was luck and in my eyes was a gift that i didn’t know how to accept. what i realize when we moved in together was he needed me just as much as i needed him. he is like me and the odds of having a second person in my life like this is a blessing and i only say that because the timing was actually perfect. i was mess when i meet Justin and without Racheal i didn’t want do anything and i was giving up on life when i found Justin. even though he got me hooked on drugs and he put his hands on me that one time i can honestly say that i would not be alive if i didn’t meet him. i am only here today because he helped me and he gave me a reason and a purpose to continue on. he makes me feel happy sometimes and the loneliness i often feel has disappeared since i meet him. when i realized he was like me it took a lot out of me to share certain things and the fights we had made us stronger and for once we both had someone to rely on and to finally have a friend that understood. Justin gets the isolation and had been in similar places like myself he also was able to see my wall and the destruction i cause to my life. he often tells me all i do is destroy and that even though i don’t intentionally hurt others i do. he right about that and that if i don’t stop i will eventually have nothing left and that i do deserve happiness and to have things. i know he doesn’t know that i have refused Jon my husband twice since i meet him to come back to Virginia and to work out my marriage. i choose to leave the feeling of content i had with Jon to be with Justin at a chance of having more and i still managed to screw it up. our last fight Justin said he didn’t want to speak to me again and avoided my calls the last few weeks. this has caused me more pain i have ever felt and because of that pain and anger i burn what was left to ashes and i know now i can’t fix it and that its my fault i destroyed any chance of him coming back and my last chance at any happiness in life. my reason and purpose is gone and my only friend and the one person who i need to continue to try and to help me is not coming back. i killed myself and i know that even if by some chance i fix any of this i am not sure it will be enough for him to take me back. i love him and i screwed up and i failed not only him but myself and mainly i wish i didn’t do those things. i hurt him because he hurt me and i honestly i wanted to make sure that he couldn’t hurt me again. old habits is hard to change and mine are killing me and i realize that now that there’s no one left and i should have known not to burn Justin like everyone else because he is not like everyone else. i honestly want him in my life but this want is a need and i didn’t see that. i was blind to the fact i thought of him as a want and in the last few weeks since he left me i have just let myself go. i mean i have not left my apartment and i avoid most calls including my family. in losing my sister was hard and that feeling of being alone is overwhelming but finding someone else saved me and losing him because i couldn’t change or see what i was doing has made me alone again. i blame myself for this mess i made of my life and honestly this is the biggest and most destruction i have ever done in a time period and i honestly don’t have anything worth saving left. i have manage to succeed in making sure i don’t have certain things and to make myself miserable and alone to have nothing so i can have reason to not try or fight. i finally did it and if i can’t fix this and Justin doesn’t come back in my life i wont forgive myself and i don’t want to live with this mess i made. i know it will be a matter of time before i give up completely because i screwed up more than ever this time and i literally dug my grave when i burnt the bridge with Justin. i have nothing left to destroy and i don’t even know if wanna try and fix any of it because i have no one left and loneliness is not worth living for and i am to tired and out of hope of finding someone new or even to do it alone. my family i have pushed away for so long that even trying to connect now is not in me not to mention no one else is like me even if my dad might be i don’t know if there’s time or if we can connect now i feel like to much time has passed and not enough healing on my part from his absence in my childhood for me to share or allow myself to accept his help or his love to the fullest i need to trust him. i trust Justin more than anyone and even though he hurt and left me i would still only trust him to help me and to lay my life in his hands only. i know that trust is key and i never have been able to trust anyone besides Racheal and Justin i don’t even trust my mom. to let someone in to know you completely is to know they will never leave and will accept you for you no matter who you are and to know that they will keep what you hide and you do the same for them without fear and the trust of knowing each other completely without hiding anything and loving each other the same and always no matter what that lets you know you are never alone and that they are a true as a person and a friend. not many people know that feeling of complete openness and freedom to show your self without fear and to know someone else the same and share that bond and connection with another person like yourself is rare. Justin and i shared something that you can’t explain and the feeling i get when i am near him is like nothing i ever experienced not even Racheal its not just unconditional love its like feeling time stops when he smiles at me or when we looked into each other’s eyes and saw each other’s souls and feeling safe when he holds me. i don’t know if that’s true love but i know that i never wanted to screw it up or lose him like this. happiness was given to me and i couldn’t accept it or even realize that this was different that it wasn’t going to fail or hurt me the way i feared most relationships had and could i was scared and i was unable to stop myself and i did what i feared i would do and without even knowing it fully until he left. i wish i could change and that i was not this way that i could allow myself to let in others and to accept that i do deserve more than content and loneliness. if Justin came back to me i would do whatever it took to keep him in my life and i would stop letting fear control my life and remind myself that i am worth something and that i should accept things i deserve instead of this misery i placed upon myself and put my life ruins. twenty five may sound young to give up but twenty five years of this is enough for me if something doesn’t change or happen soon i know that i will eat a bullet before i am 30 and this i am sure of. misery can only last for so long until you had enough and mine has been more than i can bare at this point.

well where to being. justin walked back into my life not sure if its a good thing considering its only been a few weeks since he changed his number and said he was done with me. i also got hugh today with him and Red who is the new addict in my life. i am not sure if i can contiue to to do this to myself, i hate myself and i hate my life. i cant seem to find away to be happy or to stop inflicting pain on myself. i am addict and i purposely destory myself. its like when i know i am doing wrong or i let someone in i have to punish myself. i dont devserve much and i am not sure i can say that i even want anything out of life anymore. we are yall just waiting to die and for me i dont have anything to look foward to other than death. i get tried of people hurting me and hurting myself but i feel like its what i deserve. i so depressed and i am tweaking and i hate it so much. i love justin i do but i also know that shit gets crazy when we are together. i also know he probably doesnt feel the same. i think being alone is what will happen isolation is best and pretty much gaurenteed for me. why bother letting anyone noe i am 25 and the games and everything else is not worth it to me. i already feel worthless and i hate myself so i dont see the point in letting others feel the same about me. i just wish i could wake up from the nightmare that is my life cause its killing me one day at a time.

so i did 10 days inpatients for my meth use, cutting , and suicide thoughts. i got out yesterday afternoon and during my time inpatient if any of yall have been to a place like this you already know what goes on. we have group therapy sessions all day they put on meds if u got off or atleast regulate. me i had been off my meds and not taking them properly but i got all kinds of good stuff now. they put me on lexapro,abilify,clonazepam, prazosin,and trazodone; most of these you already know what they are fro depression anxiety and nightmare with trouble sleeping. while i was in i had to go to AA and NA for my addiction problems. as many of yall know boderline personality disorder one of  the syptoms is addictivesness and implusivness and with the excessive need to do it alot. this journey has lead me from trying to find a way to continue to be close to my sister and find her in way that i could know why and who she became when she died to me finding more about myself and what i need to do to get better and have a better life. my sisters death consumed me and i lost myself along the way but going inpatient i focused on myself and realized i was dying and killing myself slowly. with all that being said i have decieded to spend two weeks with soon to be ex husband to clear and finalize everything so i can move on from that and to find another inpatient place that specializes in BPD and do so intense therepy some may not agree but i have to do this and i want too. i am ready for a change those goods days i lived for i want them back and i want to be able to be there for my family. i will fill yall in the next two weeks on everything and when i go back to inpatient i will let yall know this past time was a short notice and emergancy but this next one is my choice and is planned i cant say i will ever be 100% better but anything is better than where i am now. i feel good and for the first time in a long time i have hope and its good.

i have been opening myself more here and my roomie is really starting to get to know me the whole crazy mess of me. when talking to him about Racheal i got feed back and i realized so many things i wont have if i didnt talk about it. i always feel the guilt of not attending her funeral and wasting the time i had with her and not making a bigger effort. in some ways i have let this consume me but i know everything happens for a reason and what played out was right. she made me a better person and she helped me find my path; in huge way her death brought my dad and us together and the need to be close is there now.i will always feel her here with me and i will learn to listen more closely.to the signs. i have realized today that even though her life was short she made a huge impact on many differnent people her purpose here was completed when she died. without her death i would still not be talking to my dad but once in a couple of months and our plan to meet would still be on hold. even though i miss her greatly i am in a way thankful for her. my dream last night is one i have had before but it will always be my favorite. i am walking in the beach and Racheal is waiting there for me and she huges me she never says anything but the message is clear that she loves me and she is still here just in a different way and that she is watching.i am still learning from her and learning more about who she was and each time i find a new thing about her its made me realize we are almost one in the same. the dream of us on the beach is one i have had since i was 7 it was mine and hers way of spending time together without actually being together. when we talked on the phone we would always agree to meet on the beach same time same place in our dreams. as i get older i am realizing that i am unknowingly am following in her foot steps. at age of 15 i tried to commit suicide at the time i didnt know she had attempted it as well at age of 15.  when i found this out i have started comparing our lives we both were blonde when we were little then dirty blonde in our teenage years and i just recently found out she was a red head for a while and i have had red hair for about 2 years now but she went back blonde and i will pobabley not go back that way. we both have relationship and trust issues especially with men. we are both artistic in our own ways but both are left handed and suffer from a mental illness. we are our own sperate person but we share so much and our bond is strangely intertwined for only seeing each other a handful of times and countless phone calls. i am not afriad to say everything happens for a reason wether or not we realize it at the time and that she was meant to be my sister and meant to be in my life. i am learning to listen more and stop and look around to enjoy the time i have with my family and friends i know it will take time but i am heading in the right dircetion and she is there with me every step of the way.

so my irrational thoughts have gotten the best of me lately. i have made excuses to everyone who has invited me to do something for new years eve even my own mother. no one really understands this i know and i  also know that i only did this cause of my irrational thoughts. i feel like everyone is staring at me lately like they are all talking bad about me. i am also feeling very used and like yesterdays trash to some other people. i know these thoughts are all in my head and are not true but i cant help but to feel helpless in a sea of thoughts and i am slowly drowning myself. i feel with all of the holidays coming to an end soon i should isolate myself quickly. to many people in such a short amount of time for my brain to handle i need a serious vaction away from everyone. i wish someone understood my fears and anxiety of dealing with people on an everyday bais. i know i can be real irrational sometimes but its usually only bad when i have to deal with alot of new people i dont know. this year has been stressful for me with my sister dying last December and meeting my father for the first time on thanksgiving day i can offically say next year will be way better. my struggle with BPD has changed some people’s view on me and others not so much they just think i am crazy and irrational. i do have to say i have been more open with my BPD/Anxiety and my struggle to stop cutting but i know this is only the begining. all i have to say is for now i will be IRRATIONAL and alittle CRAZY until i come down back to reality. Although my view is way better than REALITY!! (its prettier and sparkles more)

my dinner with C didnt go as plan. you see C has a thing for me in fact i think he might be in love with me, but he only sees the happy go lucky person i display when i am around him the “fake” me. i have managed to keep people to a certain distance and not let anyone know about my problems or mental illness. C and I once had an intament relationship but i cut that off shortly after it began due to the cutting factor and he was getting to close. we had been friends since high school and we will hopefully continue to be. my easing out fact about my mental state and what goes on behind close doors seem to come out tonight. i cant hide anymore i cant continue on not letting others in and isolating myself cuase its only killing me in the end. i just cant take the lieing to people and the BS anymore i am so sick of hiding myself my mental illness my cutting i cant hide it anymore its eating me up inside. so in a hurry to leave tonight cause he wants more than friends from me i let him in and showed him my leg and after that i felt the urge to run as always and i did i left. i could see the saddness on his face what he didnt know the realization of how bad i was. the sympathy he probabley has now for me is not what i want, he doesnt understand and he may never understand.  my irrational fears and thoughts are going through my head and i dont know what will happen now but i cant help but feel alittle relieved for once he saw me the whole ugly truth of me i feel exposed and unsafe right now but i know that its what i need to do to help myself to get better in some way to feel better. i am not sure if i did the right thing or if i am doing the right thing by speaking out and talking about myself my ugly and dark self the part of me i hide for so long is finally coming out. the bulid up of the pressure to fit in and to do whats excepted of me is out. i just hope when i talk to my family it will go better and i wont run away like i seem to do so often. i am tried of running and hiding i have been doing it for 9 years now i cant do it anymore i have to face myself and my family and friends. hiding is no longer worth it and its hard and i have run out of excuses for myself. i just hope my irrational fears and thoughts dont lead me back down that run and i can fight the thoughts. i am hurting so much on the inside cause i am constantly fighting with myself fighting the irrational side of me.

So yesterday i choose to not see anyone or talk to anyone isolation has become my new friend. The want to tell people and be open scares me the unknown and misunstandings. My friend C wanted to hang out but i told him i was sick in fact i told everyone i was sick just so they wouldnt bother me. My roomie he is becoming more understanding and showing he cares. He often says he loves me and i always repley no you dont. I am not sure if he really does or doesnt I know he cares about me but thats all I am really sure of. The thought of suicide is always in the back of my head and yesterday i was almost considering it; just to end it all and i wonder if anyone would really miss me. Sometimes I just wanna let it all go run off somewhere start a new, somewhere where no one knows me or can find me. Being somewhat mentally ill people who are close to you tend to worry about your state of mind constantly and is always calling to check up on you. So running off and not telling anyone and hiding would be bad for me, cause they would find me and probabley lock me up somewhere. So suicide is my escape route at this time and I dont actually plan on using it right now but its a dream. As i get older and life becomes more confusing than the day before i realize that i dont understand how the world works sometimes. The way people can act so mean and cruel to one another is beyond my understanding. There are times i rather just let my delusions take over in live in a much happier place then fight to stay with reality which sucks. I am often afriad that the delusions I sometimes have may come out and the meds for psychois is not pleasant. Some of the meds I have been on have often made me sick or made me zoned out. The ones that made me zone out were the psychois meds I didnt feel anything and it was like i wasnt here like i wasnt a human being. The thought of my delusions of the things i see no longer being there scares me I realize I have seen them for so long and dealt with it that is it was gone then I wouldnt be me and I wouldnt feel safe with out it. as the thoughts come in and out the battle i fear continues the fight and struggle to hold on to reality almost seems impossible. I fear i might be on the losing end and fighting with myself on who to trust who not to and what others think is almost to much to bear. I often wish people understood why I cant just simply be happy I am usually content but Happy is a feeling i am not sure I ve ever felt. I ve been this way for so long I dont remember any other way and if I was happy it must have been before i could fully remember. The 24 years of my life seems like its taken forever to get here the last 10 have been a struggle to find acceptence among my peers and some peace within myself. All the meds that are out there may never fully fix me and some may never help but I have to say if I was not like this then I would have never seen what the world is really like I would have been naive and blind but happy. I rather see and know the truth and be content and furstrated and confused than to live life happy and blind to the world’s cruelty. As this journey continues I am sure at some point i will find happiness if not then content is all i need just hopefully without the confusion my mind plays for me.

ok so i am about to go in into over drive with all of these random thoughts ideas and god knows whatever may pop out feel free to read but dont blame me if you get lost or confused cause i am constanly confused by most of them where to begin the idea that we as people only use 10% of our brains what happens to the other 90% and what about those how use more the so call genuises? on the other hand what about the people who are below average smart do they use less? sometimes i find myself wondering about the weridiest things and others i am not really so sure where these things come from its like i can easliy get side tracked from a topic and totally be somewhere else i find this happening way more often has i get older like i can be talking about clothes and the next thing i know i am on topic about my dog where did i go and how did i get there i tend ramble on sometimes about nothing and sometimes about eye opening realizations about things like myself but this only happens when i am high and i would talk more about the realizations of myself but some of those things are way to personal to share at this time they lay more in the my sexual encounters topic which i am not ready to fully deal with just yet i am still working on the dealing with the death of my sister and the complex issues on having a relationship with my estrange father who was never around but when my sister died we both realized that i needed him now and he has been there which makes me wonder the real reason he was not around it could have to do with the fact my mother dislikes him alot and can be very diffuclt at times to get along with in fact our relationship didnt improve until i moved out being her only child and only having her has my parent i was smoothered by her dont get me wrong i ove her very much but growing up with no room to breathe no wonder most of my rebellion didnt happen until after i moved out and then i went alittle wild i did anything and everything that was put in front of me atleast once my implusive behavior got the best of me and still does when i am unsupervised so to speak ok so my dog is totally distracting me but thats ok she so cute i love her in fact i think she is the only one who really has unconitional love  for me which brings a thought unconitional love they say parents have for their childern but what about the parents that werent around do they have unconitional love for that child and then what about the parents who kill their kids what does that say about them so many thoughts so many questions and yet never enough answers i am not sure how to stop this or end it so i will until the next over load of my mind  hope you didnt lost of just confused