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On each section the Band is listed first then the song titles and the * are my favorites hope yall listen and enjoy and most of theses bands i do enjoy their other songs theses are just the ones i really feel are speaking for my soul right now and that may sound stupid to you but these songs found the words i was trying to say and made me realize that someone else gets it out there and knows what i am feeling

Art Of Dying
*Sorry
Breathe again
Best I can
Die trying

My Darkest Days
Save yourself
Like nobody else
The world belongs to me
Still Worth fighting for
Save me
Goodbye
*Without you

Saving Abel
Contagious

Shinedown
Breaking inside
Call me
My name (wearing me out)
Save me
Her name is Alice
For my sake
I am not alright
Through the ghost

Sick Puppies
What are you looking for
Riptide
Odd One
So what I lied
Should’ve know better
In it for life
Don’t walk away

The Pretty Wreckless
Make me wanna die
Just tonight
Zombie
You
Far from never
*Heart
Panic
Hit me like a man
Nothing left to lose
Everybody wants something from me
*Where did Jesus go?

Three Days Grace
Break
Chalk outline
Misery loves my company
*The high road
Time of dying
Time that remains
Unbreakable heart
Last to know
Without you

Theory of a DeadMan
Great pretender
Hate my life
*Hurricane
Not meant to be
Out of my head
Sacrifice

The Wreckers
Stand still look pretty
Leave the pieces

ok so i will admit i am drunk no lie. i dont write as much cuz i been clean of meth for about 3 weeks. i think about using all the time i cant stop my addiction and i completely broke it off with Justin who was my roomie and the guy who got me hooked on meth. i havent seen my dad in almost a year. my marriage is still falling apart. my family still clueless to almost everything. suicidal more than ever. what else can i say my life is a mess even if it seems on the outside i got it together i am dying on then inside. i loved justin but he apparently didnt feel the same. i am on the rebound and well shit keeps getting worse it seems. i start school in jan and thats a good start but i have no idea how my anexiety will hold up. everyday is a struggle now and more confusing than the last. i have a bad feeling that the end is near and not to due to me. if justin keeps using like he has been he will kill me no matter what. i cant count on god to save me like he has been. Racheal i cant get her out of my head last couple of days she keeps alive some how i feel like if it wasnt for her son i  would have shot myself in the face along time ago. Oding is poitnless tried so many times i ve given up hope on it ever working. my addiction to meth haunts me everyday but some how i manage not to use. achole at this point drives me to stay here numbs the shit i dont wanna feel anymore. common with borderline personality disorder is addictions and lose of life. i am almost 25 and shit haunts me more today than then they did yesterday. thing r getting worse no meds for almost 6 months n i am continuing on a down hill spiral as my sister did i dont know where to go or what to do anymore i am just going with the flow at this point. why try and stop what i cant? i get tried of fighting and really why fight what is probably meant to be kicking and screaming on the way down only hurts me and my family. its killing me this life is making me lose hope in myself and in mankind so why bother. maybe i am just drunk or maybe i am right who knows at this point i dont care anymore.

so i did 10 days inpatients for my meth use, cutting , and suicide thoughts. i got out yesterday afternoon and during my time inpatient if any of yall have been to a place like this you already know what goes on. we have group therapy sessions all day they put on meds if u got off or atleast regulate. me i had been off my meds and not taking them properly but i got all kinds of good stuff now. they put me on lexapro,abilify,clonazepam, prazosin,and trazodone; most of these you already know what they are fro depression anxiety and nightmare with trouble sleeping. while i was in i had to go to AA and NA for my addiction problems. as many of yall know boderline personality disorder one of  the syptoms is addictivesness and implusivness and with the excessive need to do it alot. this journey has lead me from trying to find a way to continue to be close to my sister and find her in way that i could know why and who she became when she died to me finding more about myself and what i need to do to get better and have a better life. my sisters death consumed me and i lost myself along the way but going inpatient i focused on myself and realized i was dying and killing myself slowly. with all that being said i have decieded to spend two weeks with soon to be ex husband to clear and finalize everything so i can move on from that and to find another inpatient place that specializes in BPD and do so intense therepy some may not agree but i have to do this and i want too. i am ready for a change those goods days i lived for i want them back and i want to be able to be there for my family. i will fill yall in the next two weeks on everything and when i go back to inpatient i will let yall know this past time was a short notice and emergancy but this next one is my choice and is planned i cant say i will ever be 100% better but anything is better than where i am now. i feel good and for the first time in a long time i have hope and its good.

i have been opening myself more here and my roomie is really starting to get to know me the whole crazy mess of me. when talking to him about Racheal i got feed back and i realized so many things i wont have if i didnt talk about it. i always feel the guilt of not attending her funeral and wasting the time i had with her and not making a bigger effort. in some ways i have let this consume me but i know everything happens for a reason and what played out was right. she made me a better person and she helped me find my path; in huge way her death brought my dad and us together and the need to be close is there now.i will always feel her here with me and i will learn to listen more closely.to the signs. i have realized today that even though her life was short she made a huge impact on many differnent people her purpose here was completed when she died. without her death i would still not be talking to my dad but once in a couple of months and our plan to meet would still be on hold. even though i miss her greatly i am in a way thankful for her. my dream last night is one i have had before but it will always be my favorite. i am walking in the beach and Racheal is waiting there for me and she huges me she never says anything but the message is clear that she loves me and she is still here just in a different way and that she is watching.i am still learning from her and learning more about who she was and each time i find a new thing about her its made me realize we are almost one in the same. the dream of us on the beach is one i have had since i was 7 it was mine and hers way of spending time together without actually being together. when we talked on the phone we would always agree to meet on the beach same time same place in our dreams. as i get older i am realizing that i am unknowingly am following in her foot steps. at age of 15 i tried to commit suicide at the time i didnt know she had attempted it as well at age of 15.  when i found this out i have started comparing our lives we both were blonde when we were little then dirty blonde in our teenage years and i just recently found out she was a red head for a while and i have had red hair for about 2 years now but she went back blonde and i will pobabley not go back that way. we both have relationship and trust issues especially with men. we are both artistic in our own ways but both are left handed and suffer from a mental illness. we are our own sperate person but we share so much and our bond is strangely intertwined for only seeing each other a handful of times and countless phone calls. i am not afriad to say everything happens for a reason wether or not we realize it at the time and that she was meant to be my sister and meant to be in my life. i am learning to listen more and stop and look around to enjoy the time i have with my family and friends i know it will take time but i am heading in the right dircetion and she is there with me every step of the way.

so for a while now i  have been humming a tune and i didnt know the lyrics to it. i do know its a little song my sister sang to me over the phone to help me sleep at night cause i was scared of the dark. i used to sing it when i was little to help sleep and as i got older i just hummed it. so i am going to post what i remembered so far and i am not sure if its a nursery rhyme or not i just know my dad sang it to her and she song it to me.

the song:

When you see the monsters in the dark, just turn on the lights and they will disappear and you’ll be able to sleep tight in the light, will save you from all of the bumps in the night and if you get scared just hum the tune to turn on the lights to scare away all the monsters in the dark

 

Thats all i have right now i think there is more but i am not sure right now and i might have mixed up the lyrics alittle but i think thats how it goes i could never remember the lyrics all the time so i just hummed it for the most part but i will update this post when i find out i just wanted to go ahead and put what i could remember. And if anyone knows this rhyme please feel free to help me out  thanks.

as the new year comes on i seem to be filling up with more questions and no one seems to have the answers i need. my sister i know was one of a kind and no one will ever replace her. i feel like the only person how has ever understood me and has helped me i know she is gone but i still feel her with me everyday. sometimes i am still afriad to sleep and others times i look foward hoping and praying she will answer my questions. i know i got short changed time with her and my other siblings due to my parents not getting along. because of this i my memeroies of her in person are very few but special and the phones calls and letters become that more special to me than anything. i am holding on to what i know of her and still finding more of what i didnt know. she always seemed to know when i had a bad day cause she always called or i got a letter with pictures. she knew more about me than anyone could ever know but i yet to know her. i hoping soon all the answers will reveal themselves and everything will make sense. i loved her very much and i miss her greatly. there is so many things i wanted to tell her so many questions i wanted to ask her and so many things i wanted to do with her. i wanted so much to spend time with her more than just a day here or there that i got growing up but time seemed to pass so quickly and then she waas gone, when i first meet our dad for thanksgiving i wished so bad Racheal was here but beacuse she wasnt i almost decieded not to go i was so scared. she was the one who changed my mind about meeting him we had talked about it so many times the four of us kids and our Dad for the first time. that was my dream our plan i needed her there i still need her. because of when she died i choose not to attend the funeral i was to emtionally unstable to deal with her death and meeting our dad for the first time in one day and alone. my dad understood i had talked to him serval times before she died and more now after. she brought us all together and even though i have the dad i always wanted growing up i really wish we didnt wait so long and maybe she could have been there as planned. even though she is gone i will always need, miss and love her no matter what. she could never disappoint me or make me angery at her our bond will forever still be there even though she is gone. she is always with me in my heart and next to me in spirit. i will always be searching for her this i know as i find myself i will eventually find her.

my sister at age 5 holding me when i was a baby

 

so with my BPD i tend to have these ideas and thoughts on how others see me. i know i am not the hottest thing on the block but i am not completely ugly either. last night my rommie and i went to a strip club to play pool. i dont mind the strip club cause i do like girls as well and the strippers there are really hot. but i couldnt help but notice that my roomie was staring hard at the strippers and not to mention hinting on them. i was not jealous of this cause he did introduce me to them as is girlfriend so i was ok with this. but later on when we got home we spent about 5hrs having sex but he couldnt get off. i feel like maybe i should be just as hot as the strippers we saw. you know thin pretty. i mean i am not that overwieght but i do wanns lose some weight and it defitinly wont hurt. i feel like i dont measure up to those girls or to girls that i know he really likes. he says he likes the way i look and is that he is attrative to me. but i cant help feel that he rather me look like those strippers at the club. i know its all in my head and he probabley doesnt feel that way but i think this cause he couldnt get off. i know i am wrong and i should not have these insucrities but i do and i am always feeling like i dont measure up to other people and that people look down on me. i know its just the BPD talking and its all in my head but i never really felt happy with myself and i think people can see that. i know if i was happy with myself i wouldnt be thinking this but i am not so i dont know what to do. i am not gonna say anything cause its not important and if he wanted to be with someone else he would tell me. i just need to stop thinking so negative and stop assuming everyone is thinking these things about me.

so my irrational thoughts have gotten the best of me lately. i have made excuses to everyone who has invited me to do something for new years eve even my own mother. no one really understands this i know and i  also know that i only did this cause of my irrational thoughts. i feel like everyone is staring at me lately like they are all talking bad about me. i am also feeling very used and like yesterdays trash to some other people. i know these thoughts are all in my head and are not true but i cant help but to feel helpless in a sea of thoughts and i am slowly drowning myself. i feel with all of the holidays coming to an end soon i should isolate myself quickly. to many people in such a short amount of time for my brain to handle i need a serious vaction away from everyone. i wish someone understood my fears and anxiety of dealing with people on an everyday bais. i know i can be real irrational sometimes but its usually only bad when i have to deal with alot of new people i dont know. this year has been stressful for me with my sister dying last December and meeting my father for the first time on thanksgiving day i can offically say next year will be way better. my struggle with BPD has changed some people’s view on me and others not so much they just think i am crazy and irrational. i do have to say i have been more open with my BPD/Anxiety and my struggle to stop cutting but i know this is only the begining. all i have to say is for now i will be IRRATIONAL and alittle CRAZY until i come down back to reality. Although my view is way better than REALITY!! (its prettier and sparkles more)

ok so the holidays usually bring the worse out of me and other people. i like to isolate myself and hide out for the rest of the year but i cant. seeing as i am having my first chirstmas with my dad and i am sure it will be special so to speak. my mom rather me not go but its my choice and i need to bond with them. i rather not bond with anyone i rather go ahead and shot myself in the face and see my sister for chirstmas then deal with the BS of the holidays. i dont like suprises and i am always worried what others are thinking about me especially my dad and them since i only meet them once. on top of that i have to make sure i dont show any cut marks on myself so this another reason i dont like seeing people. i also hate having to figure out what other people want so i usually end up giving girft cards just to spare anyone from having to return i gift i bought them; i wish others would do the same.  then my roomie has said many times he is quitting the drugs well he went out and bought some weed with my money WTF is wrong with him. i try to be mad and i told him i hated him and well we ended up “cuddleing” if you know what i mean. apparntently there is something wrong with me. on a lighter note his brother just got out of jail so i ve been facebook messaging him today his cool for a drug addict like his brother. besides that i just wanna end it all i hate holidays and i hate my life as of now although my dog seems to love me. but i am sure she doesnt know any better or maybe she knows something i dont. i am not sure on anything right now all i know is if i had a gun i would have already ended this mess long ago. WTF WTF WTF!!!!!

so i am a cutter the first time was when i was 15 that was 9 years ago. the first cut is never the last and once you do the frst the easier it is to another one until you cant go a week without it. now if you havent started cutting i beg you please do not start its a daily battle to convience your self not to cut. And for those who are cutters already you know the struggle of hiding the cuts and scars and fighting the urge not to cut. I went 2 years without cutting and i relasped last Dec since then i ve been cutting almost weekly and sometimes i get into a fit and cut furiously until i calm down which always leaves a mess of blood . myself worth and self esteem is at a new low in my life but i have to say without cutting i probabley comitte suicidei think its the only thing stopping me to get out frustration. i know i shouldnt but its where i am at now. this is probabley the worse part and side of my BPD the need to hurt myself in physchical and emitional states.

Why Me

 please note these are my personal photos of myself and my struggles with cutting. please know that i am also being treated for cutting, BPD, and Anxiety. This is just away for me to open up to others without personal loss. Please also remember only two people know in my life and yall are getting an inside look into my personal state of mind and life so do not leave negative comments. Thank You.