The Light Is There

i have been opening myself more here and my roomie is really starting to get to know me the whole crazy mess of me. when talking to him about Racheal i got feed back and i realized so many things i wont have if i didnt talk about it. i always feel the guilt of not attending her funeral and wasting the time i had with her and not making a bigger effort. in some ways i have let this consume me but i know everything happens for a reason and what played out was right. she made me a better person and she helped me find my path; in huge way her death brought my dad and us together and the need to be close is there now.i will always feel her here with me and i will learn to listen more closely.to the signs. i have realized today that even though her life was short she made a huge impact on many differnent people her purpose here was completed when she died. without her death i would still not be talking to my dad but once in a couple of months and our plan to meet would still be on hold. even though i miss her greatly i am in a way thankful for her. my dream last night is one i have had before but it will always be my favorite. i am walking in the beach and Racheal is waiting there for me and she huges me she never says anything but the message is clear that she loves me and she is still here just in a different way and that she is watching.i am still learning from her and learning more about who she was and each time i find a new thing about her its made me realize we are almost one in the same. the dream of us on the beach is one i have had since i was 7 it was mine and hers way of spending time together without actually being together. when we talked on the phone we would always agree to meet on the beach same time same place in our dreams. as i get older i am realizing that i am unknowingly am following in her foot steps. at age of 15 i tried to commit suicide at the time i didnt know she had attempted it as well at age of 15.  when i found this out i have started comparing our lives we both were blonde when we were little then dirty blonde in our teenage years and i just recently found out she was a red head for a while and i have had red hair for about 2 years now but she went back blonde and i will pobabley not go back that way. we both have relationship and trust issues especially with men. we are both artistic in our own ways but both are left handed and suffer from a mental illness. we are our own sperate person but we share so much and our bond is strangely intertwined for only seeing each other a handful of times and countless phone calls. i am not afriad to say everything happens for a reason wether or not we realize it at the time and that she was meant to be my sister and meant to be in my life. i am learning to listen more and stop and look around to enjoy the time i have with my family and friends i know it will take time but i am heading in the right dircetion and she is there with me every step of the way.

The Nursery Rhyme If You Can Help Please Do !?!

so for a while now i  have been humming a tune and i didnt know the lyrics to it. i do know its a little song my sister sang to me over the phone to help me sleep at night cause i was scared of the dark. i used to sing it when i was little to help sleep and as i got older i just hummed it. so i am going to post what i remembered so far and i am not sure if its a nursery rhyme or not i just know my dad sang it to her and she song it to me.

the song:

When you see the monsters in the dark, just turn on the lights and they will disappear and you’ll be able to sleep tight in the light, will save you from all of the bumps in the night and if you get scared just hum the tune to turn on the lights to scare away all the monsters in the dark

 

Thats all i have right now i think there is more but i am not sure right now and i might have mixed up the lyrics alittle but i think thats how it goes i could never remember the lyrics all the time so i just hummed it for the most part but i will update this post when i find out i just wanted to go ahead and put what i could remember. And if anyone knows this rhyme please feel free to help me out  thanks.

Still Searching For Her!

as the new year comes on i seem to be filling up with more questions and no one seems to have the answers i need. my sister i know was one of a kind and no one will ever replace her. i feel like the only person how has ever understood me and has helped me i know she is gone but i still feel her with me everyday. sometimes i am still afriad to sleep and others times i look foward hoping and praying she will answer my questions. i know i got short changed time with her and my other siblings due to my parents not getting along. because of this i my memeroies of her in person are very few but special and the phones calls and letters become that more special to me than anything. i am holding on to what i know of her and still finding more of what i didnt know. she always seemed to know when i had a bad day cause she always called or i got a letter with pictures. she knew more about me than anyone could ever know but i yet to know her. i hoping soon all the answers will reveal themselves and everything will make sense. i loved her very much and i miss her greatly. there is so many things i wanted to tell her so many questions i wanted to ask her and so many things i wanted to do with her. i wanted so much to spend time with her more than just a day here or there that i got growing up but time seemed to pass so quickly and then she waas gone, when i first meet our dad for thanksgiving i wished so bad Racheal was here but beacuse she wasnt i almost decieded not to go i was so scared. she was the one who changed my mind about meeting him we had talked about it so many times the four of us kids and our Dad for the first time. that was my dream our plan i needed her there i still need her. because of when she died i choose not to attend the funeral i was to emtionally unstable to deal with her death and meeting our dad for the first time in one day and alone. my dad understood i had talked to him serval times before she died and more now after. she brought us all together and even though i have the dad i always wanted growing up i really wish we didnt wait so long and maybe she could have been there as planned. even though she is gone i will always need, miss and love her no matter what. she could never disappoint me or make me angery at her our bond will forever still be there even though she is gone. she is always with me in my heart and next to me in spirit. i will always be searching for her this i know as i find myself i will eventually find her.

my sister at age 5 holding me when i was a baby

 

Its All In My Head

so with my BPD i tend to have these ideas and thoughts on how others see me. i know i am not the hottest thing on the block but i am not completely ugly either. last night my rommie and i went to a strip club to play pool. i dont mind the strip club cause i do like girls as well and the strippers there are really hot. but i couldnt help but notice that my roomie was staring hard at the strippers and not to mention hinting on them. i was not jealous of this cause he did introduce me to them as is girlfriend so i was ok with this. but later on when we got home we spent about 5hrs having sex but he couldnt get off. i feel like maybe i should be just as hot as the strippers we saw. you know thin pretty. i mean i am not that overwieght but i do wanns lose some weight and it defitinly wont hurt. i feel like i dont measure up to those girls or to girls that i know he really likes. he says he likes the way i look and is that he is attrative to me. but i cant help feel that he rather me look like those strippers at the club. i know its all in my head and he probabley doesnt feel that way but i think this cause he couldnt get off. i know i am wrong and i should not have these insucrities but i do and i am always feeling like i dont measure up to other people and that people look down on me. i know its just the BPD talking and its all in my head but i never really felt happy with myself and i think people can see that. i know if i was happy with myself i wouldnt be thinking this but i am not so i dont know what to do. i am not gonna say anything cause its not important and if he wanted to be with someone else he would tell me. i just need to stop thinking so negative and stop assuming everyone is thinking these things about me.

Irrational Is My NAME!

so my irrational thoughts have gotten the best of me lately. i have made excuses to everyone who has invited me to do something for new years eve even my own mother. no one really understands this i know and i  also know that i only did this cause of my irrational thoughts. i feel like everyone is staring at me lately like they are all talking bad about me. i am also feeling very used and like yesterdays trash to some other people. i know these thoughts are all in my head and are not true but i cant help but to feel helpless in a sea of thoughts and i am slowly drowning myself. i feel with all of the holidays coming to an end soon i should isolate myself quickly. to many people in such a short amount of time for my brain to handle i need a serious vaction away from everyone. i wish someone understood my fears and anxiety of dealing with people on an everyday bais. i know i can be real irrational sometimes but its usually only bad when i have to deal with alot of new people i dont know. this year has been stressful for me with my sister dying last December and meeting my father for the first time on thanksgiving day i can offically say next year will be way better. my struggle with BPD has changed some people’s view on me and others not so much they just think i am crazy and irrational. i do have to say i have been more open with my BPD/Anxiety and my struggle to stop cutting but i know this is only the begining. all i have to say is for now i will be IRRATIONAL and alittle CRAZY until i come down back to reality. Although my view is way better than REALITY!! (its prettier and sparkles more)

Talking About IT!!!

my dinner with C didnt go as plan. you see C has a thing for me in fact i think he might be in love with me, but he only sees the happy go lucky person i display when i am around him the “fake” me. i have managed to keep people to a certain distance and not let anyone know about my problems or mental illness. C and I once had an intament relationship but i cut that off shortly after it began due to the cutting factor and he was getting to close. we had been friends since high school and we will hopefully continue to be. my easing out fact about my mental state and what goes on behind close doors seem to come out tonight. i cant hide anymore i cant continue on not letting others in and isolating myself cuase its only killing me in the end. i just cant take the lieing to people and the BS anymore i am so sick of hiding myself my mental illness my cutting i cant hide it anymore its eating me up inside. so in a hurry to leave tonight cause he wants more than friends from me i let him in and showed him my leg and after that i felt the urge to run as always and i did i left. i could see the saddness on his face what he didnt know the realization of how bad i was. the sympathy he probabley has now for me is not what i want, he doesnt understand and he may never understand.  my irrational fears and thoughts are going through my head and i dont know what will happen now but i cant help but feel alittle relieved for once he saw me the whole ugly truth of me i feel exposed and unsafe right now but i know that its what i need to do to help myself to get better in some way to feel better. i am not sure if i did the right thing or if i am doing the right thing by speaking out and talking about myself my ugly and dark self the part of me i hide for so long is finally coming out. the bulid up of the pressure to fit in and to do whats excepted of me is out. i just hope when i talk to my family it will go better and i wont run away like i seem to do so often. i am tried of running and hiding i have been doing it for 9 years now i cant do it anymore i have to face myself and my family and friends. hiding is no longer worth it and its hard and i have run out of excuses for myself. i just hope my irrational fears and thoughts dont lead me back down that run and i can fight the thoughts. i am hurting so much on the inside cause i am constantly fighting with myself fighting the irrational side of me.

Another Day in Dealing With Stupid People!

So i know i have not blogged in a couple of days. I would say i ve been busy but that would be a lie. although i have done a few more things here lately than normal and i ve been getting out of the house more. yesterday i went to see my ex step dad who was my main father figure in my life from the age of 9 until now it was interesting considering i have not seen him in for 4 years due to his now ex wife after my mom. i always liked him but now its a little werid and i feel sometimes uncomfortable being around him even though l know he is the same person when i was little but its still werid for me. we had lunch with my ex step stister and his sister which i have not seen since i was 10. it seems lately i have seen more people that i have not seen in awhile like i am saying goodbye to them for the last time i am not really sure maybe i just losing more of my marbles here lately. I am suppose to have dinner with C he is cooking chicken my favorite, its not that i dont wanna go its that in the back of my head i just dont really wanna do anything. i know that werid not really wanting to do anything and to just be left alone but i often feel this way.  i have to remember its an effort to get out and be social for me cause often times i make up excuses not to do or go somewhere. so i am trying really hard not to make these excuses anymore to be more social maybe then i will find happiness instead of content. i have to say my roommate i think is becoming more stupid he left the stove on when he left for work. i almost didnt notice cause i never really go into the kitchen he could have burn the house down. then the toliet is clogged and over flowed and he left for work and asked me to clean up the mess wtf is wrong with him. he stands there watching it over flowing and not doing anything to stop it or clean it up. there might be something seriously wrong with him i am not sure i know i am f****d up but hell really he needs some home training and i dont have the time or patience to do it. well this is all i have for right now my life in a mess and i am tangled up in a web full for stupid people who dont know jack about sh**.

 

WTF is wrong with people!!!

ok so the holidays usually bring the worse out of me and other people. i like to isolate myself and hide out for the rest of the year but i cant. seeing as i am having my first chirstmas with my dad and i am sure it will be special so to speak. my mom rather me not go but its my choice and i need to bond with them. i rather not bond with anyone i rather go ahead and shot myself in the face and see my sister for chirstmas then deal with the BS of the holidays. i dont like suprises and i am always worried what others are thinking about me especially my dad and them since i only meet them once. on top of that i have to make sure i dont show any cut marks on myself so this another reason i dont like seeing people. i also hate having to figure out what other people want so i usually end up giving girft cards just to spare anyone from having to return i gift i bought them; i wish others would do the same.  then my roomie has said many times he is quitting the drugs well he went out and bought some weed with my money WTF is wrong with him. i try to be mad and i told him i hated him and well we ended up “cuddleing” if you know what i mean. apparntently there is something wrong with me. on a lighter note his brother just got out of jail so i ve been facebook messaging him today his cool for a drug addict like his brother. besides that i just wanna end it all i hate holidays and i hate my life as of now although my dog seems to love me. but i am sure she doesnt know any better or maybe she knows something i dont. i am not sure on anything right now all i know is if i had a gun i would have already ended this mess long ago. WTF WTF WTF!!!!!

The Battle Rages On

So yesterday i choose to not see anyone or talk to anyone isolation has become my new friend. The want to tell people and be open scares me the unknown and misunstandings. My friend C wanted to hang out but i told him i was sick in fact i told everyone i was sick just so they wouldnt bother me. My roomie he is becoming more understanding and showing he cares. He often says he loves me and i always repley no you dont. I am not sure if he really does or doesnt I know he cares about me but thats all I am really sure of. The thought of suicide is always in the back of my head and yesterday i was almost considering it; just to end it all and i wonder if anyone would really miss me. Sometimes I just wanna let it all go run off somewhere start a new, somewhere where no one knows me or can find me. Being somewhat mentally ill people who are close to you tend to worry about your state of mind constantly and is always calling to check up on you. So running off and not telling anyone and hiding would be bad for me, cause they would find me and probabley lock me up somewhere. So suicide is my escape route at this time and I dont actually plan on using it right now but its a dream. As i get older and life becomes more confusing than the day before i realize that i dont understand how the world works sometimes. The way people can act so mean and cruel to one another is beyond my understanding. There are times i rather just let my delusions take over in live in a much happier place then fight to stay with reality which sucks. I am often afriad that the delusions I sometimes have may come out and the meds for psychois is not pleasant. Some of the meds I have been on have often made me sick or made me zoned out. The ones that made me zone out were the psychois meds I didnt feel anything and it was like i wasnt here like i wasnt a human being. The thought of my delusions of the things i see no longer being there scares me I realize I have seen them for so long and dealt with it that is it was gone then I wouldnt be me and I wouldnt feel safe with out it. as the thoughts come in and out the battle i fear continues the fight and struggle to hold on to reality almost seems impossible. I fear i might be on the losing end and fighting with myself on who to trust who not to and what others think is almost to much to bear. I often wish people understood why I cant just simply be happy I am usually content but Happy is a feeling i am not sure I ve ever felt. I ve been this way for so long I dont remember any other way and if I was happy it must have been before i could fully remember. The 24 years of my life seems like its taken forever to get here the last 10 have been a struggle to find acceptence among my peers and some peace within myself. All the meds that are out there may never fully fix me and some may never help but I have to say if I was not like this then I would have never seen what the world is really like I would have been naive and blind but happy. I rather see and know the truth and be content and furstrated and confused than to live life happy and blind to the world’s cruelty. As this journey continues I am sure at some point i will find happiness if not then content is all i need just hopefully without the confusion my mind plays for me.

My Comforter

well were do i begin on this; my comforter in my life is Bob and well Bob is really special to me. when i was little my imaginary friend was Bob a Green Hippo. i know i know thats werid and why i am i telling you this. well every person has someone or something that comforts them. this is mine he never leaves me and when i need him the most he is there. now i know you are probabley thinking i am to old to have an imaginary friend well when i was little he was. when i got in high school i took a german class af my foreign language and we had to create a story. Mine of course was about my Bob the Green Hippo and his peanut butter loving ways. when i had to do this story i did a cartoon and everything and soon it became an inside joke or thing with me and my friends. shortly after that i was obessed with finding a stuffed animal of Bob this proved to be a challenge its self. i mean a stuffed animal of a  green hippo really who else besides me would think thats awesome. i went to every store here that sold stuffed animals nothing. so my friend L and i went to a bear ware pottery its like paint a plate place.  they had a hippo in a inner tube that you could paint so i made my own green hippo. the weridist thing is afterwards we went for mexican and they had a claw machine and i kid you not there was a green hippo in there. its like destiny had brought me to my comforter. now everyone knows that claw machines are rip offs so to speak but i only had to try three times to get him and did i got him. i dont tell people this but 9 out of 10 times his always with me. i sleep with him and usually i take him where ever i go like a sercuity blanket but his small enough he fits in my purse and no one knows. now your probabley wondering why i would tell you this its because this is the good in my life when i decieded to write this blog i wanted to share every aspect ot it. having BPD puts you in a category all your own and often feel alone but everyone is different and has thier own story and this is mine. Bob the Green Hippo is a huge part of me and he has been with me through it all and he will continue to be there.

Bob and Bob Jr

 

 

 

Bob