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Tag Archives: anyone who needs help

sometimes we hide ourselves from other people for so long that we end up forgetting parts of ourselves and start believing in the lie, but why are we hiding? why lose parts of ourselves to lies and games? for once i don’t wanna hide or play anymore, for once i am going to accept myself the way i am and stop lying to not only to myself but to others. i know growing up we are taught to accept people the way they are but judgment is often passed and sometimes without even realizing it and sometimes our own judgement to ourselves is much worse then those around us. its hard to accept yourself when others cant accept you and we start hiding and lying not only to ourselves but to those around us. others will always believe the lie if we don’t share the truth but eventually we too believe the lies and lose part of ourselves to it. when we can no longer hide or we finally accept ourselves then we can start living being ourselves without fear. we must remember other people’s opinion on us is not as important as our opinion of ourselves and how we feel about ourselves. we tend to change who we are to fit other’s ideas and we are often taught that not fitting in or not being socially acceptable is more important than accepting ourselves. acceptance starts with ourselves and when we do that we are able to accept others the way the are without judgement. i know for myself i have been in hiding my whole life because i am different and fear kept me from knowing myself and from other knowing me. people only know the person i showed and gave them and honestly most of the time that person was fake and she doesn’t exist. i realized today if i died no one in my life would really know who i am and the person i am would forever be a secret that died with me and i to think of people remembering me as someone i am not as the fake me just made me sad. i realized if i don’t change then i cant expect others to change either and hiding myself was me killing myself. i accept who i am but i have to try harder to show myself to others and to not fear because they don’t have to live in my head and with myself i do. their acceptance and approval used to be important to and i realized as i got older that my own approval was worth more than everyone else’s in the world. i have to remember that we are all different for a reason and we shouldn’t have to hide or change ourselves to fit others ever. remember you cant accept acceptance from others if you can’t accept yourself and you can’t accept others either until then the change has to start with you not other people.

we all need closer to be able to really move on or to let go of certain things. i know for myself it took what seemed like forever to get some closer from my sister’s death and even now its still hard to let go fully. i fell in love with Justin and even though we are not talking and i cant move on yet because we didnt say goodbye and i dont have closer i need to let it go to give up the hope i have that he will come back to me when i dont think he will ever talk to me again. i screwed up like i always do and i pushed away someone i ended up realizing i was in love with.i know i do this to myself and i dont blame anyone but myself. i loved him and i did things i always do to everyone else to not let anyone get close to me but i let him get closer to me than anyone in my life. i was myself to i shared things with him that others even my family dont know and i tried harder than any other time in my life because he was different i trust only him and no one else to share my soul with him and i srcewed up like always. old habits are hard to break and i let my old habits i couldnt and should have changed destroy what little happiness i did have and what could have been my ever after. i lost the love of my life and i feel like crap. i dont have closer with him because he wont talk to me and i cant let go because i dont know where i stand anymore. i need to hear him say that this cant be fixed i need him to tell me there will never be an us again and that i can let go but he hasnt and i dont wanna let go but i know if i dont i will hang on until it kills me or the pain of waiting destroys what i little i have left in life. it took me a long time to move foward from Racheal or at least try and without Justin i now feel lost and confused again like i did when Racheal died. i am not sure what to do now and to be honest the 2 weeks i left the house once and i pretty much have laid in bed and watched netflix and slept i havent been to class or seen anyone other than J who lives with me. i feel lost and just depressed overall i miss him and he was my best friend and everything i needed to change and the only person i been able to let in. its killing me and i need closer to move on i need that goodbye i didnt get with Racheal even though he is not dead our relationship is and i its my fault and i hate i screwed up the best thing in my life and the one thing i needed most. i need him and i know i cant fix things and theres nothing i can do to save it and it sucks. i never felt this way about anyone and i dont think i can ever find anyone who can make me feel complete like he did. when my sister was i alive i didnt feel alone and when she died i felt utterly alone and justin made me feel not alone he helped me in ways no one has and he understood things that most people cant and he didnt think i was crazy or stupid. he made me feel like i could be happy and i could change so i wouldnt end up killing myself and now i feel alone again and i my reason for being here was him and now i am not sure if i can find or even have another reason to continue on to fight myself to be happy. i lost him because i couldnt change enough and i ruined probably my only chance at happiness or at least not being alone. J the guy who lives with me i cant shared myself like i did with Justin because he see the world different and has never been close to where i have or felt what i have. i needed someone to understand me and to accept and help me and justin was it and i didnt see that until now. i love him and always will and i am tried of fighting alone and without him i will be alone and i will never be strong enough to do it alone for long. helped me but not enough to save me from myself and i see that because i pushed him away and in a way that the guilt will probably eat me up and i finally did it i finally destroyed my last chance the last person that i really had and to wait or try to find someone else like us is like a needle in haystack and i was fortunate in my life to have 2 people like myself in my life and i messed up and lost the one i should not have. i should have changed more and we were meant to be there for each other he needed me as much as i needed him but he is stronger than me he is a fighter and will fight to the end even alone and as for me i am not strong and i am not a fighter and being alone and having a wall up for so long is tiring and unbearable. justin can do it alone until he finds someone else but for me i dont have it in me and part of me is just ready to let it go and to just stop fighting to change the isolation to stop trying to let others in and let my wall stay and be alone until it kills me. justin was my one true love and my chance at ever after and i will live with the guilt of knowing i destroyed it and the pain of knowing i did this to myself and that i will never closer to let go or at least try to move on. i need closer to at least try to move foward and without something its going eat at me and i will hold on to it until i just cant take it anymore. i regret this i regret my choices and actions in this relationship with justin and honestly this is the first regret i ever had and i will do what it takes to be the only one because its painful to know i should have know differently and what i should have done is something i never wanted in my life and it sucks to have that feeling. i used to regret something but i came to be at peace with those things and find closer to do that but this i feel may never have closer and never heal the broken heart i have now. i am sorry its a sad writing but this is where i am now and i honestly hate it and i honestly dont want anyone to lose the love of thier life just because old habits and of a wall that you built to protect yourself because its not worth the pain or the regret and that finding that one true love only comes once and you only get one and that is true happiness to be with the one who completes you and you should never let it go no matter what and i did and i let myself destroy things my entire life because of that wall i built and i let that wall kill me and i am didnt even realize it until now i realize now i never let myself be happy when i should have and i never gave anything or anyone the chance to try and make me happy i deined myself of this by destroying everything that was in front of me for whatever reason and i just been doing it for so long that when i finally got what i truelly needed and wanted i didnt see that i was destroying it so badly until now i ran it in the ground and i set it on fire and threw away the ashes i literally have just made it to be unfixable and ididnt realize i was doing that and when i did i just kept on and i hate myself for so long i deprieved myself for what i am not even sure why anymore. i thought i was protecting myself from other people hurting me and then i realized i hated myself for such a long time because i blamed myself for failures of others and myself and i thought i was saving others from my pain from me hurting them in the end to protect myself from disappointment of others and to puinsh myself for not being good enough i never felt good enough for anyone not even myself and i guess part of me never fixed or even tried to change that i am afraid of failure so i didnt try to change certain things so i didnt have to risk failing the fear of failing kept me from doing certain things and the wall i built was out of fear and have no self worth i always felt i hated myself for things that i know now were not my fault but those feeling have there so long i finally hated myself and figure if i hated myself so should others and in a way it reinforced my wall i built and it fuel the fire i needed to destroy everything i have ever gotten and literally do it in a way that others would hate for life too i did things that most people would guilt over but not me the guilt i felt was turned to hate i hated everyone and myself and i never felt hate for racheal or justin and the hate i thought i had for my dad and my mom and my family i realized was just anger and i didnt realize that until after Racheal died. i only saw my dad when i realized i didnt hate him and i guess i never let go of the hate i have for myself and maybe its not hate its anger its fear i pushed away everyone and their love i felt the love from Racheal and from Justin their love i felt fully and it was alot and maybe i felt like i didnt deserve it or that if i tried and failed was not something i wanted to risk i always felt like a disappointment and i hated the feeling of failure especailly when others would be disappointed in me for failing so i just didnt try alot time i just built a wall to avoid ever feeling those feeling and to not let people know i blamed myself for not being good enough for my mom or my dad not being around because there was something wrong with me i felt like i was never good enough for anyone to love me and i loved everyone but i never showed and i never said it meaningful always sarcastically and then i just stopped saying except to Racheal i always said it meaningful to her and Justin was the first i said it to that i truely meant and would do anything for but the fear and the wall i couldnt do enough or try hard enough to just not destroy it to let go of the fear i failed myself and him and i disappointed him and myself and that guilt i wont forgive myself ever and it sucks that closer may help but i dont think i can let go fully of my guilt or my anger for myself i am sorry for to him and to myself and i dont want anyone to have to feel what i am feeling now or go through this pain all because of this wall of isolation this wall is kill me i know that now and i cant do anything else and i am out time and out of help i am just quite at this point and let it sufficate me and take me like it did my sister thats all i can do now i was like to have 2 people most dont even get that and i dont except 3rd person to come into my life soon enough to have me from destroying whats left and its not much and i truefully i probably dont even have do anything but let the wall crumble and fall on me now i realized i signed my death warrent i literally sign my life away to death is all thats left now i know that its morbid but its where i am now at the road my sister was at when she killed herself and as of now theres only one road i see now and only one ending thats now my option and time to choose to die now and get it over with and not drag it out or wait for death from poor health and never leaving my apt again and dying of interal pain which could take a while and cause not only myself pain but my family from dragging out the inevitable of my death i know you think i am being dramatic or over reacting but i cant change and i wont get better i will just get worse and not having closer is going to cause me nothing but pain and i cant even try to do this anymore i been like this for my whole life and i in pain for most of it and the truth is justin was my last hope and chance and i burned it i guess maybe i really wanted death more than i thought or maybe its what i need for peace inside myself i never wanted to hurt those i did but i thought i was saving them from me and my pain i did try with justin but i guess it was to much for me and i would have probably caused more pain in the end then what i did so far but i should have saw that when he hadnt left me after everything we been through i should have known then that i needed to change to be happy with him and i should have tried to change the big problems i had or at least tried to instead of avoiding my deep issues that were my ultimate down fall of myself and my failure at happiness and an ever after i wanted in life i only blame myself for that and that alone is enough to to end it all and enough for me to realize i am losing this battle and i am never going win now i will lose in the end but i can at least spare the pain of dragging it out for my family its the only reason i was able to find closer with Racheal i understood she killed herself for peace not just for herself but for us because her pain would have gotten worse and would have finally spread to us and her pain we would see and feel and no one should experience that is they have not had it themselves before its a despair kind of pain that would have damaged the family and thats why we do isolate to keep that to ourselves to hide what may hurt those we love most and to in some way our death brings them peace of the our pain and even though it hurts them at first after time passes they see that we are not hurting and our pain is not causing them pain anymore we are not depending on them and we are not hurting them by having meltdowns and not knowing reality v.s. our own world inside our heads and that we are not dragging them through tests and medications and doing things that we are not aware of doing and they dont suffer from feeling helpless to help us and scared of us hurting ourselves or others in some cases. i know one day my mind will go into a place thats not reality and will cause pain and heartbreak to those i love and i dont want that my sister knew that and she did what she felt was right and its how i feel i feel its right to spare them of losing myself so to speak because thats what happens i will eventually lose myself and Racheal was already on her way to losing herself and reality and i am already starting to lose reality and my mind is sometimes not here and i cant stop that and medication cant fix it and my deep issues are probably the root but those roots are to deep now and frankly my world in my mind is not always great sometimes its scares the crap out of me and i can only tell myself its not real for so long and honestly justin would have saved me from going so fast and would have been able to help me stay in reality longer gave me a reason to anyways and now i dont have a reason to fight the delusions and sometimes those hallucinations are comforting to me the ones that dont scare me but i dont think those last forever and i scared that the ones that do scare me will eventually take over and thats not something i can do alone and its not something i could ask anyone to help me with who doesnt know me like they should and know when to do something i am crazy in some sense but i am not stupid and i dont trust easily and the only persons i do trust one is dead and the other i lost and i dont even trust my mother witch is sad and its because she lied to me and doesnt know to be supportive in a way that is good for me without being judgmental and pushy into doing things her way because trust me she still trying to push me in a career i dont want and to stay in a marriage i am not happy in so yeah i dont trust her judgement to do whats best for me and everyone else couldnt even tell you i am left handed witch is sad to say in my mind so closer we need in life and in some cases more than ever and sometimes people like me are meant to die by suicide in some cases where theres no one left to give us a reason or a purpose to fight and that even though suicide is said to be wrong is it really wrong if the alternative is worse than death its self and to want peace for our family and those you love and for yourself because i dont think its wrong in my eyes if theres nothing left but pain and you know that suffering is all that is left why drag it out i am sure everyone has a different case but my sister and myself know where this leads and i ve seen those who lived until old age but their life after losing complete touch with reality and being on medication to keep them from hallucinating dont leave full lives and often are a burned to family and sometimes dont remember themselves or anyone and live life to only be breathing to a certain extent they my be alive but their not living not thats not where i want to be ever i never want experience a moment where i dont know myself or anyone i love and i dont want to be a burned on my family and depend on them to make sure my medication is working or be in put in hospital because i am a handful i want to remember and i want to die knowing who i am and knowing that my family was spared of seeing me in pain and not seeing me lose my mind because that i cant live with my sister knew she was hurting us by not being able to keep plans because her mind was lost so to speak or canceling because she couldnt separate reality from non-reality she didnt let anyone see her when she knew she was losing herself and her mind to a mental illness and thats hard and its hard to hide yourself from those you love and isolation is our way of doing that even though in reality its what is killing us i know that now but i guess its little late for me too and i wish i knew what i know i now or at least not avoid as long as i did and deinal what i knew because i knew but i didnt want admitte it i just avoided it but that made it worse as you see and now i am left with this mess that is my life and my despair i caused myself to have and i only want to make it stop now and gi only need to deciede how and when and if i am going to finally do what i want more now than ever and its a hard thing to do and a hard choice to make but i put myself here and i have to make a choice and i will let you know i guess and sorry its long but i have to get it out and share with someone other than myself and hopefully prevent someone else and make them realize what they know and stop avoiding it and help them not end up where i am now because its hard and its painful

well where to being. justin walked back into my life not sure if its a good thing considering its only been a few weeks since he changed his number and said he was done with me. i also got hugh today with him and Red who is the new addict in my life. i am not sure if i can contiue to to do this to myself, i hate myself and i hate my life. i cant seem to find away to be happy or to stop inflicting pain on myself. i am addict and i purposely destory myself. its like when i know i am doing wrong or i let someone in i have to punish myself. i dont devserve much and i am not sure i can say that i even want anything out of life anymore. we are yall just waiting to die and for me i dont have anything to look foward to other than death. i get tried of people hurting me and hurting myself but i feel like its what i deserve. i so depressed and i am tweaking and i hate it so much. i love justin i do but i also know that shit gets crazy when we are together. i also know he probably doesnt feel the same. i think being alone is what will happen isolation is best and pretty much gaurenteed for me. why bother letting anyone noe i am 25 and the games and everything else is not worth it to me. i already feel worthless and i hate myself so i dont see the point in letting others feel the same about me. i just wish i could wake up from the nightmare that is my life cause its killing me one day at a time.

ok so i will admit i am drunk no lie. i dont write as much cuz i been clean of meth for about 3 weeks. i think about using all the time i cant stop my addiction and i completely broke it off with Justin who was my roomie and the guy who got me hooked on meth. i havent seen my dad in almost a year. my marriage is still falling apart. my family still clueless to almost everything. suicidal more than ever. what else can i say my life is a mess even if it seems on the outside i got it together i am dying on then inside. i loved justin but he apparently didnt feel the same. i am on the rebound and well shit keeps getting worse it seems. i start school in jan and thats a good start but i have no idea how my anexiety will hold up. everyday is a struggle now and more confusing than the last. i have a bad feeling that the end is near and not to due to me. if justin keeps using like he has been he will kill me no matter what. i cant count on god to save me like he has been. Racheal i cant get her out of my head last couple of days she keeps alive some how i feel like if it wasnt for her son i  would have shot myself in the face along time ago. Oding is poitnless tried so many times i ve given up hope on it ever working. my addiction to meth haunts me everyday but some how i manage not to use. achole at this point drives me to stay here numbs the shit i dont wanna feel anymore. common with borderline personality disorder is addictions and lose of life. i am almost 25 and shit haunts me more today than then they did yesterday. thing r getting worse no meds for almost 6 months n i am continuing on a down hill spiral as my sister did i dont know where to go or what to do anymore i am just going with the flow at this point. why try and stop what i cant? i get tried of fighting and really why fight what is probably meant to be kicking and screaming on the way down only hurts me and my family. its killing me this life is making me lose hope in myself and in mankind so why bother. maybe i am just drunk or maybe i am right who knows at this point i dont care anymore.

so after just letting myself completely no longer  hiding on facebook all my friends now know and now i have no reason to continue to avoid people to the extreme i have been. i have decieded to share my journey on facebook to all who know me without fear of judgement. i know real friends will continue to support and be there for me and if my friend number drops then thats ok. i dont need fake friends and i should not have to hide anymore. i let fear get in my way of getting better and improving my life as a whole and if i didnt change that i would eventually kill myself. my life should be all i can make it and if i wanna change the world away me i must share everything to do that. no one should feel alone and because will live in a society were being judged and being a certain way has maded us feel like we are different and we are freaks so to speak. we are not freaks and we are not the different then most people we just learn as people that talking about the unpleasent or things that will make us outcast we should keep to ourselves. its slowly starting to become a problem and we were wrong for not talking and for hiding. society as whole must change and i hope my facebook will change a few people and will help those who are living with fear to come out and speak. you know facebook has power and we can either use it to help us or let it destroy us. i dont wanna hide anymore and if i continue it will kill me and i know people who do the same are not really living life and that its sad to think people not really living and hiding in fear. mental illness is nothing that we should hide and is something we should talk about freely and openly. mental illness not only affects the person but also those people around them wether or not they are hiding. i just cant stand by and let another person kill themselves because i couldnt come out and i know the more i talk about it and share with anyone who will lesten the better chance there is that things will change. i know that its hard and its easier said than done but i ripping it off like a band aid helped me. my facebook i am not hiding there anymore and soon i wont continue to hide in person either. i know blogging has helped many people express themselves without fear and now i am just taking it to the next level cause its for the best i hope some yall will do the same. if not i know blogging will always be there i will let yall know the journey cause this is the beginng i want to go worldwide and one day speak in front others changing the world by changing myself will help others and i owe alot and the only thing i can give is myself.

i know i am crazy sometimes and my mood can be erractic and irrational! so what i have borderline personality disorder and i am doing the best i can with what i have!!! i am done hiding and i am done with not being open and honest to my friends and some family. i have to start making people aware and if i do my excuses for not doing anything or hiding out will not be justified. i have just proclaim that i have Borderline Personality Disorder on my facebook to let everyone know and if they dont like it i told them to unfriend me. to start changing society’e stigma on mental illness i have to start with myself if i am open and honest i hope others will follow. it always starts with one somewhere and if we start talking someone will listen. i know no everyone will but the more its talked about the more likely that the younger generation will feel comfortable  opening up when they are depressed. i dont care who you are we all human and eventually we will grow into inderstanding. i have dealt with so many highs and lows of BPD and most of them i did alone and each time it gets harder emitional and physchaily warn out. i can no longer hide i wil not be afriad to let poeple know anymore we all need support rather be online or in life. real friends will stick by you and others will leave for the ones who leave you really didnt need them anyways. i am cleansing myself of anyone who doesnt want to be open and doesnt want to help i dont need close minded people in my life. i dont know who will read this but if you choose to no longer hide from family and friends; tell me about it share your story and feel free to share mine!! it only takes one to lead and i hope many many will follow and stand up and tell the world dont be afriad. I AM NIKKI PENSON AND I HAVE BPRDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER AND ANXIETY!!! IF YOU DONT LIKE IT GET OVER IT!!