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The holidays I know is tough for everyone but for me its probably the hardest time of year for me. Being very depressed and a addict I feel like locking myself in my room and not coming out until the new year. Its not hard for me to be distant in fact I am very unattach to anyone. I have distanced myself for so long from everyone that going without speaking or seeing them for long amounts of time is easy for me. I could never be around my nieces and nephews like this its not right to expose them to my lack of apathy and the drugs. I love my family and until I can be clean and off drugs and in a better mental state I know staying away is the best thing I can do. I dont know if I will ever be able to get clean and honestly I ve been distant from everyone for has long as I can remember. I ve never was a happy child and as an adult its gotten worse. Content is the only thing I look for in life and even the thought of have a partner in my life I could care less. I almost rather be alone or dead then have to try and be close to anyone.

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i am a nobody to anyone and a nobody to everyone. i will never be loved or cared by anyone cause i am an addict a drunk and crazy as shit

well where to being. justin walked back into my life not sure if its a good thing considering its only been a few weeks since he changed his number and said he was done with me. i also got hugh today with him and Red who is the new addict in my life. i am not sure if i can contiue to to do this to myself, i hate myself and i hate my life. i cant seem to find away to be happy or to stop inflicting pain on myself. i am addict and i purposely destory myself. its like when i know i am doing wrong or i let someone in i have to punish myself. i dont devserve much and i am not sure i can say that i even want anything out of life anymore. we are yall just waiting to die and for me i dont have anything to look foward to other than death. i get tried of people hurting me and hurting myself but i feel like its what i deserve. i so depressed and i am tweaking and i hate it so much. i love justin i do but i also know that shit gets crazy when we are together. i also know he probably doesnt feel the same. i think being alone is what will happen isolation is best and pretty much gaurenteed for me. why bother letting anyone noe i am 25 and the games and everything else is not worth it to me. i already feel worthless and i hate myself so i dont see the point in letting others feel the same about me. i just wish i could wake up from the nightmare that is my life cause its killing me one day at a time.

Ok so I posted 2 times earlier both real short and honestly cause I am high but there are things that need to get out. I mean since my sister died I ve had ectopic prego and lost my right tube, my husband left me, I got hooked on meth, I meet my dad for the first time and now I am trying to go back to school and get my life back. Its hard and I am struggling to make it through each day. To be honest I am still as lost as I was 2 yrs ago and I feel more alone since justin is no longer in my life. He may have got me on drugs and our relationship was crazy but he saw me for me and stayed. I may never find anyone else who will want me this way I am damaged goods. You know I dont know anymore than anyone else and what I thought I knew it wasnt what it seemed to be. I miss my sister greatly I wish she was still here but I cant change it and not having justin now I am alone. I dont think I can let anyone see me the way they did and it may hurt me in some way but I just cant do it anymore. I dont wanna hide but I feel like I dont have a choice anymore. I know if I cant get my life together myself then I am screwed. At this point my walls are up for the long haul now and I rather be alone then do this again. I love justin and my sister understood and my odds of finding someone else who gets it is slim to none. I am not sure if I will ever heal or be able to get this right but as long as I am kinda sane and alive then I have to try. I am sure my sanity will run out before I die and well when that happens there is not much I will be able to do. Reality is already a blur for me and focusing on what is real has not mattered to much to me lately. I gotta try harder I know to keep from getting lost in my head. I am not sure if the drugs have affect on that but hopefully once I can stay clean then maybe things will be more clear. Its a never ending war here and I def feel like I am losing most of the time. I am jacked up I know it but I only have myself to blame and well only I can try and fix it. I will never be cured I will always have work at it and its sad to say I get tried of fighting it. My mind is exhausted and emitionally draining. My disorder will get worse as I get older and I am doing it alone right now. I dont want this to kill me but I know the odds of suicide are much higher now and I also know that I rather die before I let it take over me to the point I dont know who or where I am. I am already bordering schizo and that scares me more than death. All I can do is try to have a better life and to live one day at a time cause I dont know what the future holds for me. I just want a normal life but I know thats not going to happen for me. Time will tell soon and all I can do is hold on to what I do have and hope for the best cause I am just along for the ride now.

So since its the 2 yr of my sisters death and having depression BPD and severe anxiety I feel like I used more drugs today than normal. It sucks I feel so alone today and to be honest I dont know how I made it this far without her. Maybe its the drugs or idk but I am still here. I been high for days this week cause I cant deal with shit. I hate being this way and I hate what I ve become here lately.

So its been 2 years since my sister died and to be honest I wish I was in a better place in my life but I am not. I found another addict to hang with so now a have a new supplier to get my drug. Not gonna lie been high for a few days nows. This week is hard for me my sister is ony mind alot and well I am just not sure about things. I got accepted into college and I will be attending next month. I am gonna try and stay clean but its hard. I just hope I dont mess this up like everything else in my life. Going back to school gives me hope that things will get better. I just still cant believe its been 2yrs since her death I sometimes forget that she is gone but I know she will always be with me.

ok so i will admit i am drunk no lie. i dont write as much cuz i been clean of meth for about 3 weeks. i think about using all the time i cant stop my addiction and i completely broke it off with Justin who was my roomie and the guy who got me hooked on meth. i havent seen my dad in almost a year. my marriage is still falling apart. my family still clueless to almost everything. suicidal more than ever. what else can i say my life is a mess even if it seems on the outside i got it together i am dying on then inside. i loved justin but he apparently didnt feel the same. i am on the rebound and well shit keeps getting worse it seems. i start school in jan and thats a good start but i have no idea how my anexiety will hold up. everyday is a struggle now and more confusing than the last. i have a bad feeling that the end is near and not to due to me. if justin keeps using like he has been he will kill me no matter what. i cant count on god to save me like he has been. Racheal i cant get her out of my head last couple of days she keeps alive some how i feel like if it wasnt for her son i  would have shot myself in the face along time ago. Oding is poitnless tried so many times i ve given up hope on it ever working. my addiction to meth haunts me everyday but some how i manage not to use. achole at this point drives me to stay here numbs the shit i dont wanna feel anymore. common with borderline personality disorder is addictions and lose of life. i am almost 25 and shit haunts me more today than then they did yesterday. thing r getting worse no meds for almost 6 months n i am continuing on a down hill spiral as my sister did i dont know where to go or what to do anymore i am just going with the flow at this point. why try and stop what i cant? i get tried of fighting and really why fight what is probably meant to be kicking and screaming on the way down only hurts me and my family. its killing me this life is making me lose hope in myself and in mankind so why bother. maybe i am just drunk or maybe i am right who knows at this point i dont care anymore.

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so i did 10 days inpatients for my meth use, cutting , and suicide thoughts. i got out yesterday afternoon and during my time inpatient if any of yall have been to a place like this you already know what goes on. we have group therapy sessions all day they put on meds if u got off or atleast regulate. me i had been off my meds and not taking them properly but i got all kinds of good stuff now. they put me on lexapro,abilify,clonazepam, prazosin,and trazodone; most of these you already know what they are fro depression anxiety and nightmare with trouble sleeping. while i was in i had to go to AA and NA for my addiction problems. as many of yall know boderline personality disorder one of  the syptoms is addictivesness and implusivness and with the excessive need to do it alot. this journey has lead me from trying to find a way to continue to be close to my sister and find her in way that i could know why and who she became when she died to me finding more about myself and what i need to do to get better and have a better life. my sisters death consumed me and i lost myself along the way but going inpatient i focused on myself and realized i was dying and killing myself slowly. with all that being said i have decieded to spend two weeks with soon to be ex husband to clear and finalize everything so i can move on from that and to find another inpatient place that specializes in BPD and do so intense therepy some may not agree but i have to do this and i want too. i am ready for a change those goods days i lived for i want them back and i want to be able to be there for my family. i will fill yall in the next two weeks on everything and when i go back to inpatient i will let yall know this past time was a short notice and emergancy but this next one is my choice and is planned i cant say i will ever be 100% better but anything is better than where i am now. i feel good and for the first time in a long time i have hope and its good.

so after just letting myself completely no longer  hiding on facebook all my friends now know and now i have no reason to continue to avoid people to the extreme i have been. i have decieded to share my journey on facebook to all who know me without fear of judgement. i know real friends will continue to support and be there for me and if my friend number drops then thats ok. i dont need fake friends and i should not have to hide anymore. i let fear get in my way of getting better and improving my life as a whole and if i didnt change that i would eventually kill myself. my life should be all i can make it and if i wanna change the world away me i must share everything to do that. no one should feel alone and because will live in a society were being judged and being a certain way has maded us feel like we are different and we are freaks so to speak. we are not freaks and we are not the different then most people we just learn as people that talking about the unpleasent or things that will make us outcast we should keep to ourselves. its slowly starting to become a problem and we were wrong for not talking and for hiding. society as whole must change and i hope my facebook will change a few people and will help those who are living with fear to come out and speak. you know facebook has power and we can either use it to help us or let it destroy us. i dont wanna hide anymore and if i continue it will kill me and i know people who do the same are not really living life and that its sad to think people not really living and hiding in fear. mental illness is nothing that we should hide and is something we should talk about freely and openly. mental illness not only affects the person but also those people around them wether or not they are hiding. i just cant stand by and let another person kill themselves because i couldnt come out and i know the more i talk about it and share with anyone who will lesten the better chance there is that things will change. i know that its hard and its easier said than done but i ripping it off like a band aid helped me. my facebook i am not hiding there anymore and soon i wont continue to hide in person either. i know blogging has helped many people express themselves without fear and now i am just taking it to the next level cause its for the best i hope some yall will do the same. if not i know blogging will always be there i will let yall know the journey cause this is the beginng i want to go worldwide and one day speak in front others changing the world by changing myself will help others and i owe alot and the only thing i can give is myself.