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Monthly Archives: May 2013

sometimes we hide ourselves from other people for so long that we end up forgetting parts of ourselves and start believing in the lie, but why are we hiding? why lose parts of ourselves to lies and games? for once i don’t wanna hide or play anymore, for once i am going to accept myself the way i am and stop lying to not only to myself but to others. i know growing up we are taught to accept people the way they are but judgment is often passed and sometimes without even realizing it and sometimes our own judgement to ourselves is much worse then those around us. its hard to accept yourself when others cant accept you and we start hiding and lying not only to ourselves but to those around us. others will always believe the lie if we don’t share the truth but eventually we too believe the lies and lose part of ourselves to it. when we can no longer hide or we finally accept ourselves then we can start living being ourselves without fear. we must remember other people’s opinion on us is not as important as our opinion of ourselves and how we feel about ourselves. we tend to change who we are to fit other’s ideas and we are often taught that not fitting in or not being socially acceptable is more important than accepting ourselves. acceptance starts with ourselves and when we do that we are able to accept others the way the are without judgement. i know for myself i have been in hiding my whole life because i am different and fear kept me from knowing myself and from other knowing me. people only know the person i showed and gave them and honestly most of the time that person was fake and she doesn’t exist. i realized today if i died no one in my life would really know who i am and the person i am would forever be a secret that died with me and i to think of people remembering me as someone i am not as the fake me just made me sad. i realized if i don’t change then i cant expect others to change either and hiding myself was me killing myself. i accept who i am but i have to try harder to show myself to others and to not fear because they don’t have to live in my head and with myself i do. their acceptance and approval used to be important to and i realized as i got older that my own approval was worth more than everyone else’s in the world. i have to remember that we are all different for a reason and we shouldn’t have to hide or change ourselves to fit others ever. remember you cant accept acceptance from others if you can’t accept yourself and you can’t accept others either until then the change has to start with you not other people.

lets catch up i ended in Arkansa for week high and off my rocker. Cut myself up pretty bad and then after coming down went to Virginia Beach where i went into hospital for a week for manic episode. i stopped talking to Justin for over month although i am still in love with him and i am severely depressed and wish i was dead. i am not i am still here and alone. i been staying on my medication for sometime now and i have to say i rather flush them down the toilet. i am still getting high on meth so that does not help but meth is a hard drug to kick. i finally broke down and called justin tonight only because i needed to someone who understands to talk to. surprisingly he listen and we had good conversation not sure if i will ever get back with him but i know for now i cant be with anyone. i hate feeling alone and scared it makes me feel like a child when i am grown. i plan on going to savannah in few weeks maybe stay there for a while who knows not really making any plans but i need to get away and try and make it on my own. if i cant i will surely end up in a long facility put there by my family who cant deal with me. something has to give and either i am gonna die by killing myself or i am gonna figure this crap out and have some life or happiness in my life. where i am going i dont know but somewhere has to be better than here.