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Monthly Archives: December 2012

The holidays I know is tough for everyone but for me its probably the hardest time of year for me. Being very depressed and a addict I feel like locking myself in my room and not coming out until the new year. Its not hard for me to be distant in fact I am very unattach to anyone. I have distanced myself for so long from everyone that going without speaking or seeing them for long amounts of time is easy for me. I could never be around my nieces and nephews like this its not right to expose them to my lack of apathy and the drugs. I love my family and until I can be clean and off drugs and in a better mental state I know staying away is the best thing I can do. I dont know if I will ever be able to get clean and honestly I ve been distant from everyone for has long as I can remember. I ve never was a happy child and as an adult its gotten worse. Content is the only thing I look for in life and even the thought of have a partner in my life I could care less. I almost rather be alone or dead then have to try and be close to anyone.

i am a nobody to anyone and a nobody to everyone. i will never be loved or cared by anyone cause i am an addict a drunk and crazy as shit

well where to being. justin walked back into my life not sure if its a good thing considering its only been a few weeks since he changed his number and said he was done with me. i also got hugh today with him and Red who is the new addict in my life. i am not sure if i can contiue to to do this to myself, i hate myself and i hate my life. i cant seem to find away to be happy or to stop inflicting pain on myself. i am addict and i purposely destory myself. its like when i know i am doing wrong or i let someone in i have to punish myself. i dont devserve much and i am not sure i can say that i even want anything out of life anymore. we are yall just waiting to die and for me i dont have anything to look foward to other than death. i get tried of people hurting me and hurting myself but i feel like its what i deserve. i so depressed and i am tweaking and i hate it so much. i love justin i do but i also know that shit gets crazy when we are together. i also know he probably doesnt feel the same. i think being alone is what will happen isolation is best and pretty much gaurenteed for me. why bother letting anyone noe i am 25 and the games and everything else is not worth it to me. i already feel worthless and i hate myself so i dont see the point in letting others feel the same about me. i just wish i could wake up from the nightmare that is my life cause its killing me one day at a time.

Ok so I posted 2 times earlier both real short and honestly cause I am high but there are things that need to get out. I mean since my sister died I ve had ectopic prego and lost my right tube, my husband left me, I got hooked on meth, I meet my dad for the first time and now I am trying to go back to school and get my life back. Its hard and I am struggling to make it through each day. To be honest I am still as lost as I was 2 yrs ago and I feel more alone since justin is no longer in my life. He may have got me on drugs and our relationship was crazy but he saw me for me and stayed. I may never find anyone else who will want me this way I am damaged goods. You know I dont know anymore than anyone else and what I thought I knew it wasnt what it seemed to be. I miss my sister greatly I wish she was still here but I cant change it and not having justin now I am alone. I dont think I can let anyone see me the way they did and it may hurt me in some way but I just cant do it anymore. I dont wanna hide but I feel like I dont have a choice anymore. I know if I cant get my life together myself then I am screwed. At this point my walls are up for the long haul now and I rather be alone then do this again. I love justin and my sister understood and my odds of finding someone else who gets it is slim to none. I am not sure if I will ever heal or be able to get this right but as long as I am kinda sane and alive then I have to try. I am sure my sanity will run out before I die and well when that happens there is not much I will be able to do. Reality is already a blur for me and focusing on what is real has not mattered to much to me lately. I gotta try harder I know to keep from getting lost in my head. I am not sure if the drugs have affect on that but hopefully once I can stay clean then maybe things will be more clear. Its a never ending war here and I def feel like I am losing most of the time. I am jacked up I know it but I only have myself to blame and well only I can try and fix it. I will never be cured I will always have work at it and its sad to say I get tried of fighting it. My mind is exhausted and emitionally draining. My disorder will get worse as I get older and I am doing it alone right now. I dont want this to kill me but I know the odds of suicide are much higher now and I also know that I rather die before I let it take over me to the point I dont know who or where I am. I am already bordering schizo and that scares me more than death. All I can do is try to have a better life and to live one day at a time cause I dont know what the future holds for me. I just want a normal life but I know thats not going to happen for me. Time will tell soon and all I can do is hold on to what I do have and hope for the best cause I am just along for the ride now.

So since its the 2 yr of my sisters death and having depression BPD and severe anxiety I feel like I used more drugs today than normal. It sucks I feel so alone today and to be honest I dont know how I made it this far without her. Maybe its the drugs or idk but I am still here. I been high for days this week cause I cant deal with shit. I hate being this way and I hate what I ve become here lately.

So its been 2 years since my sister died and to be honest I wish I was in a better place in my life but I am not. I found another addict to hang with so now a have a new supplier to get my drug. Not gonna lie been high for a few days nows. This week is hard for me my sister is ony mind alot and well I am just not sure about things. I got accepted into college and I will be attending next month. I am gonna try and stay clean but its hard. I just hope I dont mess this up like everything else in my life. Going back to school gives me hope that things will get better. I just still cant believe its been 2yrs since her death I sometimes forget that she is gone but I know she will always be with me.