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Monthly Archives: May 2012

so after just letting myself completely no longer  hiding on facebook all my friends now know and now i have no reason to continue to avoid people to the extreme i have been. i have decieded to share my journey on facebook to all who know me without fear of judgement. i know real friends will continue to support and be there for me and if my friend number drops then thats ok. i dont need fake friends and i should not have to hide anymore. i let fear get in my way of getting better and improving my life as a whole and if i didnt change that i would eventually kill myself. my life should be all i can make it and if i wanna change the world away me i must share everything to do that. no one should feel alone and because will live in a society were being judged and being a certain way has maded us feel like we are different and we are freaks so to speak. we are not freaks and we are not the different then most people we just learn as people that talking about the unpleasent or things that will make us outcast we should keep to ourselves. its slowly starting to become a problem and we were wrong for not talking and for hiding. society as whole must change and i hope my facebook will change a few people and will help those who are living with fear to come out and speak. you know facebook has power and we can either use it to help us or let it destroy us. i dont wanna hide anymore and if i continue it will kill me and i know people who do the same are not really living life and that its sad to think people not really living and hiding in fear. mental illness is nothing that we should hide and is something we should talk about freely and openly. mental illness not only affects the person but also those people around them wether or not they are hiding. i just cant stand by and let another person kill themselves because i couldnt come out and i know the more i talk about it and share with anyone who will lesten the better chance there is that things will change. i know that its hard and its easier said than done but i ripping it off like a band aid helped me. my facebook i am not hiding there anymore and soon i wont continue to hide in person either. i know blogging has helped many people express themselves without fear and now i am just taking it to the next level cause its for the best i hope some yall will do the same. if not i know blogging will always be there i will let yall know the journey cause this is the beginng i want to go worldwide and one day speak in front others changing the world by changing myself will help others and i owe alot and the only thing i can give is myself.

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So if have been following or your new I would like to extend myself. I know that sometimes we really need to talk to someone who understands and those people are hard to come by in life. So I am offering anyone who wants talk or needs advice or whatever feel free to email me. All I ask in return is you do the same for me. We all need support and no matter where we are in the world we can help each other through anything. I am not good at keeping in touch with people and this will help me and we can to talk whens bad we talk whens good too. I know that when my sister died I lost my main support and that I do have my dad and them but I miss having someone who understood. So I am just taking that step and letting yall know I am here for whatever you need cause friends we could yall use more of. Just that you can always speak freely with me and I will always be honest to you. You can tell me as little or as much as you want I know that the support you have the less likely you are to relaspes. I was saved for a reason and I want to give it back and return what I have gotten cause I felt so alone and that second attemp was not far from me when my sister stepped in she changed me and for once I didnt feel alone and that for the longest she was my only support. Having one support is not enough and I know helpimg each other we will help ourselves. So thats yall I got I hope that this takes off cause we are stronger together.

So I have shared more with yall then with my family because here I am not being judged. I can no longer live in fear of being misunderstood to change I have to step out of hiding and I did. I posted on facebook somethings I finally needed to share and I spoke out against the fear of judgment. No one should live in fear we should all be able to speak freely when have hit bottom when those bad days are here. Suicide shouldnt happen because they were scared to speak up. In reality we all need someone just listen not understand but to hear us and show support. No one should handle mental disorder alone and no one should be afraid to just say hey I have a problem and need help. I will always listen to others and give advice if I can. We should reach out and support each other and reach out to those who matter most to you because you shouldnt have to hide from them. Your real friends will stick by you and by having a support system you can speak freely to will go a long way in your life and u never know one of your friends might be going through similar things. We as people need to help each other and by taking a step and by saying I wanna help change the world we can do it. We can stop the judment and we can have a society that is open to talking about those hard things in life and we can drop suicide rates by making this change. This is my way of making a difference and always promising to keep an open ear for anyone in need. Changing the world takes time but it only takes one to encourage others to follow. Follow my lead make a difference and lets touch and help someone in need of a friend. I want to change and make a difference. Are ready to do the same?

so i know my journey has been a very long one and i have only shared just a glimspe of my life with yall. i know that the battle never really ends and i know that the struggles i continue to face will change me forever. i dont except alot in life and in fact i just hope that when i die its quick and painless. my sister has managed to get me only so far in life with all that she shared with me. i know that my blog my not be the greatest and in fact i am sure its probabley the craziest but thats ok. i used to feel so alone in life and i never thought anyone else felt like i did until my sister and now to be honest i feel alone even more now that she is gone. the only person i had to lean on and was opened about everything is gone and i have been struggling alot more since then. all that matters to me know is that by me sharing a part of myself i hide from everyone in my life and to share it to the world and to complete strangers is hard. i just dont want what i have been through to be a waste and i dont want it to continue to be a secert from anyone anymore. if i help one person feel like they are not alone and if one person is saved because they are able to learn from my mistakes then its worth all the pain and struggles i have been through. no matter what you do though life will never be normal with any mental disorders and life will always be a challenge and that because we fight for those good days we enjoy the little things alot more than people who dont have to work for it. you may make mistakes and you may fall to a point of what seems like you just cant get up but know that you can and try to learn and change it. life is all about to change and for us even the little things can effect us in a huge way. i all i want is to be able to leave something behind in this world that changes it forever. my experiences is one of millions of other people who go through this but i know by trying to share myself at least there is be people out there who have seen me for all i am and to know i am not hiding here. i never wanted anything more in life but to show myself completely but because i let fear get in the way its become almost impossible for me now. i dont think we should have to hide any part of ourselves i think we should stand up and say what we feel and to show ourselves without fear. if anyone who reads this i challenge you to make a change to not be afraid and to open yourself to someone you love. if you have a problem say something if your have trouble couping tell someone anyone. by just saying something you have taken the first step into opening up and i know its easier said than done but by doing it now and not waiting you have decreased you chances of comitting suicide each time you talk about things you feel are to hard to share your one step closer to having less bad days. the only person who can truely help you over come obsticals of your mental disorder is you only you can prevent things getting to the point of no return only you can make that first step. in honesty it doesnt matter who you talk to as long as you are talking about things and getting everything out you are helping yourself in a huge way and the more you talk the easier it gets. opening yourself up is hard to do when you feel like your alone and no one will understand but the truth is there are a lot of people who struggle with the same things and even if the person your talking to doesnt understand just having someone listen makes all the difference. they say that one person can change the world and i hope by sharing myself to the fullest i have changed someone and that they can help change someone. i am sharing all that i have learned and continue to learn in hopes to help others avoid some pain that i went through because there is no point in letting someone learn with trail and era if they can learn from mine. life is all about living learning and sharing what you know to help change the world for the better. i want to change the world for the better but the truth is i can barely leave my room so all i can do is share what i do know.  all that matters is that i have done what i can and even if my journey ends soon i know that at least i was for once able to be myself completely even if it was just in a blog i am ok with that. there really is not that much in life that i want at this point but i do want to make a difference and not destroy or hurt anyone but to help and guide others to a better way of dealing and living with a mental disorder because its to hard relate to anyone or even try to connect with someone. i dont want my pain and all i been through to be a waste it has to be worth something to someone other than me. i know everything i have said is easier to say than do but as long as you try i cant ask for anything more and to just keep trying because those goods are worth it i promise. with that i will leave you to take it all in and really take it to heart what i have said because life is to short to just let it pass you by and not making a change sooner you will regret i promise you because you cant get the time you lost back so do it for yourself only you can make yourself happy.

self worth has everything to do with how you treat yourself and how you live your life. my self worth has always been low cause i never felt like i was good enough or that i really deserved to have anything. i constantly failed at so much and it seemed like no matter how hard i tried it never was enough. i always did what my mom asked and i tried so hard to make her happy that i never really did anything for myself. all the classes that i took and the jobs that i worked i never did for myself but for her. i never wanted to disappoint her and every suggestion she made i tried. she even got me to try and be in the medical field even though it wasnt nursing like she wanted i at least tried to go for Rad Tech. In all honesty i hate hospitals and i hate the idea of being responsible for another life besides my own. the time i wasted in trying to do what she wanted i manage to never find my self worth and i manage to fail that much more. i always felt like a failure cause i manage to never succeed at the things i went out for cause they were not important to me and in return i disappointed my mom and it made me feel that much worse about myself. i know in high school i wanted to take art class but my mom felt it would benifit me more if i took extra math classes cause i was really good at math. i know she hated that i took german as my forgien language but i at least i fought her on that. i never wanted to be a nurse or even work in the medical fleid. i just never expressed to her what i wanted and its cause of that i didnt make alot of my own choices. the only thing i did do for me was marry my husband but because i had no self worth i believed i didnt deserve him and cause i hated myself so much i managed to ruin my marriage and destroy everything i had and ever wanted in life. i lost him forever and i hate myself that much more. since i lost him i have at this point just continue to destroy what is left of myself. the person i was and wanted to be is gone and the only thing left of me is ever self hating thing i have about myself. i let myself bottle everything i didnt know how to deal with and ever bad feeling i had about myself to the point it finally came out in a self destructive manner i lost everything. i have always been self destrucitive and manage to keep everyone at a distance or completely cut them out to where now the only thing left is me. i wanted to open up to my husband so bad but i felt cause i hated this part of me i thought he would hate me too. so instead of just admitting i had a problem i let it get so bad it is now killing me. i destroyed everything i wanted and had and now all that is left is this person i never wanted to become. instead of getting help now i have just continue to destroy my body cause thats all i can do. i hate myself so much that everything i have done to myself i am ashamed and i refuse to let anyone see me now. for someone to see what i have become and what i have done to myself is to much for me to bear. i ve been hiding for awhile now and i have isolated myself from the only people left in my life which i my mom, step dad and the rest of my family. i know to cahnge i have to want it for myself and cause i could careless about me i refuse to ask. i have shared all of this with my husband even though we will soon be divorced i owed him the turth about me no matter how bad it is. i know i will never be the same and truthfully i am sure i will continue to go down hill. if things to change and at this point i am not sure if i will ever be able to care about myself enough to get better. i have been fighting myself for so long and i have never dealt with really anything in my life and its all now just coming to the surface and its just becoming to much for me to handle. i made the choice to fight this alone and its cause of that choice i am here and have let everything start to consume me. i dont blame anyone but myself and i take full responsiblity for all of my actions and choices. i have to live with this and the guilt of all of my mistakes and wrong doing. i know i cant change the past and i know nothing i do will ever make things right or better. i do know that because i have let things get to this point i will never be the same and the things i wanted in life are gone. i am alone cause i chose to push everyone away and i continue to hurt myself cause i feel like thats what i deserve. only letting people see me and facing the world and asking for help can save what little is left of me. i am consumed by guilt and hate to the point were i could careless what happens to me. i know this all sounds horrible but i also know that things are only going to get worse and not doing anything has my future uncertain. i have fail to learn the most important thing from my sister Racheal and that is to let people in and to ask for help. she cut herself off from everyone to the point when it got bad she only felt she had one way to stop it all and she did by comitting suicide. i know that my path is similar to hers and i know that my fate is slowly becoming the same as the days go by i can feel her more just waiting for me. i dont know what i will do but i know that if i dont do something soon its going to get to the no return point. i have to either keep fighting and get the feeling of being worth something or i will give up and end this war for gone by killing myself. the war in me will never end but i am on the losing end at this point and i am not sure if i have it in me to continue. i have destroyed so much that without having a reason and not feeling like i am worth saving its hard to just even see another day. suicide is never the answer but if all the good days are gone and i have lost everything including myself and the only thing i seem to do now is hurt everyone cause i cant stop hurting myself then the only way to put it all to a final stop is by killing myself. i know how much worse it can get and i know that by dragging my family along for the ride is not right. i ve made a choice to never get to were my sister was and that i would end it before it got that bad. i dont see me getting better at this point and if i cant come around soon then i will end it permantly its the only thing i can do to stop. if you never been at the bottom and have broken yourself to the point of no return then you wont understand but i know i have fought i good battle this long and i am tired of continuing to fight. i am broken to the point that fixing myself is not possible i think i just done way to much damage and waited to long to let anyone in. as uncartain as to what i will do at this point i have to say that if you have built a wall and kept people out and at a distance you have to change it you have to learn from mine and my sisters mistakes cause eventually it becomes to much and it becomes this. your path may be similar but dont have the same fate dont let things get this bad cause its hard and even though it seems hard to let people in and see you completely for everything you are its better than getting to the point were you hate your self and you destroy everything. i am realizing so much about what i should have done and all the things i wish i could do now but i dont have anything left now i let it consume me to where now i am just bitter and the hate i have for myself comes out and on other people. this is never what i wanted but i cant change it now i just waited to long. i will continue to let yall know what happens and if i my fate is the same or if  i find away to continue to fight. dont feel sorry for me i made my choices that have lead me here i just dont want anyone else to do the same.

we all have choices and some of mine were bad and some were destructive. i am broken and i cant be fixed. i am tried of being scared and i tried of hurting. i hate the person i have become and i dont know how to change. i made my choice to go and if you never been where i am you wouldnt understand but for those who have i have to say i am ok and at peace with my choice to end my journey and i know its for the best. my mental state will only get worse and meds can only do so much. i dont wanna be scared of the world or of people but i know the world can be cruel and mean and i rather just not live in it anymore and save myself and those i love from my pain from my problems. i love my husband very much and i told that i finally for once opened myself up to him and even though it was scary i did it for him n myself. our marriage cant be fixed and since he was the only person in my life who kept me stable for so ling i am afraid without him i cant do it and i know i cant do it alone and i know now i am ready to go. I often hear Racheal call me in my sleep and i know its my time. you may think 24 is a short life but i been through more than what i can handle and i dont wanna do it anymore. i have nothing in my life anymore and i dont have anything to give anymore. i am sorry bloggers but my time is up and dont worry cause i know i will be at peace for once in my life. my husband gave me so good happy memeroies and i love my mom very much but sometimes we have to make a choice we either stay and fight or we give up and die. i fought for to long and i cant do it anymore this fight has made me cold and thats not what i want. I ready to finish my journey and join my sister on the other side. if i should fail again at this i will let yall know but if i succeed then i know it was meant to be and that my life was not a total waste. just remember life is short and you dont have forever to tell the ones that mean most to you that you love them dont let time pass you by and dont put off seeing your love ones you only get one life and should make the most of it. i hope my blog helps someone and i hope that my words live on cause its important to care about others and its important to show kindness and compassion. dont let this cruel world make you cold and remember forgivness is better than staying mad. and just cause you make a bad choice doesnt make you a bad person live learn and grow; dont let world change who you are be true to yourself and stand up for what you believe in you have voice use it. i have to say if i helped one person from this blog from my life then my life wouldnt have been a waste and that i hope there is some good left out there. we all have problems and we all suffer in some way but let it get you down open up to someone anyone even is you think they wont understand and maybe you will find that there are people who have been where you are and when you learn how to deal with it pass it on sure the knowledge help others cause i know it only takes one person to start the change. i hope i have changed some of yall and helped and i know you prob wish you could help me but i dont want the help and i dont want to continue on my fears and my pain i have had for a long time and i have been alone for the most part. i struggled and i survived for this long but i know my battle will never be over and i just cant fight anymore. so good bye bloggers i hope yall spread my words and i hope yall can win yalls battles i know mental disorders are never really won but i know you can live a happy life if try and work for it. life is short live learn grow and share. ❤

so i dont know where to begin so i will start with feeling like a failure at this point. you know when you feel like your whole life is one big failure well thats where i am right now. my life is falling apart and i dont really have anyone i can really talk to without being put somewhere. my depression is beyond me and i havent left my apartment in weeks now. my marriage is falling apart and i cant find a job cause i am to unbalance to even try at this point. i have gone off my meds but its only cause when my divorce goes through i wont be able to afford them and i have literally hit my bottom. i constantly think about my sister and wonder when would be a good time to join her in the after life. i know that suicide is not the answer but its my escape my way out. i doubt i will even attempt suicide again since i have failed at that way to many times to count. i am just ready to give up and be done at this point. its hard to describe how i feel if you have never been there yourself and i cant seem to really conncet with anyone. Racheal seems to be the only one i could really connect with and i def feel completely alone since she died. time is running out i know and i have wasted alot of my life trying to please others i ve really done nothing for myself. unfortunately i dont think i can pick up the pieces anymore and start over. i am so tried and really just cant seem to do anything right. i hate the person i am today and the person i want to be i cant be anymore. i feel like my oppertunity to ever be happy has passed me by and the only thing left to do is lay down and die. i know where my future is headed and its got the same ending and fate as my sister. i know things will only get worse with time and seeing that my sister went down hill so quickly i feel i am going to be the same. i am not sure where i will go from here or what i will do but i will let yall know until then; nothing is certain and everything is already on it set journy whatever happens was meant to happen and when i get there i guess i will know for sure what my fate is.

So I know its been awhile snice I wrote and mainly cause I been really busy trying to find myself, find out who my sister was, getting to know my dad, getting a divorce, and even planing a move soon. so many things have changed and happened since my sister died. I lost apart of myself and I am slowly trying to find myself and where  I want to be. I always pleased other people never really did what i wanted and now I can finally try to move foward with my life. My sister will always be a big part of my life and without her i would not be today and i wish i couldve done the same for her. I know I will always be searching for some piece of her; it might take a life time and i may also never find everything but I will keep looking and trying. My dad has been a big help I never felt more close to a person other than Racheal and it feels good to let him in without fear of judgement. For the first time in along time i feel like i belong and that i am wanted. Even my mom has really stepped up to the plate and has been for me. Its werid just alittle over year ago i felt like an outcast in my moms family and not connected with anyone not even my husband. I am finally dealing with Racheals death and I am free to talk about her without completely breaking down and even though it still hurts i know that someday it wont hurt as bad. I am still having a hard time keeping plans cause i get nervous and axnious and even pariod to go but this is also getting better. I moved out of my friends place and is temporarily living on my own for the first time ever. I do plan to move to savannah soon I feel like its time to take adventure by myself and to see where my sister loved to live at and even do some of the same things she did i ve even applied to SCAD. I know things change and sometimes for the better I just have to remember that even when things seem bad and you dont think they could get any worse; there is always a light at the end of the tunnel even if you cant see it its there waiting for you. I have learned alot and i am still learning but i am not repeating any mistakes and finally i am learning from the ones i made and even sharing my experiences to help others. sometimes people have to make thier own mistakes but if i can help someone from repeating mind and being where i been then its all worth it. My niece she is only 15 and my sister loves her very much but she just now learning from repeating the same mistakes and my niece as grown up to watch my sister go in the same circles and my niece said to me I want more out of life I want better than what my mom has I dont want to make her mistakes cause it was painful to watch her and I never want to be where she has been. My niece has learned what most people learn when they are 30 and when she talks to me she sounds so grown up and I know that she is smart and for once I am not worried about her I know she will make good choices and take my sisters mistakes in as her own.  we talked and I ve even managed to learn things from her and i realized if I would have listen and learned from my mom i prob wouldnt have gone through so much pain and hurt. I know everyone has to sometimes learn from thier own mistakes but some mistakes can destroy a life and for my niece i know she will not make those choices but better choices cause she has seen where it goes and she doesnt want to be there ever. my sister Racheal made alot of mistakes and some where no fault of her own due to her illness and it haunts me to think i might be where she was one day it scares me to think that I will make my dad burry another child and i dont want that I better i want more and the only way to do that is to keep talking and to keep the open line of comication open at all time and to trust that if i have a problem i can confind in my dad or my mom without fear. cause my sister killed herslef cause she scared and she felt like she had no one and its not anyones fault its just people get busy and they forget to call and check up and they forget to so hey i am here anytime you need me day or night cause you cant assume they know this you have to say it and say it more than once  and really let them know someone is here for them with no judgement. My sister Racheal is a statistic of people who kill themselves; she felt alone and felt like she had no one to talk to that would understand , she felt like people would judge her cause she was schizophrenia. Most people who kill themselves never tell anyone before hand and most of them do it cause they fell alone and that people will judge them if they come for help. I was almost a statistic myself  and no one had any idea that anything was wrong. I didnt feel safe and comfortable with talking to anyone growing up and even though my mom had always said you can come to me about anything i also knew my mom was judgemental and has she has gotten older that has passed but cause i know this about her i felt like death was my only way out i was hurting so bad for weeks and no one knew. even after i attempted suicided and failed i felt worse cause everyone knew and i felt ashamed and my mother didnt wanna talk about it i dont think she could and the shrinks they help but at the same time they just wanna line thier pockets. When i saw my sister after that i had no idea she was hurting like me and for some of the same reasons she was like me she felt alone, unwanted, and even unloved. I had always had up a wall between me and everyone else Racheal was the only one i let in and when she died i closed off myself completely. I wanted so bad to be with her I even begged god to take me and end my pain and misery. a big part of that was cause i didnt understand why she left me and then I realized she was my life line and she had helped so many other people like herself but she had buried herself so deep from everyone that no one could help her no ne could save her. She felt cause she was schizophrenia no one would understand and she was so scared of everyone she didnt trust anyone and couldnt confind to anybody. I didnt tak to anyone about her death for 6 months i closed my self off and i felt numb and hurt and dead inside. after so long of keeping it all in i couldnt take it anymore i broke down i was a mess for months and i didnt know what to do. I emailed my dad for the first time after Racheals death and i let everything that had bothered me about him not being there and that i couldnt handle Racheals death alone anymore and just everything. I was a stranger to him he didnt know me but he called me and said i love you know matter what i have always loved you and i am here for you if you need me. When I finally meet him for the first time i told him that I forgave hime for not being there fro me growing up and i know sometimes we make choices we think are right and then end up not being right and mistakes were made and i understood and i know Racheal knew you loved her and that you tried being there for her as much as she would allow and that her death is no ones fault we just have to take in what she taught us and be there for each other now and then i said i love you and even though i felt like i hated you my entire life i know that i was just mad and that i really do love you. He huged me for the first time and said Racheal loved loved me very much and I know she would be proud that you came to be apart of us now and that i know the choice i made was wrong now but i am here for you now and that i ve always been here for you and that I didnt want to rush you into meeting me when you were not ready and i had faith that when you were ready you would come and even though Racheal is not here i know she is with us in spirite. I also told him i was sorry for waiting for so long i made the mistake of not coming sooner cause i was afraid of rejection and when Racheal died i fell apart and i wasnt sure if i could do it without her. Racheal as taught my family alot about just being there for each other even for the small stuff and keeping the line of commication open. even trying alittle harder to make plans to see each other more and to keep them. i know sometimes we get busy and forget but dont forget to talk to those who mean most to you. She helped so many people including me i could never say thanks enough to her. I do know that cause of her for the first time feel like i belong and wanted; she gave this to me she saved me and for that i have found my purpose in life and that is to give back to others what she has given me. to help others know that death is not the only way out and there are people who understand and care.  I hope to save just one person or change someone for the better cause life is to important to let go. we can all love alittle more and care alittle more when someone calls to talk even if your busy listen cause you might help someone. I love Racheal very much and i know that even though she was scared of everything and one i also know she saw that the world was good and it could be better. I love you sis.