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Monthly Archives: January 2012

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So I have not posted in awhile and its cause I been side tracked with other things. I realized that I hated myself cause my mom hated my dad and she always said I was just like him. I suffered for years not fitting in with her or her side of the family and feeling outcasted and abandoned by both sides. In reality my mom kept me from my dad cause she couldnt stand to be around him and she told me he wanted nothing to do with me which ended up being a lie. I feel betrayed and I hurt for many years cause of this lie I even tried comitting suicide cause I felt unwanted. I even have trouble with men and relationships cause of this. No wonder I dont let anyone in or trust anyone. I love my mom I do but I see her differently now that I have the truth. My dad is a good man and I never heard anything good about him but I founded out that I rather be like him and I am gald I am. He is open minded and is excepting and non judgemental I feel like I would have been better having him around. I needed him and I was kept from having a bond and a relationship with him, I just dont understand how she couldnt see I needed someone like myself to help me. My sister understood me and my dad does too I just wish I had the family I always wanted growing up. My mom knew how much I wanted my dad and my siblings and how I needed them. I may never understand why my mom made the choice to keep me from my dad but I am gald to have him now. I am slowly getting better and alot has to do with him and having someone who knows what I am going through and understands me I just wish my sister was here to enjoy our family and if she was still here I could have helped her I could have been the sister I wanted to be. I miss her alot and I hope to find closer and peace with her death but only time can heal me and family can help ease my guilt.

i have been opening myself more here and my roomie is really starting to get to know me the whole crazy mess of me. when talking to him about Racheal i got feed back and i realized so many things i wont have if i didnt talk about it. i always feel the guilt of not attending her funeral and wasting the time i had with her and not making a bigger effort. in some ways i have let this consume me but i know everything happens for a reason and what played out was right. she made me a better person and she helped me find my path; in huge way her death brought my dad and us together and the need to be close is there now.i will always feel her here with me and i will learn to listen more closely.to the signs. i have realized today that even though her life was short she made a huge impact on many differnent people her purpose here was completed when she died. without her death i would still not be talking to my dad but once in a couple of months and our plan to meet would still be on hold. even though i miss her greatly i am in a way thankful for her. my dream last night is one i have had before but it will always be my favorite. i am walking in the beach and Racheal is waiting there for me and she huges me she never says anything but the message is clear that she loves me and she is still here just in a different way and that she is watching.i am still learning from her and learning more about who she was and each time i find a new thing about her its made me realize we are almost one in the same. the dream of us on the beach is one i have had since i was 7 it was mine and hers way of spending time together without actually being together. when we talked on the phone we would always agree to meet on the beach same time same place in our dreams. as i get older i am realizing that i am unknowingly am following in her foot steps. at age of 15 i tried to commit suicide at the time i didnt know she had attempted it as well at age of 15.  when i found this out i have started comparing our lives we both were blonde when we were little then dirty blonde in our teenage years and i just recently found out she was a red head for a while and i have had red hair for about 2 years now but she went back blonde and i will pobabley not go back that way. we both have relationship and trust issues especially with men. we are both artistic in our own ways but both are left handed and suffer from a mental illness. we are our own sperate person but we share so much and our bond is strangely intertwined for only seeing each other a handful of times and countless phone calls. i am not afriad to say everything happens for a reason wether or not we realize it at the time and that she was meant to be my sister and meant to be in my life. i am learning to listen more and stop and look around to enjoy the time i have with my family and friends i know it will take time but i am heading in the right dircetion and she is there with me every step of the way.

so for a while now i  have been humming a tune and i didnt know the lyrics to it. i do know its a little song my sister sang to me over the phone to help me sleep at night cause i was scared of the dark. i used to sing it when i was little to help sleep and as i got older i just hummed it. so i am going to post what i remembered so far and i am not sure if its a nursery rhyme or not i just know my dad sang it to her and she song it to me.

the song:

When you see the monsters in the dark, just turn on the lights and they will disappear and you’ll be able to sleep tight in the light, will save you from all of the bumps in the night and if you get scared just hum the tune to turn on the lights to scare away all the monsters in the dark

 

Thats all i have right now i think there is more but i am not sure right now and i might have mixed up the lyrics alittle but i think thats how it goes i could never remember the lyrics all the time so i just hummed it for the most part but i will update this post when i find out i just wanted to go ahead and put what i could remember. And if anyone knows this rhyme please feel free to help me out  thanks.

as the new year comes on i seem to be filling up with more questions and no one seems to have the answers i need. my sister i know was one of a kind and no one will ever replace her. i feel like the only person how has ever understood me and has helped me i know she is gone but i still feel her with me everyday. sometimes i am still afriad to sleep and others times i look foward hoping and praying she will answer my questions. i know i got short changed time with her and my other siblings due to my parents not getting along. because of this i my memeroies of her in person are very few but special and the phones calls and letters become that more special to me than anything. i am holding on to what i know of her and still finding more of what i didnt know. she always seemed to know when i had a bad day cause she always called or i got a letter with pictures. she knew more about me than anyone could ever know but i yet to know her. i hoping soon all the answers will reveal themselves and everything will make sense. i loved her very much and i miss her greatly. there is so many things i wanted to tell her so many questions i wanted to ask her and so many things i wanted to do with her. i wanted so much to spend time with her more than just a day here or there that i got growing up but time seemed to pass so quickly and then she waas gone, when i first meet our dad for thanksgiving i wished so bad Racheal was here but beacuse she wasnt i almost decieded not to go i was so scared. she was the one who changed my mind about meeting him we had talked about it so many times the four of us kids and our Dad for the first time. that was my dream our plan i needed her there i still need her. because of when she died i choose not to attend the funeral i was to emtionally unstable to deal with her death and meeting our dad for the first time in one day and alone. my dad understood i had talked to him serval times before she died and more now after. she brought us all together and even though i have the dad i always wanted growing up i really wish we didnt wait so long and maybe she could have been there as planned. even though she is gone i will always need, miss and love her no matter what. she could never disappoint me or make me angery at her our bond will forever still be there even though she is gone. she is always with me in my heart and next to me in spirit. i will always be searching for her this i know as i find myself i will eventually find her.

my sister at age 5 holding me when i was a baby