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Monthly Archives: December 2011

so with my BPD i tend to have these ideas and thoughts on how others see me. i know i am not the hottest thing on the block but i am not completely ugly either. last night my rommie and i went to a strip club to play pool. i dont mind the strip club cause i do like girls as well and the strippers there are really hot. but i couldnt help but notice that my roomie was staring hard at the strippers and not to mention hinting on them. i was not jealous of this cause he did introduce me to them as is girlfriend so i was ok with this. but later on when we got home we spent about 5hrs having sex but he couldnt get off. i feel like maybe i should be just as hot as the strippers we saw. you know thin pretty. i mean i am not that overwieght but i do wanns lose some weight and it defitinly wont hurt. i feel like i dont measure up to those girls or to girls that i know he really likes. he says he likes the way i look and is that he is attrative to me. but i cant help feel that he rather me look like those strippers at the club. i know its all in my head and he probabley doesnt feel that way but i think this cause he couldnt get off. i know i am wrong and i should not have these insucrities but i do and i am always feeling like i dont measure up to other people and that people look down on me. i know its just the BPD talking and its all in my head but i never really felt happy with myself and i think people can see that. i know if i was happy with myself i wouldnt be thinking this but i am not so i dont know what to do. i am not gonna say anything cause its not important and if he wanted to be with someone else he would tell me. i just need to stop thinking so negative and stop assuming everyone is thinking these things about me.

so my irrational thoughts have gotten the best of me lately. i have made excuses to everyone who has invited me to do something for new years eve even my own mother. no one really understands this i know and i  also know that i only did this cause of my irrational thoughts. i feel like everyone is staring at me lately like they are all talking bad about me. i am also feeling very used and like yesterdays trash to some other people. i know these thoughts are all in my head and are not true but i cant help but to feel helpless in a sea of thoughts and i am slowly drowning myself. i feel with all of the holidays coming to an end soon i should isolate myself quickly. to many people in such a short amount of time for my brain to handle i need a serious vaction away from everyone. i wish someone understood my fears and anxiety of dealing with people on an everyday bais. i know i can be real irrational sometimes but its usually only bad when i have to deal with alot of new people i dont know. this year has been stressful for me with my sister dying last December and meeting my father for the first time on thanksgiving day i can offically say next year will be way better. my struggle with BPD has changed some people’s view on me and others not so much they just think i am crazy and irrational. i do have to say i have been more open with my BPD/Anxiety and my struggle to stop cutting but i know this is only the begining. all i have to say is for now i will be IRRATIONAL and alittle CRAZY until i come down back to reality. Although my view is way better than REALITY!! (its prettier and sparkles more)

my dinner with C didnt go as plan. you see C has a thing for me in fact i think he might be in love with me, but he only sees the happy go lucky person i display when i am around him the “fake” me. i have managed to keep people to a certain distance and not let anyone know about my problems or mental illness. C and I once had an intament relationship but i cut that off shortly after it began due to the cutting factor and he was getting to close. we had been friends since high school and we will hopefully continue to be. my easing out fact about my mental state and what goes on behind close doors seem to come out tonight. i cant hide anymore i cant continue on not letting others in and isolating myself cuase its only killing me in the end. i just cant take the lieing to people and the BS anymore i am so sick of hiding myself my mental illness my cutting i cant hide it anymore its eating me up inside. so in a hurry to leave tonight cause he wants more than friends from me i let him in and showed him my leg and after that i felt the urge to run as always and i did i left. i could see the saddness on his face what he didnt know the realization of how bad i was. the sympathy he probabley has now for me is not what i want, he doesnt understand and he may never understand.  my irrational fears and thoughts are going through my head and i dont know what will happen now but i cant help but feel alittle relieved for once he saw me the whole ugly truth of me i feel exposed and unsafe right now but i know that its what i need to do to help myself to get better in some way to feel better. i am not sure if i did the right thing or if i am doing the right thing by speaking out and talking about myself my ugly and dark self the part of me i hide for so long is finally coming out. the bulid up of the pressure to fit in and to do whats excepted of me is out. i just hope when i talk to my family it will go better and i wont run away like i seem to do so often. i am tried of running and hiding i have been doing it for 9 years now i cant do it anymore i have to face myself and my family and friends. hiding is no longer worth it and its hard and i have run out of excuses for myself. i just hope my irrational fears and thoughts dont lead me back down that run and i can fight the thoughts. i am hurting so much on the inside cause i am constantly fighting with myself fighting the irrational side of me.

So i know i have not blogged in a couple of days. I would say i ve been busy but that would be a lie. although i have done a few more things here lately than normal and i ve been getting out of the house more. yesterday i went to see my ex step dad who was my main father figure in my life from the age of 9 until now it was interesting considering i have not seen him in for 4 years due to his now ex wife after my mom. i always liked him but now its a little werid and i feel sometimes uncomfortable being around him even though l know he is the same person when i was little but its still werid for me. we had lunch with my ex step stister and his sister which i have not seen since i was 10. it seems lately i have seen more people that i have not seen in awhile like i am saying goodbye to them for the last time i am not really sure maybe i just losing more of my marbles here lately. I am suppose to have dinner with C he is cooking chicken my favorite, its not that i dont wanna go its that in the back of my head i just dont really wanna do anything. i know that werid not really wanting to do anything and to just be left alone but i often feel this way.  i have to remember its an effort to get out and be social for me cause often times i make up excuses not to do or go somewhere. so i am trying really hard not to make these excuses anymore to be more social maybe then i will find happiness instead of content. i have to say my roommate i think is becoming more stupid he left the stove on when he left for work. i almost didnt notice cause i never really go into the kitchen he could have burn the house down. then the toliet is clogged and over flowed and he left for work and asked me to clean up the mess wtf is wrong with him. he stands there watching it over flowing and not doing anything to stop it or clean it up. there might be something seriously wrong with him i am not sure i know i am f****d up but hell really he needs some home training and i dont have the time or patience to do it. well this is all i have for right now my life in a mess and i am tangled up in a web full for stupid people who dont know jack about sh**.

 

ok so the holidays usually bring the worse out of me and other people. i like to isolate myself and hide out for the rest of the year but i cant. seeing as i am having my first chirstmas with my dad and i am sure it will be special so to speak. my mom rather me not go but its my choice and i need to bond with them. i rather not bond with anyone i rather go ahead and shot myself in the face and see my sister for chirstmas then deal with the BS of the holidays. i dont like suprises and i am always worried what others are thinking about me especially my dad and them since i only meet them once. on top of that i have to make sure i dont show any cut marks on myself so this another reason i dont like seeing people. i also hate having to figure out what other people want so i usually end up giving girft cards just to spare anyone from having to return i gift i bought them; i wish others would do the same.  then my roomie has said many times he is quitting the drugs well he went out and bought some weed with my money WTF is wrong with him. i try to be mad and i told him i hated him and well we ended up “cuddleing” if you know what i mean. apparntently there is something wrong with me. on a lighter note his brother just got out of jail so i ve been facebook messaging him today his cool for a drug addict like his brother. besides that i just wanna end it all i hate holidays and i hate my life as of now although my dog seems to love me. but i am sure she doesnt know any better or maybe she knows something i dont. i am not sure on anything right now all i know is if i had a gun i would have already ended this mess long ago. WTF WTF WTF!!!!!

so i am a cutter the first time was when i was 15 that was 9 years ago. the first cut is never the last and once you do the frst the easier it is to another one until you cant go a week without it. now if you havent started cutting i beg you please do not start its a daily battle to convience your self not to cut. And for those who are cutters already you know the struggle of hiding the cuts and scars and fighting the urge not to cut. I went 2 years without cutting and i relasped last Dec since then i ve been cutting almost weekly and sometimes i get into a fit and cut furiously until i calm down which always leaves a mess of blood . myself worth and self esteem is at a new low in my life but i have to say without cutting i probabley comitte suicidei think its the only thing stopping me to get out frustration. i know i shouldnt but its where i am at now. this is probabley the worse part and side of my BPD the need to hurt myself in physchical and emitional states.

Why Me

 please note these are my personal photos of myself and my struggles with cutting. please know that i am also being treated for cutting, BPD, and Anxiety. This is just away for me to open up to others without personal loss. Please also remember only two people know in my life and yall are getting an inside look into my personal state of mind and life so do not leave negative comments. Thank You.

So yesterday i choose to not see anyone or talk to anyone isolation has become my new friend. The want to tell people and be open scares me the unknown and misunstandings. My friend C wanted to hang out but i told him i was sick in fact i told everyone i was sick just so they wouldnt bother me. My roomie he is becoming more understanding and showing he cares. He often says he loves me and i always repley no you dont. I am not sure if he really does or doesnt I know he cares about me but thats all I am really sure of. The thought of suicide is always in the back of my head and yesterday i was almost considering it; just to end it all and i wonder if anyone would really miss me. Sometimes I just wanna let it all go run off somewhere start a new, somewhere where no one knows me or can find me. Being somewhat mentally ill people who are close to you tend to worry about your state of mind constantly and is always calling to check up on you. So running off and not telling anyone and hiding would be bad for me, cause they would find me and probabley lock me up somewhere. So suicide is my escape route at this time and I dont actually plan on using it right now but its a dream. As i get older and life becomes more confusing than the day before i realize that i dont understand how the world works sometimes. The way people can act so mean and cruel to one another is beyond my understanding. There are times i rather just let my delusions take over in live in a much happier place then fight to stay with reality which sucks. I am often afriad that the delusions I sometimes have may come out and the meds for psychois is not pleasant. Some of the meds I have been on have often made me sick or made me zoned out. The ones that made me zone out were the psychois meds I didnt feel anything and it was like i wasnt here like i wasnt a human being. The thought of my delusions of the things i see no longer being there scares me I realize I have seen them for so long and dealt with it that is it was gone then I wouldnt be me and I wouldnt feel safe with out it. as the thoughts come in and out the battle i fear continues the fight and struggle to hold on to reality almost seems impossible. I fear i might be on the losing end and fighting with myself on who to trust who not to and what others think is almost to much to bear. I often wish people understood why I cant just simply be happy I am usually content but Happy is a feeling i am not sure I ve ever felt. I ve been this way for so long I dont remember any other way and if I was happy it must have been before i could fully remember. The 24 years of my life seems like its taken forever to get here the last 10 have been a struggle to find acceptence among my peers and some peace within myself. All the meds that are out there may never fully fix me and some may never help but I have to say if I was not like this then I would have never seen what the world is really like I would have been naive and blind but happy. I rather see and know the truth and be content and furstrated and confused than to live life happy and blind to the world’s cruelty. As this journey continues I am sure at some point i will find happiness if not then content is all i need just hopefully without the confusion my mind plays for me.

I keep trying to open myself up but i feel like i am being shut down. I dont understand i thought if i open up more than maybe people would see another side but its not what happen when i opened up to my roommie. i dont know if he doesnt believe me or thinks i am crazy, although i know he has trust and paraniod issues so maybe he wasnt the right person to try it out on. he probabley just doesnt understand and he is the first person i told about the white smoke and even the outline of people it seems to make. he thought i was speaking in code or messing with him. but i think the drugs has influenced him way to much and he probabley way to high for me to be open. i am not sure if i can be open with anyone else right now feeling lonely and somewhat disappointed right now. i just wish someone else understood in my life like my sister did. i know whaterever she saw she was very scared of and she constantly was hiding and it eventually killed her. i am not scared of things i see but i dont understand. my BPD i know doesnt help what i see in fact i think it makes my paraniod alot worse at this point i just wanna be left alone and isolate myslef from everyone. i am just confused and lost at this point and i am not sure what will be next.

well were do i begin on this; my comforter in my life is Bob and well Bob is really special to me. when i was little my imaginary friend was Bob a Green Hippo. i know i know thats werid and why i am i telling you this. well every person has someone or something that comforts them. this is mine he never leaves me and when i need him the most he is there. now i know you are probabley thinking i am to old to have an imaginary friend well when i was little he was. when i got in high school i took a german class af my foreign language and we had to create a story. Mine of course was about my Bob the Green Hippo and his peanut butter loving ways. when i had to do this story i did a cartoon and everything and soon it became an inside joke or thing with me and my friends. shortly after that i was obessed with finding a stuffed animal of Bob this proved to be a challenge its self. i mean a stuffed animal of a  green hippo really who else besides me would think thats awesome. i went to every store here that sold stuffed animals nothing. so my friend L and i went to a bear ware pottery its like paint a plate place.  they had a hippo in a inner tube that you could paint so i made my own green hippo. the weridist thing is afterwards we went for mexican and they had a claw machine and i kid you not there was a green hippo in there. its like destiny had brought me to my comforter. now everyone knows that claw machines are rip offs so to speak but i only had to try three times to get him and did i got him. i dont tell people this but 9 out of 10 times his always with me. i sleep with him and usually i take him where ever i go like a sercuity blanket but his small enough he fits in my purse and no one knows. now your probabley wondering why i would tell you this its because this is the good in my life when i decieded to write this blog i wanted to share every aspect ot it. having BPD puts you in a category all your own and often feel alone but everyone is different and has thier own story and this is mine. Bob the Green Hippo is a huge part of me and he has been with me through it all and he will continue to be there.

Bob and Bob Jr

 

 

 

Bob

so i am having a bad day with my BPD i am sick of people at this point. no offense to who ever is reading this. at this point in my day i ve not really done anything but clean cause in my thoughts and mind are everywhere i get OCD to the extreme. my roommie was nice enough to come home and bring me lunch since he ate all my cereal bars and theres really not anything else i would eat here. so i was irritated this morning by that and not to mention our house is a reck and my OCD has kicked in and i hate having to clean up after others. so i have been in a awful mood today not to mention when he brought me lunch from KFC he didnt get honey mustard and he left the drinks in the car and made me get them and there was no straws i was like the WTF i just wanna scream at him. of cousre he could tell i was irritated and stressed so he tried to calm me down some. i have to say i know i can be diffucult to live with especially when my BPD is in control and i get in a mood. he really trys to work with me and help but i feel that us helping each other is bringing us down that slope of no return. with his addiction and my implusiveness things get crazy sometimes nothing bad really. he gets high and is goes 90 miles an hour doing whatever which ends in the house being a mess and him being absent minded to everything other than what he is focused on. and me my implusiveness to join him in getting high leads me to isolate and cleaning and it raises my paraniod levels to the extreme and it does the same to my roommie. so imagine two peopel high with extreme paraniod and one with BPD not really a good combination but usually we dont bother each other when we are high unless he gets “lonely” and wants to “cuddle” is which case is the only time we really intereact when high. now i dont condon the use of illegal drugs especially with BPD cause i know the likely of being addicted is much greater. but this is where i am at in life and i want to share all aspects of my BPD the good and the bad. so my day has been trying and my buttons have been pushed. sometimes i just wanna scream and yell and even pick a fiight with someone cause i am so frustrated with little stupid things i know i shouldnt be. i cant help it if i am frustrated that he loses the key to the laundry room when i have clothes in the wash or when he leaves his stuff on the couch after i cleaned. no wonder i wanna hide in my room and be isolated. if i am irritated with him and i get frustrated then i am going to be that way with most people today. ok so thats what i have today and my mind is beinging to wonder on other topics at hand and before i lose myself in my head i have to say reality sucks people who live in the “real” world are blind to things that dont concern them and theres no wonder why i rather live in my head then in reality. ok i dont know if that even made sense but if it didnt then whatever remember i said some of my thoughts may make no sense so there you go my BPD today at hand and in most control.